Kaleb learns to look in the mirror for affirmation.
For the longest time, I assumed I was fat. I’m not, and I never really was. I still am somewhat overweight and at times, chubby, but thinking of myself as fat was a cop-out. It was easy to chalk up my limited success with the opposite sex to my physical unattractiveness, so I did that by calling myself fat. Then I decided to do something about it.
I began lifting weights and running. In only a year, I was able to nearly double the amount of weight I was lifting. I am very short, but very stocky with a barrel chest. My ribcage is about 9-11 inches from back to front, and my shoulders would be large on a man a foot taller than me.
I had been working out for some time, and was definitely more powerful. I knew that my arms had bulged out, I had developed pectorals, and punching my abs made people hurt their hands. I fancied myself better looking than the year before, as well. Then I had a conversation which would replay in my mind often.
A friend of mine was listing people she found attractive and I asked her why she hadn’t mentioned me. The people who she had named were by and large short, like myself, but unlike me, skinny as hell. No offense to them, but I’m not talking attractive skinny, I mean, if they wore shirts too tight I could count their ribs and see the outline of their collarbones. I considered myself in their league as far as looks went: while they are oddly slight, I am weirdly large. She flatly told me I wasn’t attractive. (On another aside, someone seriously needs to teach this girl some social skills.)
This wasn’t the first time anyone had ever called me ugly to my face, but it was the first time someone said I was uglier than a skeleton. It was devastating, especially since I had worked so hard to remodel myself. I had used the “fat and ugly” excuse before, but I felt I had gotten to the point where that explanation no longer held weight.
What’s a guy supposed to do? Even before her callous observation, I wondered over what was “considered attractive” and recognized that I just didn’t have it anymore. The “largeness” of men like Elvis, Sean Connery, and Paul Newman had been replaced with a slimmer, boy-toy look. No one ever compliments my increased muscle mass, large shoulders, or flat but still powerful upper body because nobody compliments those traits in men’s physiques anymore.
It didn’t matter that I could bench press their body weight. They had it, and I didn’t. After a while, though, I came to a shocking realization—it didn’t matter to me. It was obvious from my reaction to my friend’s dismissal that I was proud of my body, else I wouldn’t care so much about it, and it didn’t matter what other people thought. Seeking validation in others is bound to fail. There’s simply no way you can feel good about who you are through the opinions of other people.
I’m damn proud of my progress, and I’m not stopping now.
You can too, and to hell with the rest.
—Photo credit: Spirit-Fire/Flickr
About Kaleb
Kaleb,
Great job of transforming your body. Kudos Bro!
Here is the good news: you have masculinity. These other men do not. Don’t believe all the garbage put out from Madison Avenue etc. Human nature changes slowly over time. Women still do and will continue to value masculinity in a man.
Obviously I am biased. I am proud of my masculinity. I am masculine, proud, confident, and authoritative. I don’t shave my body and never will. I have big hands (size 16 ring), big feet (13 EEE), and a swagger to go along with it all. Guess what? Women find me attractive even though I am average bloke.
You got the right attitude: too hell with them all. F**k ‘em!!!
Don’t get your validation from the mirror man, get it from the inside. It’s how you feel that is important, not how you think you should look.
Exactly, that’s what I mean. What I see in the mirror only matters insofar that I like it, and I honestly have not gone through that many physical changes. I’ve just learned to value what I have.
I’m pretty fit on the outside. I go through spurts of working out (running, pushups, situps). What I notice most aren’t the actual changes in my body, but my PERCEPTIONS of myself and the PSYCHOLOGY involved. I’ll start a regime on a Monday, and by Thursday think I see a difference in the mirror – which is completely ridiculous. What’s actually happening is I’m just starting to feel better about myself because I’m getting some exercise. Keep it up!
You said it better than I could, man. This is exactly what I was going for. Although there isn’t a huge physical change, I’ve learned to like what I see in the mirror, even if it was almost the same as before.
Kaleb:
Newman was a runt.
Redford too.
But good for you for lifting and running. Believe me, skinny men twist in constant anguish over their absence of virile-looking mass. Constant. They’re at the GNC stores, hoping a weight-gain powder will make good on that old Charles Atlas promise from the back of the comics 50 years ago.
The woman/women who think you’re attractive haven’t said so to you yet. You’ll need a wider sample before you can say conclusively that you are or aren’t.
Give yourself a break—and some dap. And since you’ve done all that work to hot yourself up, treat yourself to some new clothes to show off the new bod. Try Brooks Brothers if you’ve really got it going on these days. They’re still cut for the traditional American physique (big), their styles are simple but smart and won’t make you look like you’re trying too hard.
Carry on, sir.
My hubby inherited his Siberian ancestors’ back hair and stocky build….on top of that, he had major back surgery as a teenager (no fun wearing a scoliosis brace!)….Some hot sorority girls in college deflated him when they mentioned that they detested back hair…..although I must say that did not derail him for too long and he went on to successfully gain his confidence with the opposite sex….
He also works out hard with weights and is amazing in so many ways…I used to tell him how much in awe I was of him when we were in grad school…what does it matter what some snotty sorority girls prefer? It was their loss that they couldn’t appreciate all of his talents….
To be fair, guys like Hugh Jackman and Russell Crowe are considered sex symbols now, and guys like James Dean and Ryan O’Neal were considered sex symbols back in the era you cite. Nothing’s really changed, in other words. Just that people’s tastes in men vary, like they always have. Don’t beat yourself up for not having “it” when there’s no single definition of what “it” is anyway.
Noah’s comment nails it.
Besides, men’s attractiveness is only half physical. The rest of male attractiveness rests on personality traits such as confidence, wit & humor, dominance, kindness (the last two are not mutually exclusive–think benevolent king).
You can work on these traits as much as your physical body, and get as good, if not better results.
After a while, though, I came to a shocking realization—it didn’t matter to me. It was obvious from my reaction to my friend’s dismissal that I was proud of my body, else I wouldn’t care so much about it, and it didn’t matter what other people thought. Seeking validation in others is bound to fail. There’s simply no way you can feel good about who you are through the opinions of other people.
I’m damn proud of my progress, and I’m not stopping now.
You can too, and to hell with the rest.
Ive seen some people only realise this in their 40s (like, wtf!?!), so well done for coming to that understanding at 18/19
2 add-ons.
1. Thanks so much for the outpouring of support. This is clearly a very personal article, so its really nice to see people help me rather than attack me. The community on this site never ceases to amaze.
2. I freely admit that I’m guilty of “grass is always greener on the other side” syndrome. I’m sure that many people are envious of my body type. I think its human nature to want what we can’t have.