Hey you! You want to rock so hard that everybody’s head explodes and they orgasm at the same time? You want hot licks and sweet grooves? You want to bust out some sick solos? Here are some amazing tips to turn you into the guitar god you were always meant to be.
- Wear your guitar strap real low. Jonny Greenwood low.
- Play the blues. All the sweetest guitar rockstars played blues. Eric Clapton. Jack White. Jimi Hendrix. Johnny Winter. Jeff Beck. They are totally sweet, because they play the blues.
- Shake your head sometimes and rock the fuck out…but sometimes, just tilt your head back and close your eyes and just feel the awesome holy vibes coming from your sick Fascist killing machine.
- Don’t wear a shirt, but sometimes…wear a suit with make-up on. Defy expectations in the name of rock.
- Lie in bed with some super hot chicks and just look at the camera like…”what?”
- Talk about guitars all the time. If you don’t know what to say, here’s a sample sentence to memorize: “I’ve always been a Fender player, but there’s a ’58 reissue Les Paul that I have my eye on. It’ll really wail through my Marshall set up.” Or whatever. Who cares, just drop a bunch of brand names for guitars and amps and people will think you know stuff about gear.
- Sometimes, just strum really big strums. But sometimes…kick out your leg. And sometimes, just dance.
- Learn to tap. It’s SO METAL.
- Play with your tongue. Play behind your back. Play your guitar with another guitar. Don’t let yourself be oppressed by the pick, man.
- Your guitar needs a name. Like “Lucille.” Or “Drogon.”