Tabitha Studer has a list for her husband. But will it end at eight?
I was folding clothes last night cursing under my breath after having to flip the third of my husband’s t-shirts right side out. There are certainly bigger and worse qualities that my husband could have than being incapable of putting dirty laundry in the hamper in a courteous fashion—and yet, it is still annoying as hell. So then I got to thinking about the old adage with the chicken and the egg. Am I just inherently a nag? Or do I nag because he does annoying things? Clearly, in the moment, underneath a mountain of unfolded inside-out t-shirts, I believed the latter to be the case.
So then I jotted down the top 8 ways he could be less annoying on a daily basis:
- Turn your t-shirts right side out before putting them in the hamper.
- Pay attention to things that belong in another room or upstairs—then take them there with you on your next trip.
- Wipe out the sink after you shave.
- Leave wet towels off the bed.
- Put the toilet seat down.
- Ask if I need anything when you go to the kitchen.
- Make the bed if you’re the last one up.
- Call me during the day.
I showed him this list and he adamantly stood by the fact that he is ‘a professional’ at numbers 3, 5, and 6. And then we got in a little half-hearted disagreement because he definitely does not always do #3, as he was basically the example I was using to build this list in the first place. And then he shrugged and laughed and said, “Babe, if I did start doing all of these things, in a couple weeks you’d just come up with a list of 8 new ways I could be less annoying.” Which then sort of shut me up because that’s true, I probably would.
So then maybe he’s not so annoying. And maybe I’m not so much of a nag, but rather really awesome at making lists.
Read more awesome Lists on The Good Life. Here’s one: a list of domestic chores that aren’t included in studies on housework and gender—These Chores Don’t Count?
Image credit: Bilal Kamoon/Flickr
Trying not to feel triggered here, so focusing on the practical: When you live together, assigning household tasks should be worked out as a team. Both people get to negotiate what should be done by whom. Both people get to mention what bugs them, and both get to request specific things that the other can do to make life better. And, both will need to compromise in some way – neither person gets to be the dictator over household chores, unless they both agree to the dictatorship. It’s perfectly reasonable to say that when X happens, I feel angry. Then,… Read more »
I’m not married but it’s funny reading is since I annoy my boyfriend with several of these things. I am the clutter bug who leaves stuff using around. And I never turn shirts right side out before I do the laundry. In fact, sometimes I don’t turn shirts right side out until I’m going to wear them. It drives him nuts. I also wash pretty much everything in one load in cold water. Delicates go in a mesh laundry bag so I don’t have to worry about running a gentle cycle. My suggestion on laundry — everyone does their own… Read more »
Is it really that taxing to flip shirts the right way around?
I do the majority of the laundry in my house and that just seems part and parcel to the task. My family throws whatever they deem dirty into the hamper willy-nilly and as the Laundry Guy it’s my job to sort clothes by color, pick out everything that should be dry-cleaned, make sure the wools/delicates/etc. air dry, and fold them appropriately once the cycle’s done. Plus, some shirts SHOULD be washed inside-out to protect the prints, or colors or whatever.
To me that’s just what laundry duty entails.
Exactly. It blows my mind that this kind of stuff actually bugs people.
Fold shirts inside out and put them away that way. Spouse can flip them the right way when they get dressed, or they’ll get sick of doing it. Same with socks; leave them inside out or in balls and spouse will stop…or they won’t. I’m not the neat freak in my relationship, so I am not all that particular whether or not shirts are inside out while hidden in the dresser or closet.
@Jenna Ludwig, great comment…I had the same thought, don’t flip the shirts if you don’t like it–let the other person do it and if they don’t like it then they will have to pay more attention to how they throw them in the hamper. Many times there are more than one solution to a problem. She can’t change him, but she can either 1) re-frame her perception of the problem, and it may cease being a problem, 2) communicate why it is important to her (maybe he’ll listen), 3) stop dealing with the problem (not flipping the shirts), or 4)… Read more »
I know myself that the things that annoy people most about me are the things I really don’t want to change. It’s really hard to know when to invest in a relationship enough to be prepared to change one’s most comfortable habits and to retain one’s individuality.
Tabitha love this list and the idea behind it. Thank you for contributing it and starting yet another classic GMP conversation. I guess I would argue that the items on your lists, or at least most of them, aren’t that gender specific. I would say in my marriage that I am the clean/neat freak and my wife is the sloppy one who loses stuff, doesn’t clean the dishes when she used them and leave a wet towel around when it should be hung up. And God knows I call her a lot more than she calls me. But all that… Read more »
Ask him, “Would you rather i just continue to be upset?”
Women only “nag” (i think we need to take this word out of our vocabulary, because it implies that there’s a problem with reminding your partner to do a share of housework work) when they have to do most of the work themselves. anyone would.
I think what he said is pretty messed up. It looks like he doesn’t care about how you feel, or what makes you upset. Maybe you should try to communicate this to him.
Or….Women like to try and control (read fix) their men to suit their own needs and use guilt and nagging to do it. This madonna complex among women these days has to stop. Bottom line. If women want to be equal, then they need to act equal. That starts with not expecting everyone to cater to their needs.
As to the word Nag. It is in the vocabulary for a reason and it does not mean housework….trust it is much better than the alternative word it replaced.
Haha!
Wasn’t there a NYT article (Modern Love) about training exotic animals and likening it to training your S.O.?
The author said she was able to stop her husband from being too cloying and in the way in the kitchen when she is cooking by giving him a task, like chopping up vegetables, but way down at the other end of the counter (so that they both had enough space)….it worked!
There were other training techniques that were quite simple….rewards for good behavior and ignore certain annoying behaviors!
7) No, no and no – do not make your bed. Ever.
Bed bugs/mites and other carnivorous junk bugs thrive in well made up beds.
I liked my sister’s take on #5.
“I live with 2 males, so the seat stays up”, she even moves it up when she leaves.
5: Put the toilet seat down..
The proper position is CLOSED when not in use. If that is your argument…fine, If the argument is it should be set for your personal convenience…..bite me…..You can check it just as easily as I can.
Loved the post. My wife has many of the same grumbles about me!
What comes across with my wife (and in your excellent article) is that these are little annoying things, but the big, more important things (love, respect, mutual support, etc) things seem to be really good- and that you know that the annoyances are relatively unimportant in the grand scheme of things.
1 – This doesn’t matter, not really. This isn’t 1976. Detergents don’t suck anymore. 2 – Here’s an idea: why don’t you put your own stuff away instead of waiting for your husband to do it. 3&4 – Fair enough, if you also obey his random comfort commandments. 5 – Do you know what men do when they want to sit some where? They look first. Try it sometime. 6 – If you need something, ask. Problem solved! 7 – No. Making a bed is stupid. It does nothing at all. Nobody is going to go into your bedroom. The… Read more »
The inside-outed-ness of shirts doesn’t matter when they’re in the laundry, but it does matter when it’s time to fold & put away. It’s not a life-or-death thing by any means, but it makes an annoying chore just that much more annoying when you have to flip everything (shirts, undies, socks) right-side out again. And leaving the toilet seat up isn’t just about not falling in, although that’s unpleasant. A bathroom just looks “cleaner” or more put-together when the seat is down (preferably the lid too). Maybe this doesn’t matter as much if it’s a master bathroom inside a bedroom… Read more »
I second this about shirts – particularly since during the winter my wife will wear two or three and I need to both peel them apart and turn them right side out.
What worse though is having to turn smelly, sweaty gym socks right side out. I often feel like I need a shower after doing so.
“A bathroom just looks “cleaner” or more put-together when the seat is down (preferably the lid too).” Here’s where I’m sometimes at odds with my wife, though we’ve mostly reached some great common ground about housework. In my view, and I’m owning my own stuff here, there is less objective reality about what’s “just better because it is” than she thinks there is. When she says something “just looks better,” I think she doesn’t seem to recognize that it’s her aesthetic preference and not scientific reality. I would rather see her admit that she’s stating a preference, not a fact.… Read more »
Oh snap….I must add that if my mission in life was to annoy my wife less…why did I marry her in the first place? Oh OK, I will stop being sarcastic. Here is the one and only rule. Any relationship, anytime. Help them get through life. If they really love you, they will help you get through life. It’s that simple. Ofcourse, the hard part is finding someone who you want to do that for and then they in return also want to do that for you. Little tough to do when someone is making lists………just sayin.
#9: Move out.
#10: Get a divorce.
#11: Die.
Etc.
Haha, hilarious list. I love that you & your husband can laugh about the silly, obnoxious things you each do. Thanks for posting such great articles, Good Men Project!
To the comment before me- Good one, Troll. Sorry about the fact that you missed the point; at least you posted anonymously.
What would his list have on it? Ever think of that, or are you perfect? Consider that, discuss with him, and maybe both of will be more willing to think about each others’ feelings…
It’s more difficult when your partner isn’t as awesome at making lists as you are, to know what is on their list of things you could be doing to stop annoying them so much. With great power to communicate comes great responsibility to understand others.