Drugs are bad. Bad people do drugs. And bad people go to prison. Ryan Braun tested positive for performance-enhancing drugs, which are drugs. Yet, Ryan Braun is NOT going to prison. What kind of sick, morally-decaying hellscape are we living in where some deviant, drug-munching (I don’t know how drugs are ingested) bat-swinger can get off scot-free, you ask?
To that, I answer: Planet Earth.
And to that answer, I offer up eight alternate punishments for Mr. Braun:
1. He should go to prison, as our friend Jon Bois suggested, but the prison should be made of M.C. Escher paintings instead of concrete. I dreamt about this one time, so I know it’s possible.
2. Algonquin water burial. If you don’t know what this is, then just stop reading.
3. Alien abduction. Again, if you don’t think this is possible, you really shouldn’t be allowed near a computer.
4. Brussels sprouts. Braun’s had no problem putting Satan-approved substances into his body, so let’s make him eat the Devil’s sprout all day, every day, forever. (Also: I’m pretty sure Brussels sprouts have the opposite effect of Popeye’s spinach. This is not scientifically-proven, but what is “science” anyway?)
5. A.I. More like “HEY WHY” AM I WATCHING THIS TERRIBLE MOVIE ABOUT ROBOTS AND OH WOW THAT KID WAS IN LIZZIE MCGUIRE?!?!!?!? But a couple years spent watching this god-forsaken film on loop, and Braun won’t think twice—nay, once—about “juicing up” ever again.
6. Babies. I’m not sure what exactly, but babies can be pretty terrible sometimes.
7. Baby cats. It’s just a baby, but it’s also a cat. God is cruel.
8. Unsolvable Rubik’s cube. If Braun really is such a “great competitor,” he’ll stop at nothing to solve this puzzle. Except, he won’t ever be able to. He’ll never know, though, and he’ll continue on this impossible quest until he meets his demise. Some say Alcatatraz was the world’s most horrifying prison. The real answer: the prison of the mind.
—Photo AP
About Ryan O'Hanlon
Just wanted to point out an error in the by-line.
I quote:
““Drugs are bad. Bad people do drugs. And bad people go to prison.”
First of all, drugs ain’t bad. Cocaine and weed come from plants. Plants just are, they have no moral standing of their own except that which humans give to them.
Second, Bad people do drugs. Really? Every person I know (literally) has done drugs. Legal ones and illegal ones. Badness isn’t the issue. Illegality is.
Finally, “Bad people go to prison.” This is laugh out loud funny as its so wrong. Lots of bad people don’t go to prison. The folks who destroyed the economy in 2008 for one. Some politicians for another. Hitler for a third. Stalin too. Probably Assad in Syria as well. Hussein did but Bin Laden did not. Also, most people who do drugs don’t go to prison so once again, even on your false premises it’s just plain wrong “Bad people go to prison.”
People who convicted of a crime (regardless of whether that criminal law makes any sense or not (See the War on Drugs for a multitude of examples of this) go to prison. That’s it, that’s all. If the law requires you to go to jail and after the legal process has been completed and deems you worthy of being jailed, off to jail you go. There can be precious little “morality” or “good” or “bad” in whether or not you’re a criminal or not. It’s a legal determination not a moral one.
I have a friend going to jail for drugs. His actions were not immoral or wrong by any stretch of the word. However, due to the jurisdiction he found himself in, and the laws that apply in that jurisdiction, he’s off to prison for 5.5 years. In other jurisdictions, with different laws, people can be killed by people doing the exact same thing as my friend less professionally do not go jail even though their actions result in the deaths of people.
Anyways, I didn’t actually read the article, but I had to attack the ““Drugs are bad. Bad people do drugs. And bad people go to prison” nonsense. It’s just retarded.
I’m pretty sure that was irony, but I’ll agree it was a little difficult to tell.
I agree with wet_suit. In following with his comment, I would like to add that Brussel Sprouts are NOT the Devil’s sprout. It seems you did not do your research since it is a FACT that broccoli is the Prince of Darkness’s favorite vegetable. Ezekiel 2:12-17. These verses depict in exact detail the favorite foods that are consumed in the 7th circle of Hell.
I know his simplified, yet ironic comment, struck a chord with you, but you also stated that you did not read the rest of the article. Had you potentially moved on from the writer’s “controversial” comment, you would’ve discovered this whole piece is a joke. I don’t know, but I’m pretty sure baby cats are a punishment.