Drugs are bad. Bad people do drugs. And bad people go to prison. Ryan Braun tested positive for performance-enhancing drugs, which are drugs. Yet, Ryan Braun is NOT going to prison. What kind of sick, morally-decaying hellscape are we living in where some deviant, drug-munching (I don’t know how drugs are ingested) bat-swinger can get off scot-free, you ask?
To that, I answer: Planet Earth.
And to that answer, I offer up eight alternate punishments for Mr. Braun:
2. Algonquin water burial. If you don’t know what this is, then just stop reading.
3. Alien abduction. Again, if you don’t think this is possible, you really shouldn’t be allowed near a computer.
4. Brussels sprouts. Braun’s had no problem putting Satan-approved substances into his body, so let’s make him eat the Devil’s sprout all day, every day, forever. (Also: I’m pretty sure Brussels sprouts have the opposite effect of Popeye’s spinach. This is not scientifically-proven, but what is “science” anyway?)
5. A.I. More like “HEY WHY” AM I WATCHING THIS TERRIBLE MOVIE ABOUT ROBOTS AND OH WOW THAT KID WAS IN LIZZIE MCGUIRE?!?!!?!? But a couple years spent watching this god-forsaken film on loop, and Braun won’t think twice—nay, once—about “juicing up” ever again.
6. Babies. I’m not sure what exactly, but babies can be pretty terrible sometimes.
7. Baby cats. It’s just a baby, but it’s also a cat. God is cruel.
8. Unsolvable Rubik’s cube. If Braun really is such a “great competitor,” he’ll stop at nothing to solve this puzzle. Except, he won’t ever be able to. He’ll never know, though, and he’ll continue on this impossible quest until he meets his demise. Some say Alcatatraz was the world’s most horrifying prison. The real answer: the prison of the mind.