Accept That He Cheated

Seeing clearly what is within one’s power to change is the key to taking action after infidelity.

With the temptations available to high-profile men, it’s not surprising that many of them get caught up in cheating scandals. In the last year alone, via almost every media outlet, we heard about men like Chad Johnson and Ashton Kutcher engaging in sexual relations outside their high-profile relationships. And with the surge in reality TV and massive media coverage, we’re better able to witness how their wives and girlfriends handle these situations.

No doubt infidelity is painful. When anyone dedicates themselves to a union, and their trust is betrayed, the emotional pain can be overwhelming. But for women in particular, to avoid this pain, there seems to be a specific way in which these situations are handled. As seen in countless scandals, when cheating allegations surface, oftentimes the woman will first stand by her partner. Demi Moore and Fergie are just a couple that stood by their husbands when mistresses first reported affairs with their high-status men.

In cases of infidelity, women may also shift blame to the ‘other’ women involved. We see this pattern surface on reality TV programs like Basketball Wives and Mob Wives, where wives and girlfriends hold the other women primarily responsible for their men’s misbehavior. There seems to be aversion to one simple reality—the man’s betrayal.

And if its clear he’s been unfaithful, there’s constant rumination as to why the cheating occurred. Like the scandals themselves, the media harps on the subject, discussing all potential reasons for male infidelity. And depending on the source, you get a different answer. According to marriage counselor M. Gary Neuman, its emotional disconnection. According to TV personality Bill Maher, it’s the desire for something new. And according to legal prostitute Brooke Taylor, its narcissism. I’m sure there’s some truth to these arguments. But if there’s anything that’s certain—it’s that the cheating happened.

In an attempt to protect ourselves from pain, we think around ‘what is’, rationalizing or rejecting the reality before us. And with something as prevalent and painful as cheating, it’s not surprising that women mentally avoid the reality of their man’s indiscretion. But in acknowledging this act comes the acknowledgement of your partner’s sexual relation with another—not yours.

Some may ask—wouldn’t it be better to find reasons why this occurs, instead of just accepting it for our relationships? And my answer is—sure, if you want, you can look for reasons why and perhaps you’ll get some answers. Perhaps, as Gary Neuman claims, it’s emotional disconnection, or as Brooke Taylor claims, it’s your partner’s narcissistic character. But if you don’t at least hold him responsible for his decision, you’ll continue to carry the emotional burden of the indiscretion.

Furthermore, accepting this reality does not mean accepting infidelity in your relationship. Women who tolerate cheating do not hold their partners fully responsible for their actions. This allows her to maintain an illusion that her partner’s behavior can somehow be controlled.

But to accept the reality of his cheating is freedom: a release from bondage to a situation that can only be changed by the cheater himself. Understanding her powerlessness to keep her partner from cheating is, paradoxically, empowering. A woman who finds herself in this situation, and accepts that her partner has decided to cheat and that this is not in her power to change, can find what in the situation she does have control over, including whether to remain in the relationship at all.

 

Read more on Infidelity on The Good Life.

Why Do Good People Cheat? is the result of a joint call with elephant journal love and relationships. Begin reading their series with  the hit first piece, How to Be a Cheater.)

Image credit: 55Laney69/Flickr

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About Merissa Bury

Merissa Bury is a freelance writer with a BA in Psychology/English from Rutgers University. In a perfect combination of her interests, she created Modern Female Central, a 'feminist' blog dedicated to the emotional well-being of women http://modernfemalecentral.com/. In her spare time, she enjoys meditation and writing music.

Comments

  1. I like this…after being a serial cheater myself, in the first relationship I thought was going to be mongamous & exclusive (after I did “the work”), the guy cheated on me. It was so deeply hurtful to me. Part of my mind went immediately to “KARMA!” but after the initial shock and grief, I was able to see that cheating was just something he did. He didn’t do it TO ME. It was more about him than it was about me…just like my own repeated cheating had been about ME. Perhaps I wouldn’t have been able to see his behaviors so clearly if I hadn’t previously stood in his shoes.

  2. I wonder if the same could be said about a woman if she was the one caught cheating.

    A man caught cheating is just that, a cheater. But a woman caught cheating is a wh*re, sl*t, pr*stitute, loose, cheap, uncultured, bag of dirt and All those other derogatory terms which can be collected for women.

    Again, when a man cheats, society expects his woman to understand and stand by him. But when a woman cheats, the same society expects the man to ditch her because she’s no good.

    I don’t know, just random thoughts…o_O

    • This is interesting, because I’ve gained essentially the opposite perspective. That is, when a man cheats, it’s because he’s a dog who only thinks with his dick, but when a woman cheats, it’s because something was missing from the relationship.

      It sounds like we’re both a bit guilty of confirmation bias.

  3. I think its great these points have been made-its true, I’ve only addressed the negative stereotype of male cheaters, when in fact, men have equally negative stereotypes of female cheaters ie. sluts, whores, etc. But in accepting the reality of your partner’s choice may actually minimize these negative stereotypes for BOTH men & women-as this perception may render greater focus to the cheater’s own complex relationship to himself/herself and WHY they chose to be unfaithful. I think its this idea that we are somehow responsible or ‘wronged’ by a cheating partner that perpetuates such derogatory stereotypes in BOTH genders. But yes, this article can definitely be applied to men experiencing female infidelity as well

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  1. [...] over, including whether to remain in the relationship at all. (This piece appeared under the title Accept That He Cheated, at content partner The Good Men Project as part of elephant love and relationships and GMP joint [...]

  2. […] This article is also featured on the Elephant Journal and the Good Men Project […]

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