Bravery is not proprietary to men.
I spent years telling the sacred myths. These myths include tales of heroes plowing their chariots into the field of battle, of ancient voyages across mystical seas, of star-crossed lovers fleeing through the wilds to escape their pursuers.
I’m a polytheist priest. It sure beats church.
At some point I stopped thinking of these myths as simple allegories. In ancient times, they were prescriptive: the heroic values they taught were meant as instruction for young warriors. Be brave, be strong, have dignity.
I decided that telling those stories was great, but living them would be better.
I have no illusions that I’ll fight monsters or save damsels. I’ve never done anything heroic in my life. But at the core of the sacred myths is a simple template: travel freely, live by your ideals, and don’t rest until you leave a mark on the world. A single individual can have a huge impact.
The philosophy I call the Heroic Life is now my only religion. It has four tenets:
- You have a purpose in life.
- If you don’t know your purpose, travel.
- Humans are capable of extraordinary things. Learn to do them.
- Follow your ideals, not a set of rules.
For the past year I’ve lived by these tenets and refined them. I’ve spent that time training and getting ready for the greatest adventure of my life, an 8,000 mile walk from the source of the Mississippi River in the U.S. to the mouth of the Amazon River in Brazil. It starts in June. The purpose of the journey? To meet the gods.
So that’s my spirituality. How does the Heroic Life tell me to be a better man? Well…
I guess I could start a train of clichés about manly virtue, the good old days when men were men and honor still meant something. If you really need to hear that, “300″ is available on Netflix.
What I learned by aspiring toward a heroic life is this: masculinity is bullshit.
When you dedicate your life to understanding what it means to be heroic, and acting accordingly, you get to hear a lot of people talk about their hopes and fears. That means men as well as women. And most intriguingly you get to see how they actually live up to them. What I saw in Thailand, Mexico and the United States—and what I expect will be a recurring theme across my travels—is that masculinity does not support heroic action.
By heroic action I mean standing up and doing the right thing when no one else will, even if it hurts.
The values of masculinity (men should be brave, just, valiant) are designed to promote that kind of action. But they fail. What they do instead is turn it into a badge: men get to wear it (whether deserved or not), women don’t (unless they wear black leather).
Bravery is not proprietary. It’s not a male quality. Saying it is has the effect that everyone is less heroic: men slack on the job, and women are told it’s not their place. This is true of all of the good qualities masculinity is supposed to embody. As long as we cling to a worldview that says men are ___, women are ___ we’re creating one more unnecessary voice telling people what they can and can’t do.
I guess I could accept that if it was factually correct. The reality is I’ve seen more strong women and more willingness to stand up for what’s right among women than I have among men.
A woman doesn’t interrupt in Mexico. She had to wait till she had an opportunity when her boyfriend wasn’t there to speak for her, just to tell me she’s afraid maybe feminism has gone too far.
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The belief that we are “inherently” masculine or feminine (or that those terms mean anything) runs deep. In Mexico, a friend’s girlfriend cautioned me that I was too much of a feminist.
“I was raised by a very feminist generation,” she said. “I’m glad I can work a professional career and live on my own. But women still want to be protected and supported. And men will go crazy if they have to stay home like a wife.”
I had no answer, for one simple reason: she waited three weeks to tell me this. Originally it was a conversation between her boyfriend and I, so she didn’t interrupt. A woman doesn’t interrupt in Mexico. She had to wait till she had an opportunity when her boyfriend wasn’t there to speak for her, just to tell me she’s afraid maybe feminism has gone too far.
Hmm.
To some people it’s inconceivable that men can be happy doing traditionally feminine roles, but a growing movement of stay-at-home dads are finding joy in something “masculinity” tells them not to do. At the same time, women find that they can pursue powerful careers and never feel like less of a woman. In a world like that I don’t think masculinity has a place. What would Good Men do? Back off the gender mold, that’s what.
The purpose of spirituality is to transform the individual. Often we want our spirituality to comfort us. We like the be reassured that our beliefs are essentially correct and that everything will turn out just fine if we stay the course. That leads to stagnation and failure.
Instead, challenge those assumptions.
How has my spirituality influenced me as a man? It made me question my deepest beliefs and everything I was raised with. It made me look past my comfortable assumptions and stop giving a free pass to subtle sexism. It taught me that masculinity is an illusion, one that we tell ourselves when we want to feel in control.
If your spirituality doesn’t challenge you, is it even doing its job?
—Photo: HerryLawford/Flickr
Wonderful blog! I found it while browsing on Yahoo News.
Do you have any tips on how to get listed in Yahoo News?
I’ve been trying for a while but I never seem to get there!
Appreciate it
Great article! I love the challenging the masculine and feminine assumptions in society. I sometimes have fun messing with people when it comes to “feminine and masculine roles”. i.e. Going swimming and having not shaved for over a year get comments about woman and shaving, so I respond with, “well, isn’t that sexist.” And they get all bug eyed and thoughtful. Somehow not shaving is viewed as dirty – seriously? Just because you have hair doesn’t mean you don’t bathe. I personally look at it as me embracing my natural human form instead of forcing myself into these assumed roles.… Read more »
Haha, I love it, Rua.
I’d like to share one of my favorite quotes. It’s from “Welcome to the Black Parade,” by My Chemical Romance. -“I’m just a man. I’m not a hero. I’m just a boy who’s meat to sing this song.” Here’s another one from Star Trek: First Contact. “Don’t try to be a great man, just be a man. Let history make its own judgement.”- Zefram Cochrane. In the end, heroism is subjective. I don’t say that we shouldn’t strive to be all that we can be, but don’t search for greatness. Just be a good person, and history will decide whether… Read more »
*Meant.*
I don’t agree with that, personally. To strive for greatness can mean a burning drive to follow your passion, do the absolute most in your art or business or community. And then it can inspire others.
As always, Drew, it is my pleasure to be made to think and question.
“…masculinity does not support heroic action.” And neither does femininity, as both limit us to dictated sets of actions and responses within our cultures. And dictated action is NOT the purview of the Hero. : ) The dictates may change, yet maleness and femaleness will always be with us and always define us in certain inescapable ways.
So, World, how do we marry our fe/male-ness to heroism?
Hi Drew, I found you here and I want to reach out to wish you good luck with your upcoming walk. Last year, I walked 1,800 miles from Vancouver to the border between California and Mexico on a similarly minded search for soul, masculinity, and power. Right now I’m working on telling the story of this journey as inspiration for others. Here’s the link:
http://www.indiegogo.com/monarchspirit
If I can be of any help to you, it’d be my pleasure. Best of luck. I’m going to follow your journey on Facebook.
Best wishes,
Jordan.
What an awesome trip Jordan. I love meeting fellow walkers. I saw you just joined the FB page too. Checking out your page right now!
@BadMan: I’ll be right there as soon as I can be guaranteed equal pay and 0 sexual harassment.
What? Crickets?
I’m SO glad I left this to someone wittier than myself to answer. Thanks Jen, you’re a gem.
I encourage women to step up to the plate and start performing all of the dangerous jobs that men have been traditionally expected to do.
What? Crickets?
Gender is largely culturally created. There’s a saying “Sex is what’s between your legs and gender is what’s between your ears.” The current hegemonic paradigm tries to fit men into one set of gender boxes and women into another set. It leaves both sides often feeling like they’re missing something, and bullied and harassed if they try to see what’s in the other boxes. It’s a sad way to live, realizing only half of your potential. The reality is that certain traits, like bravery, heroism, strength and confidence, are the domain of men and the masculine. Despite over 100 years… Read more »
I strongly agree with that. Thanks for writing this, Jen.
Male feminists = awesome. Female heroes = awesome. Here are a few female heroes I can’t promote enough: Sada Mire – archaeologist hero of Somalia: http://brandondedicant.livejournal.com/230365.html Susan Retik and Patti Quigley – 9/11 widows who raised money for Afghan war widows: http://brandondedicant.livejournal.com/203291.html Gretchen Wallace – activists who teaches social entrepreneurship to women in post-genocide regions of Africa: http://brandondedicant.livejournal.com/133958.html Hawa Abdi – first woman gynecologist in Somalia and leader of refugee camp who faced down Islamist extremists: http://brandondedicant.livejournal.com/199325.html Aung San Suu Kyii – the newly-elected democratic leader of Burma, who ought to be known as the Ghandi or Martin Luther King… Read more »
GREAT list. Thanks for putting this up, B.T.
Those chicks were badass! And they were brave and strong and tough and… Feminine. I don’t see why it’s so important to break down genders. I fuckin like being a dude. No I don’t incorporate everything society deems masculine into my persona, for instance I don’t dig watching sports. Boring as hell, can’t do it. But fuck it man that doesn’t mean I hate the idea of masculinity and want to burn it to the ground. I think that stoic cowboy with the downturned hat and a death wish is badass. No I don’t feel the need to emulate that… Read more »
Why couldn’t a female heroine be masculine? Would that be a bad thing? One of Athena’s epithets is “Manly,” actually.
And why couldn’t a male heroine be feminine? One of Dionysos’ epithets is “Womanly.”
This doesn’t involve “erasing” your idea of the masculine or feminine. You don’t need to stop being masculine, and having that as a treasured part of your idea. You just need to recognize that gender has nothing to do with it.
That sounds great and I would agree but that’s not what the author seemed to be saying at all.
““It taught me that masculinity is an illusion, one that we tell ourselves when we want to feel in control.”
He isn’t saying that women can be masculine and men can be feminine so much as he is saying masculinity is negative.
But it is an illusion.
“‘THEN TAKE THE UNIVERSE AND GRIND IT DOWN TO THE FINEST POWDER AND SIEVE IT THROUGH THE FINEST SIEVE AND THEN SHOW ME ONE ATOM OF JUSTICE, ONE MOLECULE OF MERCY. […] AND YET YOU ACT AS IF THERE IS SOME IDEAL ORDER IN THE WORLD, AS IF THERE IS SOME… SOME RIGHTNESS IN THE UNIVERSE BY WHICH IT MAY BE JUDGED.’
‘Yes, but people have got to believe that, or what’s the point.’
‘MY POINT EXACTLY.’”
– Hogfather by Terry Pratchett
Figured I’d point out the message implied in the title. That we don’t need men. We know, we’ve heard this message for decades now. Also, like most authors who try to tackle the issue of gender roles you seem to be discounting and demonizing masculine men. “It taught me that masculinity is an illusion, one that we tell ourselves when we want to feel in control.” Some men are masculine. Are you saying that they aren’t real? “In a world like that I don’t think masculinity has a place. What would Good Men do? Back off the gender mold, that’s… Read more »
“You seem to be discounting and demonizing masculine men… Some men are masculine. Are you saying that they aren’t real?”
This doesn’t describe my position at all. I assume you mean some men are muscular and brave. They’re very real, and I like their style. Some men are muscular and brave, and so are some women. It’s just not helpful to call that “masculine” and associate it with gender.
We could instead call it what it is – muscular and brave – and think of it as an acceptable goal (or reality) for all sexes.
Yes, Jimmy. The point isn’t that we don’t need men. We need everyone to step up into their full humanity and claim the inner power that allows each human to be heroic in their way. It might be that a man is a fireman, or a woman a CIA agent, or a man a vet taking care of animals, or a woman being an amazing personal assistant, but that when we define heroics or heroism in terms of our genders, we basically cut ourselves off at the knees. At least that’s how I see it. This way, we can see… Read more »
I think there’s a lot more to being masculine than just being muscular and brave. I think it’s far more subtle than that. From 5 o’clock shadow to smelling like musk to speaking in a deep voice.
And whoever said that femininity isn’t muscular and brave? What happened to Artemis?
She was always my favorite, until I found Persephone. And Athena.
And yet with all this bravery of modern women, and women can do anything, they still flock to rather safe and comfortable jobs in droves. There is a trickle towards the ‘dangerous’ professions, but one would think with this new found knowledge of modern women, there would be 50/50 Fire fighters, police, military , coal miners, crab fishermen. etc. NOPE, not quite yet.
The reason for their not being 50/50 for women in the military is because too many jobs are closed to them. I say this as a female veteran. Being treated like a piece of meat in blue or green doesn’t help either…for any of those fields.
Thank you very much for this.
Thanks for the encouragement, Kirsten.
Hal Sparks as a pretty funny bit about the perceived differences between men and women. As he says: “Right now, there is a woman in Rwanda with a machine gun in one hand and a baby in the other, mowing motherf***ers down with a steely mamma-bear gaze in her eye. And there’s a guy in an apartment in up-state New York trying to kill in a bathroom with a rolled up newspaper without sh**ing his pants.” 🙂
Ha! I need to remember that one. Thanks Heather.
I assume the guy in NYC in the quote is trying to kill a cockroach or something? I figured a word was missing there….
I assumed the same. (Spider was my guess.)
Yeah it’s a spider. Dang typos.
“A woman doesn’t interrupt in Mexico.”
If you don’t open your eyes before you begin your big journey, you will not see anything. Why walk accross two continents, when you are so full of your own ideas that there is no place left to learn anything new? What a waste.
Instead of trolling, do you want to give some context, Anthony?
My three months among middle-class Mexicans in Mexico city showed me that, as a rule, the women didn’t talk to me if their husbands/boyfriends were talking to me. If I asked a woman a question directly the man would usually step in and answer for her.
Eyes were open and I saw few counter examples of this. If you feel this is uncharacteristic of most Mexican couples, I welcome hearing more .
“If you feel this is uncharacteristic of most Mexican couples.” I lived in Cuernavaca (an upper middle income suburb of Mexico city) for a year. The community featured a shared swimming pool and shared meals. 1) I do not think that what you observed is characteristic of most Mexican couples. 2) I do not think that you saw what you think that you saw. I think you were an outsider. Mexican couples behave differently to outsiders, compared to how they behave to family and close friends. Women face many problems in Mexican culture. A lack of opinions is not one… Read more »
Fair enough. My walk will have me in Mexico for the better part of a year, so hopefully I’ll get a more balanced view.
For the record, this part I agree with:
“They are assertive and they have enormous power within the family.”