How to Use a Public Bathroom

public bathrooms

 

Josh Bowman shares some tips on how to use public bathrooms, since apparently most people are disgusting pee monsters.

  1. Don’t pee on the seat. Don’t poo on the seat. Don’t leave liquids on the seat that come from your body.
  2. If you decide to poo, and then whilst flushing, you realize that the toilet is clogged…use a plunger if one is available. If not, tell a maintenance person. Or, just walk away and pee all over the floor like an asshole. Whatever works.
  3. No spitballs.
  4. Treat a public bathroom like it is your personal home bathroom. Unless you treat your personal home bathroom terribly, in which case learn how to use a bathroom like a civilized person.
  5. Respect the one urinal buffer zone, unless you don’t have a choice.
  6. If you want to write on the toilet stall walls, be clever. How can you subvert standard graffiti? Yes, you want to draw a penis. Sure. But what does that penis really mean?
  7. If you have to have a conversation on your cell phone, that’s fine. But if I am in there with you, I will be burping and farting extra loud. Because it’s funny.
  8. It is weird to shave or brush your teeth in a public bathroom. Sometimes it is necessary (at an airport, after a week-long circuit party), but just recognize that it feels weird for other people in there with you.
  9. If there is a hole in the side of the bathroom stall, don’t put anything through it. Just let it be.
    Just let it be.
  10. If the bathroom attendant offers you gum or mints, don’t take them.

—Photo amslerPIX/Flickr

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About Josh Bowman

Josh Bowman is a professional fundraiser, story-teller, comedian, and blogger. He has worked and consulted in Vancouver, New York, and now Toronto for almost a decade. Josh improvises around Toronto, including regular shows with Opening Night Theatre, and also blogs for the Huffington Post. You can email Josh or follow him on Twitter. If you want to submit a guestpost or know more about Josh, check this post and this post out first.

Comments

  1. I had to LOL when I read this. The first time my wife saw the inside of a men’s room, she was shocked to see how open it is. Heck, she’d faint if she saw the “troughs” in the men’s room at Wrigley Field in Chicago.

    Men … if you ever want to see what you’re missing, check out ladies rooms in some of the better establishments……

  2. 11- Never flush the urinal in a public place, it’s a waste of water, let the next guy do it….
    That got me a look from the teacher when my son put that on some earth day school project.

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