Ah, Walter Young. The man with the highest Body Mass Index of any player in the history of Major League Baseball. Where is he now?
Oh, to be someone else. The Old Long Johnson cat, maybe. He got his fifteen minutes of fame and wasn’t borne to the ground by the crushing weight of his hideous, inexplicable adipose tissue in the process. Have you seen how I walk? How I play? I can’t even ascend the stairs, for crying out loud. I’m [...]
Carlton Suede is about to dunk the ball. Without an ounce of grace — his mutt of a mother used to call him “our clubfooted son” — he is rising through the lower ether. Above the marshmallow-thick white soles, higher than the tense, ribbed socks, surpassing even the shiny mesh culottes of his despairing opponents. [...]
Ok, SPOILER ALERT! I just got to see a sneak preview the new American Reunion film and it was everything you’d expect from that hilarious crew of aging “teen” actors. If you’ve been surviving off the direct-to-video Band Camp films like me, then AR has arrived just in the (Saint) nick (IS IT ALREADY CHRISTMAS? [...]
1. How absurd! This morning I rode to Starbucks on a horse painted peacock-blue, wearing naught but a boa constrictor coiled around my body, my long Lady Godiva hair obscuring my feminine signifiers. “I will have a grande chainsaw with extra porcupines!” I announced to the barista. Ω 2. Tough Luck Buddy I saw a [...]
With the advent of springtime, you guys should put down those video game controllers and Toblerones so that you can start working on the summer bod of your dreams. You’ve got only a few weeks to reach that long-coveted goal of a ripped 220-pound physique, which means you’ll have to “hardgain” the necessary weight and [...]
Pittsburgh — the little city that almost did and still might — has served as the launching pad for the careers of former Extreme Championship Wrestling World Heavyweight Champion Shane Douglas, comic book publisher Jim Shooter, retired federal judge Robert Bork, and the jam band Rusted Root. Susie Meister, a Pittsburgh native and multiple-time winner [...]