This week on Franklin and Bash: things get confusing.
Kevin: How will Franklin and Bash regale us tonight?
Ryan: Can we ever actually know? I’m just glad that Chile and Brazil both lost in the Copa America, so I won’t resent myself for missing the game. I don’t like resenting myself.
Kevin: Neither Franklin nor Bash would want you resenting yourself. You’re supposed to resent some zany prosecuting attorney, or psychotic defendant. Or women.
Ryan: All synonymous, obviously.
Kevin: More or less. Seriously though, I completely forget what was previewed for this week, which is funny, because going into last week’s episode I pretty much knew the entire plot.
Ryan: I saw something on Twitter about the guys having to work from home. That pulled at some heartstrings.
Ryan: What the hell are heartstrings?
Kevin: They’re what connects your heart to your brain, duh. OH MY GOD AS WE SPEAK I’M LISTENING TO THE FIRST SINGLE FROM KANYE AND JAY’S WATCH THE THRONE AND IT IS EXCELLENT.
Kevin: Sorry, digression.
Ryan: Rap’s version of Franklin and Bash? Or vice versa?
Kevin: I think Franklin and Bash are rap’s version of Franklin and Bash. Oh man, episode opening with a hot English woman named Lily!
Kevin: She’s digging on the Frash. Sorry, Randall Coombs.
Ryan: I forgive you. And quick shot to Franklin and Bash fighting with light sabers in the court room! No explanation (none needed) and the judge sentences them to 48 hours of house arrest. Can you be incarcerated at the Bashelor pad?
Kevin: What the hell just happened? Seriously, I feel like I got ethered and tossed in a sack, and now I’m somewhere else.
Kevin: Also, I don’t know how we’ve never touched on this before, but the intro to this show is like the most lo-fi thing ever made.
Ryan: Hipstamatic?
Kevin: Minus the freaky colors. But yes.
Ryan: This show is “with it,” as my grandma once said, 35 years ago.
Kevin: GROOVY. Anyway, I think they’ve heard your cries over how few libations have been poured in the last few episodes, because this is a downright bacchanalia, complete with the girl Lily carrying drugs.
Ryan: Tell me you didn’t think the dog was gonna walk in on their assistant Wuzherface and her conman boyfriend?
Kevin: I actually was expecting them to stumble upon a mountain of coke in Bash’s bedroom. KIDDING. That would cross this show’s edginess line big-time. It’s real-life shenanigans like that that got Men of a Certain Age canceled.
Ryan: [pours out an imaginary 40]
Kevin: King Cobra? Steel Reserve? Olde English? The High Life? All right, I’m spent.
Kevin: BANGOVER
Ryan: I don’t know. I only drink imaginary 40s. I like to make up names … SandSharq, RatTail, Wal-Mart Lite.
Kevin: You might’ve just set me off on a life path that involves making Wal-Mart Lite no longer imaginary.
Ryan: You’re welcome.
Ryan: Uh oh, open love triangle! Lily, Bash’s would’ve-been new dame, is facing off against his ex, the DA! Things are getting real real.
Kevin: Oh, I see, this is gonna be the weed episode. I wonder if the middle 30 minutes will just be all of the characters staring at each other. Probably won’t be great for the friction of the love triangle.
Ryan: They’re gonna get high, eat something in the courtroom, find a prize at the bottom of the bag of whatever generic-munchie-munch they eat, and then use said prize to get Lily’s charges dropped. Can we go home?
Kevin: If only. Have you heard anything about this show Falling Skies? I’m sure it’s no Men of a Certain Age, but that last commercial made it look sort of like a sanitized-for-TV District 9, which sounds kind of cool.
Ryan: If I believed in sanitized TV, I wouldn’t be here right now. But if it’s District-9 without the weird Alien/South African hybrid accents, I could be tempted.
Kevin: Wickus van der Merwe! Man, this Lily is out-Bashing Bash. Look at the fluorescent light glinting off her hair.
Kevin: Speaking of which, sweet mood music, TNT
Ryan: Danger sex!
Ryan: What other “Danger (things)” are there?
Kevin: Danger O’s! The new cereal from the makers of Franklin and Bash!
Ryan: Sounds yummy! It would be like a combination of Count Chocula and Cookie Crisp, except the exact opposite.
Kevin: You forgot Fruity Pebbles, but otherwise, yes. So, this is getting zany. Thinking Lily stole the cash? I’m thinking Lily stole the cash.
Ryan: What are you trying to say? Potheads are more likely to rob people they’ve just had sex with? Or did she do it as a final act of compassion?
Kevin: I’m just saying she’s totally nuts. But maybe the second one? If she’s compassionate for the Bash, then I’ll be touched and apologetic.
Ryan: English people are heartless. Haven’t you seen … like every Russell Brand movie?
Kevin: Get Him to the Greek seemed like it had been written by people with only a passing grasp of the English language. So I didn’t really draw any significant conclusions from it.
Ryan: I saw it in theaters. I’d rather not talk about it.
Kevin: Happy to oblige. Does Franklin usually thank people by kissing them on the lips? That’s awfully forward.
Ryan: If it continues for the rest of the series, I won’t be upset. Also, what are the chances Bash and the DA don’t get back together before the end of the season?
Ryan: Talk about a conflict of interest!
Kevin: Ethics violations! That would be an F&B first.
Ryan: Maybe they’ll hold it for the series finale. That would make me happier than it should, actually.
Kevin: Nothing wrong with an emotional payoff. So, I’ve started watching this English (speaking of the English) TV series called Misfits that’s been broadcast on Hulu. Pretty cool, if you’re looking for something to keep you satiated between hits of F&B.
Ryan: Tell me more. It’s about people wearing clothes that are ill-fitting? Do the clothes speak with British accents?
Kevin: No, it’s about juvenile delinquents who get caught in this sweet CGI lightning storm and end up with mysterious, uncomfortable superpowers that they’d rather not possess. It’s like the Justice League, except grayer and industrial and the good guys are all maybe bad.
Ryan: So it’s like Heroes, but English, so therefore, probably better? I could watch. Necessary question in this situation: Is Ricky Gervais involved?
Kevin: It’s like Heroes except way darker and pretty badass, and it’s sans Ricky, unfortunately. Anyway, back to the Bash: Pindy is crushing it in the courtroom, thinking he ate pot muffins when he really didn’t, and now he’s FREAKING OUT. Oh the trials we face in our young lives.
Ryan: One: I didn’t realize he was actually a lawyer. The more you know! And two: I’m moving to Amsterdam and opening a placebo bakery. Is that a good idea or a great idea?
Kevin: Shouldn’t you open the placebo bakery here? Or in, like, California? Or maybe Amsterdam. Or Canada?
Ryan: Eh, I could do Canada. I can’t ice skate or mine maple syrup from a tree, but I can try!
Ryan: And now the DA is ramping up Lily’s probation terms, well, because she had sex with her ex-boyfriend. It took a while for this episode’s wide-sweeping female generalization, but we’re here.
Kevin: We made it! I feel winded. And Daunte appears in court, and this is totally confusing. Franklin and Bash have been absent for a while now.
Ryan: Did Franklin do anything other than kiss their temp-assistant this episode?
Kevin: Nope! But now they’re at the diner. And someone just said Bangover again.
Ryan: And again!
Ryan: OHMYGOD, James Van Der Beek is the DA’s fiancee! And he hires Bash as his defense after soliciting a prostitute! THISISGONNABEAMAZING!
Ryan: In sudden hindsight, James Van Der Beek? Not that exciting.
Kevin: There are MAYBE, AT MOST five lawyers in this town.
Ryan: There is only one, Randall Coombs.
Kevin: Ain’t that the truth.
Ryan O’Hanlon is the sports editor for the Good Men Project. He used to play soccer and go to college. He’s still trying to get over it. You can follow him on Twitter @rwohan.
Kevin Lincoln is a staff writer for the Good Men Project; you can follow him on Twitter and Tumblr. He likes hip-hop, postmodernists, and good writing about sports.
—Photo via TNT