Shawn Maxam discusses the importance of accepting his mental illness.
Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it.
-Confucius
Most of the time having bipolar sucks! The medication, the talk-therapy, the occasional psych ward visit and best of all the unrelenting self-inflicted mind f*ckery of being emotionally/mentally unhinged. Controlling your disorder (and not having it control you) takes a combination of Dalai Lama restraint and Pope-like discipline.
If I had a dollar for every time I wanted to punch someone in the face or stab myself in the chest with a knife I could afford to buy Facebook, Google and still have a few bills left over to buy the “er” in Twitter. Being diagnosed with a mood or thought disorder is probably similar to being told you have diabetes or cancer. Yes, it’s that serious. People with mental illnesses can avoid until confronted by severe circumstances (suicides, psychotic breaks). We can receive psychological care without being institutionalized thus allowing us to “fool” ourselves and everyone else that our mental health isn’t serious.
Mental illness is much more subtle. You may feel “off” but you don’t know why. The warning signs may not be articulated until after you end up the hospital or psychiatric ward. For diagnosis, the mental health community requires clients and patients to self-report their own symptoms, which we do poorly, due to a combination of ignorance and pride. How many people confide in their spouses or best friends? How many men talk about their feelings? It wasn’t until January 2011 that I realized I had to embrace my disorder and become an active participant in my own treatment and well-being.
♦◊♦
I always took my meds and went to my therapy appointments but that was all surface sh*t. I wasn’t being mindful of my mind and thoughts. I’ve recommitted myself to coping mechanisms that work for me and if a situation or person stresses me out, I remove myself. Negativity can trigger an episode (a manic or depressive period) which literally could lead to my death by suicide.
I don’t love my bipolar like Donald Trump loves his hairpiece or how hipsters love irony or how mothers love babies, but I do accept it as a part of who I am and that is a tremendous advantage in dealing with the ups and downs of living with it.
—Photo credit: TooFarNorth/Flickr
About S. Maxam
for me, the hardest part is developing a support structure. i have my days where walking in front of a train seems like the best way for everyone else to see how i feel or when everything is like a hipster music video with lens flare and quirky women, where i’m so ecstatic to talk to everyone like each word out of your mouth is a religious experience.
coming to grips with having bipolar disorder is unfortunate when i feel that talking about my problem gives others privy into a very intimate side of myself that quite frankly isn’t anyone else’s business. mental illness is treated quite flippantly, there’s a comic that i recently read on reddit, http://www.akimbocomics.com/?p=573 , that i quite enjoyed.
I live with three major mental illnesses. Paranoid Schizophrenia – a thought disorder and Bi Polar II Disorder – a mood disorder. These two illnesses combined are known as Schizoaffective Disorder.
I also have Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I have lived with symptoms of all three disorders since I was a small child. However the “learning to accept and live with them” part for me has been the most difficult. At first I fought against the concept of being me being Mentally Ill very vehemently. I was filled with thoughts such as; this could not possibly be happening to me and how could this happen to me? After I finally realized that this was happening to me I had a tremendous sense of shame about being Mentally Ill. I thought for many years after my diagnosis from the Psychiatrist in 1997 that I was the only one who was going through this. I felt this way because there was no one else that I knew that looked like me that that was also going through this with whom I was able to identify with. I am a dark skinned mixed race male. Because I was not able to make that connection I thought that the symptoms that I was experiencing weren’t real. Years later after finally seeing other Black Men as well as other Men of Color who were living with Mental Illness It was then that I went on to begin to learn how to accept my illness. I’ve been on the journey to “acceptance and learning” about six years now. I’ve now come to the place where I no longer condemn myself for having a psychiatric disability. In fact I am learning to love myself more each day. Some days are easier than others but that fact is I continue to move forward. I also try to encourage others living with Mental Illness to do their best to live their best lives as well. I advocate in hopes of raising awareness regarding Mental Illness particularly for Men of color. This is a demographic that has been greatly impacted by Mental Illness but historically tends to receive the least in terms of; accurate information regarding mental health issues, compassion, access to affordable / effective and comprehensive mental health services. Thanks a million for this most amazing post. May we all be encouraged – Miguel!