On this Mother’s Day, Claire Thurston offers her insights on the connections fathers can forge through that quintessential American pastime, a simple game of catch.
A Game of Catch: I’m my own person
Thwock. Landed in that well-worn pocket, home to me. Then I’m rocketing back to that smaller pocket across the field. I hit the center—bounce around, not like nestling easily in the bigger glove—then I’m soaring again. . .
Everything you may not know about the father-child bond.
Now that there is new research showing how Dads impact their children’s development, we can look at some of the things that Dads love to do with their kids and see another dimension. When you stand across the field from your child, you are two individuals, just like you have always been. You have always been separate people; you never shared the same environment the way your baby lived in mom’s body during pregnancy. And that’s a good thing.
But now your child gets to experience something new!
You foster your child’s autonomy. Instead of staying within the comfort and security of mom’s arms, your child feels excited to step out on the world stage.
I am. It is I. I am here.
Autonomy is the joyful discovery of personal power: not power over others, but power to have one’s own unique experiences.
I have the power to take a step, to see with my own eyes; no one else will see what I see in exactly the same way.
Autonomy also reflects a healthy sense of being able to make choices. This sounds like a simple statement. But today’s culture is very confused about notions of “the self”. You should not be “full of yourself” or “egotistical”. Autonomy steers clear of all these mixed messages about the self and ego. Autonomy means that you are your own person and have the right to make decisions.
A Game of Catch: I’m in relationship
The rhythm, back and forth, back and forth, the ball sailing across the gap between us. We both feel the emptiness of the gap and the comfort of the arc of the ball, marking an infinity of points across the void.
It makes sense that your separateness stimulates your child’s sense of individual power, autonomy. But the way in which you contribute to your child’s empathy is much more complex. When you stand across the field from your child, you are two individuals, but when you throw the ball, you are marking the relationship between you. The force of your throw is like the power of the drive you and your child experience to bridge the gap between you.
What does empathy really mean? To feel sympathy for someone involves feeling with (sym) them, commiserating; to feel empathy for someone involves feeling in (em) them, not only what they are seeing, but what they might be experiencing and feeling from their point of view. Just like the ball forms a connection between you in a simple game of catch, empathy is the process of projecting your thoughts into the mind of another person and asking, “How would I think and feel about a situation if I were him?”. Empathy is one of the most profound concepts in the English language and constitutes an entire subspecialty in Psychology.
A Game of Catch can change the World
The better you throw, the farther apart you can stand. Until, when you’re all grown-up, you can picture Dad standing there with his mitt over his heart, waiting for you to send it home.
With a strong sense of autonomy, your child can take on the world, take on the challenges and opportunities that present themselves. That means being part of the solution and not part of the problem. If the wrong crowd tries to influence your child, that strong sense of autonomy will kick in. Your child doesn’t have to react in the moment, but can take the time to go inside and think,
Is this really something that I want to do?
And when your child grows up and enters the work world, and everyone on the team is saying, let’s go this way, your son or daughter can stand up for themselves and offer an alternative with confidence.
An empathetic child is a kid who gets people, that means knowing when to step in to help or when to step away. An empathetic child can’t be a bully, because bullies don’t care what their victims are feeling. An empathetic child is an understanding friend because he or she can imagine what that other person is going through. And as an adult, empathic understanding means healthy growing relationships between spouses, neighbors, communities and nations. Yes, Dads, through a simple game of catch, you are changing the world.
Photo: flickr/Andrei Niemimäki