Real parenting is always hands-on.
The kindly lady at the register called me a “hands-on dad.” I was waiting to check out with a box of diapers and a chattering eighteen month old when she smiled and said, “It’s good to see such a hands-on dad.” It was a compliment and I liked it … a lot. I was already swimming in a sea of smiles, nods and “ohhhhhs” from just about every woman I passed. Not much will make a guy feel like Superman more than a slow stroll around Target with his baby daughter in his arms. Honestly, right after she was born, I volunteered to take Pebbles everywhere I went. On a regular day at the grocery store I’m just some idiot who ran out of milk. But strap an infant to my chest and I’m that sweet, young Dad with his precious little daughter. The unshaven, ball cap, sweatshirt look suddenly tells the story of a loving father who has put parenthood before personal grooming, rather than the story of a slacker who really needs to hit the gym. I’m a “hands-on dad,” I get a free pass.
I’d already had a taste of this with my son who’s a couple of years older. We’d be in the middle of a ferocious round of “chase Daddy, catch Daddy, knock Daddy over” at the library park when I would start sensing the approving eyes of moms and nannies lighting on
us as we tumbled across the grass. The truth is, given my insecurities, I reveled in all the unsolicited attention and the feeling that people thought I was a good dad. There’s nothing quite as intoxicating as the approval of strangers.
I’m not entirely sure when I first noticed that my wife wasn’t on the receiving end of the same admiration that I was getting, but it was pretty clear that a trip to Target didn’t include people telling her how great it was to see a mother spending time with her child. Likewise the grocery store, where cruising the aisles with two young children has never involved deferential smiles and I have certainly never in my life heard the phrase “hands-on mom.”
It occurred to me that the reason behind the disparity is both obvious and disappointing. As much as we’d like to believe that we’ve evolved past gender stereotypes, when it comes to parenting, most people still fall back on millennia old ideas of what mommies and daddies are expected to do. Sure, we all understand the concept of stay-at-home dads. But for most folks, this concept barely rises about the level of quaint anecdote. “Oh, look at Tim! He quit his job to raise his kids, how progressive!”
That these trends are noteworthy at all tells us that there still needs to be a genuine shift in mindset; a reimaging of parenting as a true, equal partnership. The fact is, we shouldn’t see anything unique or charming about a capable, dedicated, involved father. Men are not
genetically predisposed indifference or absence and we’re certainly not interested in being cast as “well meaning helper.” The concept of the nine-to-five provider/father, absorbed in his work while the wife labors with raising his children, is equal parts obsolete and insulting. And though we pay lip service to being well past this mid-twentieth century vision of the nuclear family, every special pat on the back I get for simply showing up and being a parent tells us otherwise.
I aspire to be a great father, but I’m not interested in being graded on a sliding scale or getting credit for mundane parenting tasks simply because I’m a guy. I don’t need a parade every time I execute a flawless, one-handed diaper change (which I do regularly) and I don’t need to hear about how great it is that I can do pigtails for my little girl (my piggies rock, by the way). I know these accolades are meant in the best possible way but when you compliment a father for doing something a mother does without notice or praise, you diminish both of us.
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About JD Roberto
@JD: While it is welcome to hear that you are so well received for doing the job of primary care giver. However, you should also know there are many men who have been rejected by their wives and girlfriends and communities for doing the same thing you are doing. Some women become resentful, some view their husbands and boyfriends/partners as less sexually attractive and as less than masculine when that become the primary care giver. Many women have affairs because of these aforementioned reasons and leave their husbands/partners.Many men who are primary care givers face isolation and matronization for doing the very thing that their wives ask for. Men who have these kind of experiences are mentioned in many of the threads on this site.
I hadn’t thought about it that way, but you’re right, it’s a backhanded compliment.
Like:
“For a girl, you’re really good at math.”
“He’s such an articulate black man.”
“He’s big, but he’s gentle.”
I was visiting with my brother-in-law recently, who is a SAHD to his two-year-old daughter. He and my husband were working on some home improvements upstairs while I watched our niece. She started wailing because they were going in and out of the house with lumber and she was stuck behind the baby gate. I am useless as a baby-calmer, but my BIL stopped what he was doing to come in the living room and snuggle on the couch with her until she settled again.
I did have a marked positive reaction to seeing this guy who’s 6’2″ (or more) and built like a linebacker, snuggled up with his young daughter, with no complaint about being interrupted from his task. I have known a few dads who were not so quick to drop what they were doing on behalf of their child, or would defer the problem to Mom. For people who are used to the precedent of the uninvolved, hands-off father (either by stereotype or because of their own life experience), it IS refreshing to see a dad being hands-on.
Is it only diminishing to the sexes if I say it out loud, or is it sexist to even think it? I’m not a parent, but I’ve heard parents say that parenting can be a thankless job. I would think a sincere compliment/observation about your quality parenting would be welcome.
I see what you’re saying and don’t necessarily disagree, but it’s sort of to be expected. You’ll see it in ANY arena where one demographic tends to dominate. A female mechanic is going to get a lot more curious attention, comments, and/or praise than a man doing the same job – does that diminish the men? Or are we, as humans, just predisposed to notice things that are *different* than we are used to or what we have come to expect?
KKZ,
I think there is a stereotype being refreshingly challenged here, but perhaps another one slipping right by unnoticed?
At the risk of sounding like an oversensitive trollish troublemaker, I’m just wondering out loud what the physical dimensions of a man (6’2” and built like a linebacker, for example) actually have to do with anything. Was it that his size is a stark contrast to the size of a little kid? Is there some unstated expectation that a large, muscular man is less likely to be child-friendly or gentle?
(I’ve been told that I “move pretty well for a big guy,” so this is a pet peeve of mine.)
Earned compliments are good, and praise is good, naturally. I just think that praise can sometimes sound a little backhanded, whether it’s intended that way or not. I know many women experience that feeling sometimes when they are complimented for doing something contrary to sexist expectations — “Wow, you actually changed a tire all by yourself. I’m very impressed!’
@ KKZ : Some of the frustration happens because there is an expectation based upon the reasonable assumption that men will not face bias in this traditional woman’s space, but that he will welcomed. After all, it his child too, right ? My oldest brother was among the first post modern generation of men to be told by feminists that men were required in the nursery.
Unfortunately, they assumed that women had thoroughly thought through this process, which isn’t close to being true. Imagine being asked by your partner to sacrifice for the family and be the SAHP and have your partner reject you, sexually. One step forward two steps backwards.
and emotionally for doing that very thing? To make matters worse, that very confused person then blames their partner for the mess.
This assumption exists largely because of the conflicted ignorance about how men and women really behave versus the politically correct beliefs and values we use in practical circumstances. Many men have suffered mightily because they thought they were doing the right thing or simply because they wanted to express their contribution to the family as a SAHP It is great that you have the reaction you do but is is far, far from universal among women.
What is truly interesting , is the reaction to this problem by many women and some men. One could expect that if we were talking about women not being allowed into male nerd space there would be lots of outright unconditional condemnation of the any behavior that sought to limit a woman’s access to that space.
It goes like this; if guys WANT WOMEN IN THEIR SPACE MISTREATING WOMEN WON’”T ACCOMPLISH THAT END. Granted this example uses a false equivalent. but it does serve to make a point.
Any parent that decides to put their careers on hold to raise children, needs and deserves, not only the support and unwavering respect of their families and partners, but of the community as well, no excuses.
You make a lot of good points, but I struggle to see how this relates to my comment – I wasn’t really talking about how spouses cope with a non-traditional setup like a SAHD, I was speaking more to the notion that making a positive comment about a hands-on dad is essentially demeaning to both genders, which I didn’t quite understand.
I’ve observed that my husband will tease his brother about being a SAHD (called him “my sister” for a while) but at the same time he does truly believe that his brother is doing a good thing and is a great dad. They’re a very tease-y family so I guess that’s normal for them, but I personally wouldn’t mock a SAHD, not even playfully, so the teasing confused me (and even offended me) at first. Outside of my husband’s immediate family, the rest of the relatives tend to be pretty conservative and traditional, and there was a lot of hemming and hawing when word got around about my brother+sister-in-laws’ decision.
Personally I was a little surprised at first, because my BIL spent a lot of time and money getting his Master’s degree and engineering certifications and stood to earn a lot (his wife is a pharmacist with a Pharm. D. degree so she too is a high earner, which does facilitate this arrangement), so I didn’t understand initially why he was choosing not to pursue his career. But they explained that the cost of childcare versus the cost of him not earning an income was the primary thing that led to their decision, and that made sense. To me, that’s where the judgement/discussion ended, but others in the family, while accepting that choice, still tease. That’s the part that doesn’t make sense to me.
@ KKZ: Wow, I can see why you were confused. The most cogent (i think) thing I can write about your comments has to do with what i see as bias though I could be wrong. To be clear, I am not saying that you are against fathers as primary care givers, not at all.
For instance, you make note of your brothers size as if it has something to do with or could inhibit his ability to provide spontaneous cuddles for his daughter.
This reflects a long held bias and stereotype in American culture—” the big tough guy couldn’t possibly change a diaper or be sensitive enough to parent a little girl. We see this played out, still, in movies, especially Disney movies. Most recently, Vin Diesal and Dwayne The Rock Johnson starred in movies of this ilk.
These movies are designed to elicit the kind of reaction, principally in women, you wrote that you had; the AHHH isn’t that sweet reaction, some of which is steeped in bias. That this reaction is available for exploitation by Hollywood is testimony to it’s deeply embedded existence in culture.
The refreshing remark, speaks as if as the sight of your brother was the defining experience for everyone and also seemed to come from that same place. Certainly, you must know that some mothers, many in fact, don’t have the kind of spontaneous patience and sensitivity you write that your brother has.
The kind of man your brother is are all around us and have always been present in society. Being a SAHP isn’t the only kind of parent that is patient and sensitive. What about the dad who works 65/75 hours a week working two jobs, who on the weekend puts on his coaches hat, or his drive-Cindy-100 miles -to-the-all-day-soccer-game-hat or whatever hat? To say nothing of the millions of boys who everyday are the go- to- parent in their homes because parents are working. Boys have done this for generations and get little if any recognition for it. So, your response, given all of this, struck me as, at the very least,as a bit ill informed.
Just yesterday, a kid, a boy, asked us if he could bring his 8 year old brother, who he watches so his mother can work, to practice. Of course, we said yes and asked if his brother would need something to eat while he was there. It’s what we do.
Ah, OK, I see what you mean now about bias.
I really try not to judge parents at all, seeing as I am not a parent nor do I intend or want to become one. Sometimes I laugh at parents (one time I overheard a dad and his son in a parking lot, the kid was maybe 4 or 5 and was just babbling nonsense, and the dad just looked down at him and, with love in his voice, simply said “…Shut up, son.”). When I see parents of either sex being ‘good’ – coaching on the weekend, taking a compassionate approach with a wailing toddler, using a negative event as a teaching opportunity, etc. – I smile. Maybe I smile a little more for the dads, but I don’t think that makes me a bad person. Sometimes I scratch my head at certain parenting behaviors or methods – although what makes me scratch my head more is parents who argue endlessly (and at times viciously) with other parents over these methods.
But I’m never going to pretend I really know a lick about parenting, or understand what it is to be a parent, or can empathize with the issues parents face. So while I understand the problems with the biases you mentioned, I feel personally like I’m sort of a step removed from the parenting-gender-politics thing. I don’t have a dog in that fight.
I had thought that one of the main reasons Fathers can attract this kind of attention is that so many children grow up without their Father, and even now a lot of men can be both emotionally and physically distant from their kids. It may be a double standard in relation to Mothers, but I think so many people are just happy to see some kids still have their Dads around.
@KKZ: I do not in anyway believe that you are a bad person. For me, the bigger picture is what matters. That concerns the idea that there is considerable bias against men in many circumstances involving the care of children and their role in that process. Most importantly, much of that bias is coming from so called progressive camps and there is resistance from those camps( not that you were) to hearing that message. I might oh so humbly suggest that you have skin the game, a dog in the show and fish to fry.
How you view your BIL experiences as a SAHD is important. As a former SAHD and I think for parents, in general, how one’s community, church and other institutions reacts to your BIL will impact the quality of care he gives his daughter. Which is why it saddens me to hear so many women, when told of the challenges SAHD face, like isolation and rejection from mothers at playgrounds, not being taken seriously as the mother and in the general discussion on raising kids etc. The advice that is given is, “Create a support group.” feels unconcerned.It is advice that does nothing to address the central problems and doesn’t require women or men to confront their biases in any meaningful way.
Women certainly don’t like to hear men in their lives respond to their body image issues with, ‘ Go away, you deal with it.” They want men to get their pain, understand what they are going through,. They should give the same but don’t always do.That’s important.