Our editor-in-chief bares it all in a direct confrontation with body shame.
My body is a testament to high testosterone. I have a body type one sees a lot: male pattern baldness, plenty of body hair, builds both muscle and fat very easily. You see guys like me all the time, with our wide shoulders and wider beer guts. Burly sonsabitches, often rocking the shaved-head-and-beard combo. It is not, it’s fair to say, a body type that is highly lauded by media culture.
I didn’t always look like this. When I was a teenager, I was so skinny I won awards for dressing as Jack Skellington, which sounds like a joke and isn’t. When I was twenty, I dressed as Nightwing for a costume contest, and the woman MCing the show called me “the reason spandex was invented.”
That was a long time ago.
Nowadays, I’m technically considered obese.
Click to continue…NSFW images ahead
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About Noah Brand
You look like my husband. You’re both very sexy.
I don’t so much have an invariable type as fall in love, and then end up with a fetish for that particular person’s look and style. I guess it’s imprinting.
Do men have a hard time imagining falling for a person for reasons other than looks, and then getting turned on by whatever those looks happen to be because it’s *them*? Even so much as to generalize the preference and like it on other people too?
I don’t think it is so much a man-woman thing, as it is a difference between people. I know plenty of men(-looking people) who are like what you’ve described and conversely I also know of women(-looking people), such as myself, who can’t fall for someone without some sort of initial umpf, at least it hasn’t happened yet. I can like someone a lot, but not desire them if this initial look-based spark is lacking. I guess you could call it shallow, I’ve struggled with it for years and tend to now call it ‘how I work’. It isn’t something I consciously do, or could control and I’ve tried to be with people who I wasn’t attracted to in this way, but in the ‘I’ve known you for a while and you’r super cool, it’s just that it doesn’t feel like enough’ way and it isn’t worth it, neither for me nor for the other person.
I kind of hope I’ll change, because I have a very narrow type and I only very rarely meet people that fit it (three so far, to be exact).
don’t feel bad or ashamed for being this way. I’m a woman (identified) and I feel the same way. I think you’re right in that attraction and who/how we fall in love is very much set by the individual. I used to feel bad that I could develop these strong feelings for men (and women) I found intriguing intelligent, funny, kind, etc… but the hard truth of the matter is you can’t fake attraction. sometimes it is incited by physical factors, sometimes not. it’s so much to do with you personally and where your head is at. don’t feel bad, or afraid, just embrace yourself and your style of love.
@Layo: “Do men have a hard time imagining falling for a person for reasons other than looks … ?”
Personally, I have been “falling” many times for reasons other than looks. In two instances, I felt she was a soul-mate (or something close to it) for me.
I’m a complex person, so there can be many factors that entice and attract me. I’m sensitive to beauty, of course, but there is much more in a woman.
I think the stereotype “Men are only looking for beauty” is partly a myth: just like some women are gold-diggers, that doesn’t mean all women are like that.
Valter, isn’t beauty in the eye of the beholder? I’m sexually attracted to men. Many a man who looks “beautiful” is too often emptied headed and begs for some training in social skills. Many a muscled guy is simply dumb and narcissistic as hell. Many a guy who looks like an ordinary “joe” has depth and sensuality beyond what you may expect or think possible. I presume this is the same with women, no matter what they may look like on the outside. Sooner or later, we discover that it’s not simply the looks of the person that we find attractive, or indeed it is not the looks, but the depth of the person inside. There is many a man who holds shame about something he just doesn’t want to “look at” or explore and release!
@Ken Stoff: “Valter, isn’t beauty in the eye of the beholder?”
Yes and no. Partly.
On one hand we have individual tastes and attitudes; OTOH, we’re biologically programmed to find (on average) some traits more or less attractive.
Thus, thinking “Looks are what matters!” is as blind as believing “Looks doesn’t matter”. Once again, truth lies in the middle.
And, this works differently for different persons: people like me and you are more focused on the personality, someone else more on the looks. So, again, there’s no universal recipe.
But, yes, I agree that when one is empty headed, no amount of looks can save him/her in my eyes.
Good on you mate, I wish I had the courage to do this. One day, I hope I will.
Bravo Man! whether I see sexy or not in your particular shape or form matters not. I see REAL, I see OPEN, I see HONEST, and I see CONFIDENT…. and if that isn’t sexy, I don’t know what is!
Thank you for sharing yourself…
Please write about how you confronted your fear, shame, and self-hatred. What did you actually do? I am finding it very hard to let these things go.
If I had a nickel for every time I heard that women were the naturally more “beautiful” sex (because gender essentialism is also totally awesome… not), I’d be rich. I’d also be incredibly depressed at having a reminder for every single time the idea that the male form isn’t sexy or beautiful was reinforced.
You sir, look great. And also like my husband too. Dudes have every reason to be as happy with their bodies as anyone else. (-Everyone- should be happier about their bodies in general, but… yannow.)
Body shame, why? Your hot! As long as the overall shape is good… Well that cheered up my work day
.
Thank you. I smiled. It reminded me of how much I love my husbands sweet hairy body.
I wouldn’t exactly call the guy a parade float, but at least his images are in reasonably good taste. I wouldn’t want to see some 500 pound big ‘un posing nude a la the naked Madonna photo book staring at her twat.
That kind of conditional body acceptance is what this whole article is trying to dispel. “Some 500 pound big ‘un” has just as much right to feel sexy as Noah does, or you do, or anyone else. That is the whole point.
Funny, take away the baldness and you’ve got my ideal male. :3
I’m…not a fan of male-pattern baldness, primarily because my father was going bald by his mid-30′s and I wouldn’t want to wish that on my kids.
Actually, most of the genes implicated in male pattern baldness are on the X chromosome so you are more likely to pass it to your sons than your husband.
Yes! Good for you! There is nothing sexier than a person comfortable and accepting of their body! It’s a battle I fight every day. Thank you for this, Noah!
Thank you so much for writing and posting this. I truly think that the more people who do this, knowing full well that they do not fit the thin-obsessed Hollywood ideal, the more people will come to accept their own bodies. (P.S.: I think you’re adorable.)
Well – this chubby lesbian thinks you’re pretty cute and pretty alright and pretty human and brave to put his out there. Hooray! And thanks for reminding us that body shame isn’t just something women have to deal with.
Having taken some pretty similar steps on my journey towards letting go of my sense of shame about the size and shape of my own body, I can tell you that I found the process of having nude pictures taken very liberating as well – there’s a psychological shift in trying to see in the pictures what others see in you that I found incredibly helpful in seeing myself with out societally induced stigma.
Congratulations on this bold step in your journey, and thank you very much for sharing it with us.
I just spent the last year interviewing and writing about large people and body image and sex. People who, for the most part, are much larger than Noah Brand. And by larger I mean fatter. I couldn’t possibly tell you the myriad of fascinating things I have learned here, about both women and men, but I will sum it up as best I can: Self perception is everything. I know that sounds simplistic and cliche. It also seems to be true. The primary difference in whether or not people get noticed sexually, is whether or not they feel confident and open about being noticed sexually. That doesn’t deny all of the societal crap. I am not talking about who is hot in a magazine or in the movies. But between real people in real life, male and female, the energy we put out is the energy we get back. (I don’t like that word, energy, but I have a paragraph here). I am not suggesting this is easy. I for one, am terrible at it. Getting to the place of self confidence where people are drawn to you is damn hard work. But it’s not gender specific. Having spoken to men and women, I don’t know that it is harder for one gender. It is certainly harder, or easier, for some people. At any rate, these photos and sentiments are fabulous and I would be quite surprised if they weren’t effective for Noah, in the woman thinking he is sexy department — which is probably not what he anticipated.
Self perception is everything. I know that sounds simplistic and cliche. It also seems to be true. The primary difference in whether or not people get noticed sexually, is whether or not they feel confident and open about being noticed sexually.
Have you gathered any perception, or estimation, regarding the other way around?
How will people who are not noticed sexually, react regarding confidence and openness?
That’s a good but more difficult topic. For full disclosure (and I guess self promotion) I have a book coming out in a few weeks called Fat Sex: The Naked Truth. It deals with all of this. I think the short answer to your question is it takes a great deal of time and a certain personality type to be sexually confident fat person in our culture — generally speaking. If someone is fat from a young age and not supported for who they are, they tend to have a harder time with confidence and openness. It varies a bit more for people who gain weight later in life, but it can be even harder for them. There are degrees in size and also degrees in self perception. That is in part how society will respond as well.
I’m making a somewhat educated guess, but I imagine anyone who is not noticed sexually, for whatever reason, may have have issues regarding confidence and openness. Most of us want to be noticed sexually and will be hurt if we aren’t. Right? There are two important realities here, as I see it, off the top of my head. One is how well you fit the current ideal. The other is how bothered you are that you don’t fit the current ideal. The first if fairly objective, and the second is very subjective. There are people attracted to everyone (that seems to be true). Whether you recognize that and can internalize that emotionally involves a lot of factors and is very individual.
If someone is fat from a young age and not supported for who they are, they tend to have a harder time with confidence and openness.
Basically.
When it comes to attractiveness this has been one of the hardest parts to deal with. When you’ve never heard that affirmation (versus what seems to be Noah’s situation of once having it and losing it somehow, bearing in mind the mention of the MC and spandex) it’s very hard to develop the self perception needed.
There are people attracted to everyone (that seems to be true). Whether you recognize that and can internalize that emotionally involves a lot of factors and is very individual.
I think the part in bold is a part of the problem when dealing with someone who has never been sexually noticed. It’s hard to recognize that “everyone is attractive in their own way” when history says otherwise. Whenever someone says something like that it gets stacked up against going a few decades of never hearing how exactly you are attractive.
And the older a person gets the further they descend.
@Rebecca Jane Weinstein:
I was talking about people feeling unattractive in general, and not exclusively about fat/overweight people. But thanks for the answer anyway.
The question was more regarding, if attraction is only (or mostly) a self confidence thing, how do we get people who’ve never been told or felt attractive to get that confidence? Adult people who’ve constantly been rejected or missed out on the whole dating scene?
I thought that maybe that was a subject you might have an opinion on or maybe have touched in your research?
I think you look awesome. Honesty, confidence and self-love is ALWAYS sexy. Images like these are so important, it’s so easy to get swept away in the current of body-shaming nonsense that we are bombarded with every day, and bodies that don’t conform to media standards of beauty are so often totally invisible. Pictures like this bring me so much joy. ALL BODIES ARE GOOD BODIES. Well done, Noah, your bravery is admirable!
Truly wonderful!! I have been a naturist (nudist) for nearly forty years (I am sixty-five years old now – if that matters) and articles like this simply reinforce why I adopted that way of life and philosophy way back then. I have never regretted taking that first step. Social nudity allows us to move w-a-y past the conditioned reactions we are endowed with by society and lets us respond to one another (and ourselves) at a far deeper and gentler, loving level.
Bravo, Noah! I hope that you carry this acceptance and love of the real you with you for the rest of your life.
Oh, and if anyone is wondering, no, I am not a gay man. Very heterosexual. I have, however, been able to move into that space where I can accept both men and women first and foremost as people, rather than their gender. As I said, it permits one to hold others and oneself in a far gentler and more loving way. You should try it!!
Peace, Love and Laughter always!!
I think you look like pure “man” to me. I love it. I wish I had that kind of body confidence. Some of the men I’ve been most attracted to where not what Hollywood would say is hot. Infact, I find those men sometimes vastly more interesting and sexy and made me feel even more feminine.
I just hope that there would be just as much male support about a woman going through the same thing as I see female support in this topic.
@Erin: “I just hope that there would be just as much male support about a woman going through the same thing …”
I, for sure, would be a supporter.
As a matter of fact, I have always been supportive of female friends (or GFs) with body issues, encouraging them to see themselves “ok” as they were.
Alas, many of them could hardly believe me: they were more prone to believe societal pressure and their own self-shaming attitude.
It’s one case where the worst “enemy” is inside.
Unfortunetly, that is a huge weakness among women Valter and yes, sometimes we can be our own worse enemy. But I am very appreciative of your supportive attitude regardless. Thanks Valter!
I hope one day we as a society can take it even one step further and go beyond feeling like our bodies are only either shameful or beautiful, like these are our main choices.
How about sometimes our bodies are beautiful, sometimes they’re not so beautiful, and sometimes they just are the way that they are? Sometimes we can take pride in them, sometimes we just accept that they are bodies. It’s okay if we don’t think all of every part of them on every single person is beautiful all the time. That would be just as absurd as mortifying all flesh completely.
At the very least, let’s be open to the possibility of the Romantic poets’ notion of the “sublime,” which means something that can be beautiful and at the same time alarming, frightening, even grotesque. There’s no reason we have to be so simple-minded that we can’t find a body both ugly and beautiful at the same time. We can even find the exact same parts ugly and beautiful at the same time. It’s not necessarily an either-or zero-sum game.
Instead of flipping the self-image coin from ugly to beautiful, I hope someday we can develop some better currency….
Bravo, wellokaythen! Bravo!
So very few questions are truly either-or, zero-sum or win-lose. The world is NOT digital: all ones and zeros!
A huge part of the societal pressure that we all have to resist in order to grow as human beings, is this modern insistence that the world is either Black-or-White. Not only are there myriad shades of Gray (or Brown, if one simply must see that as a racial comment), but there’s the whole spectrum of color, plus every combination of plaid, paisley and polka-dots that could ever be imagined.
You look wonderful. The one thing I have found that consistantly makes me body comfy is to be more focussed on what is inside that body. You obviously have balls made of brass. That alone should make you see whats in the mirror as sexy as all hell.
Confidence is sexy. You are confident and inspire confidence. Go you, sexy.