This isn’t about the men that hurt on purpose, men that rape, or men that abandon their families. This is about the average Joe, the guy that loved his mama, tries his best and is still mystified by those of us that are female.
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I hear women question openly: What’s wrong with men? Why can’t they shoot straight? Why can’t they communicate?
We complain that men are shut down in one breath, and complain they’re too emotional in the next. The truth is, our men are striving for a balance in a world where the rules of masculinity keep changing.
I live in Boulder, Colorado, where a man is as likely to have a yoga mat in the back of his truck as his mountain bike. While yoga may open their hips and allow their minds to clear, there are still many guarded and wounded hearts in those classes. Both men and women have been wounded deeply. Men still struggle to make sense of women, while women experience men as closed off and shut down. The reality is, a man’s heart is as vulnerable as a woman’s, but the rules for men are laid out differently from the very beginning.
Here’s a great example of the difference:
While walking my dog, I met a boy in his young teens on a skateboard. His eyes were clear as they met mine and we engaged in a friendly chat. He was open and unguarded until my dog approached, then sharing with me that he once had a dog that looked like mine and was forced to give her away. In that moment, his face clouded, his eyes dimmed and the pain he carried was noticeable. His body language changed and his friendliness ceased.
My mouth hung open as he walked away without saying goodbye, and I realized I had just witnessed a clue as to why many men seem shut down.
Like many women, men are wounded early. The difference? Men are often forced to “buck up” and stuff their emotions rather than express them. Think about it: peers usually ostracize a crying boy over the age of 7.
Often juggling his ever-changing role with mom, he naturally starts to bond with dad and old rules such as “buck up, boys don’t cry and get over it” from prior generations are passed on once again. As years go by, a young boy’s heart becomes more and more protected with each new wound, no real outlet for emotions available. On the other hand, a great many women, regardless of their dysfunctional childhood, grow up and find comfort through female friendships—it’s considered normal to cry and vent, express emotion, and fall apart if necessary.
Men aren’t naturally encouraged to release their pain and express hurt, so to survive, they add armor to their hearts and stand guarded against further pain.
While we find comfort in our female friendships, many men say their only source of physical comfort is sex. I often wonder: Do men reach across the bed for sex when sometimes they’re just seeking solace?
The women I know all agree that witnessing an empowered man opening his heart, despite his wounding, and putting it all out there in a vulnerable way–is sexy. Sexy, but not easy. Most men have been shamed in the past for asking for what they want. They’ve been shamed for wanting sex, shamed for feeling attraction and shamed for their vulnerability. It’s an uneasy playing field out there, actually a mine field when you think about it.
Take a woman previously wounded by an aggressive man and have her approached by a man openly asking for what he wants and she may run. Makes you realize that the next woman he approaches may experience him as a man that dances around what he really wants–now afraid to ask openly. What a conundrum eh? Women are wounded and afraid to trust. Men are wounded and afraid to open.
So what can we do?
- We, as women, can be patient when men talk with us, give them time and space to express themselves and understand that they don’t communicate like our female friends.
- Bantering with girlfriends and talking over one another is common behavior when we gather together, but a man’s sharing is a different process. Men don’t jump from subject to subject. It’s not that they don’t want to share with us, it’s that often when they try to, we jump in and interrupt the flow.
- We can count to 10 in our heads when they stop talking and give them a chance to speak again because 9 out of 10 times, they will.
- We can have patience.
- We can understand that a closed down reaction during a fight is most likely embarrassment and pain as our men realize they’ve disappointed us. We can take a step back and not take the lack of immediate communication as anger and instead, take a time out.
- Most importantly we can remember that our man is not going to be like our female friends. Changing men is not the goal. Even if we successfully changed them, chances are we wouldn’t be attracted to them anymore.
By learning to decipher what appears to be shut down and angry behavior as deep wounding, we can find the patience needed to speak a different language with the men we love. Treating our men as we do our female friends is like walking into a French pastry shop, ordering something in Cantonese, and getting angry when we’re not understood. It requires a different language to show our love.
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You might also like Why Men Need to Give Women a Break Too by Tamara Star
and Man Up Woman Up Why Don’t We All Just Stand Up by Tamara Star
Originally posted on Daily Transformations
I try to be a good man and open up my heart only to get it slammed. As an example. I started dating this girl named Holly. She canceled outbon the first three dates we had set up We meet in line and talked for a month prior to our first date. The first three dates after we finally meet were great. She even invited me over to her house to make and have dinner with her kids. Then after the last date she starts having a problem with her ex. I talked to her on the phone all day… Read more »
i remember when i was 4 or 5 and i used to cry like a normal kid does but my dad used to call me weak and how i cry so much so i decided to never show my feelings to anyone if im sad depressed whatever i just use a happy mask everytime im talking to someone to show them im happy
Thank you Tamara. My husband and I have had these challenges our whole 17 years together. Recently we began a sincere transformation (NOT with typical therapy-which we did three times-and got nowhere) but through “Heartpath institute” at The Yoga Farm in central New York with two incredibly loving people ( a man and a woman) who have been helping us to heal our wounded hearts. My husband and I have truly found each other again… Just when I had lost all hope of every being able to truly connect again. Men hurt too. Everything you said here is spot on.… Read more »
Nice article.
When 99% of pain experienced by women is attributed to men…. why the hell would we want to ‘ease up’ on them? Men, ALL men, need to be held accountable for the poison they’ve unleashed on women. They need to be held in check against the dangers they represent. We do not remove the lock from the cages of the lions den and simply hope the lion isn’t hungry… why would we treat men any different?
Lol whuh?
ALL men? You sure about that?
Wow! You really are bitter. I can’t imagine a man would want any of your venom. But of those who partook, how many of them do you think you’ve damaged? Are you really only 1% to blame? After reading what you said, I find it very difficult to believe that you are that close to perfect. Please take a long hard look in the mirror before blaming anyone else. It takes two to tango.
Do what you like. I didn’t hurt you and the longer you keep that hate towards every single man on earth the more alone you’ll feel.
I always believe that all men are half-women. The angles of these souls are diverse—tough, rational, aggressive, hostile, restrained, at the same time sensitive, understanding, sweet and considerate. But the reality is we all are afraid to bestow our love , openness and listening to others around us. It is not easy for us to express individual emotions in proper situations or occasions , to consider the elements involved with our social identities. We can be families, colleagues, classmates, staff… everywhere. It is the point that really counts in the censorious world where we hide past wounds and memories ,… Read more »
Except that women will not take this advice. Men are regarded much the same as as ATM machines and vibrators – we dispense money and pleasure, at least until we stop functioning or until you find a better model.
I have taken this advice… And am truly blessed because of it. Men are feeling beings. Period. There are both rotten men and rotten women. You have to be a person with an open heart and belief in the depth and resilience of the human spirit to be able to bridge this gap. For men out there who think you’ve been lost in the shuffle, there ARE women out there who want to know your true souls. Thanks to ” Heartpath Institute”, ( my husband and I are finding immense joy, respect and love in one another)men and women can… Read more »
Great comment. I’m liking the open heart idea. I’ve started using it with a lot of men in my like. At first, they look at me as if I must be absolutely crazy. And then…magic!
Great article,and so very true,I’ve experienced being open and and showing emotion only to be slammed and ridiculed by the woman I loved.
I was so confused trying to be a real man but also trying to be caring, warm and open.
Was a disaster…..
Why would I do that again?
I have moved on and constantly have to push and remind myself to love and open my heart.
Michael – what is your definition of a real man? You might want to rethink that.
You ARE a real man! You’ll find her! Keep trying… You haven’t found a woman who appreciates and cherishes these amazing traits.
Remember that men, and boys, also need rights, equality, liberation. Invariably if a woman speaks out about women’s rights, equality, liberation she gets praised and liked. Invariably if a man speaks out about men’s rights, equality, liberation he gets contempt. Double standards. Meantime, women’s issues at least in the west have been in the spotlight since around 1900, men’s haven’t. Specific men’s yes, but not men as a whole. Many people aren’t even conditioned to see that. A woman said that men generally are hurting in ways that women couldn’t even begin to understand. Thus, needing women’s sympathy and compassion.… Read more »
As a young straight male, whilst there are a great number doing us a massive disservice – I’m looking at you, with the Snapback hat & bad Ibiza tattoos! – There are still some of us struggling to find our ways in the world.. Told one second to be the macho man, then another to be soft an open up.. With every new girl one meets, it’s a proverbial minefield in figuring out how to play it.. Whilst i’ve never been the sort to enjoy games, it’s seemed that 90% of women I’ve come forward with my intentions an feelings,… Read more »
The days of the sensitive man are over. A lot of men who have gone that route are still branded rapists by the very same women who told us to be sensitive in the first place. Women are now reaping what more than four decades of feminism have sown. We can’t be too masculine or we’re misogynists and we can’t be too sensitive or we’re wimps. A lot of us are walking away entirely, choosing indifference over trying to hit the moving target that is making women happy. Women have no one but themselves to blame for it.
Great article. I think women would do well to understand that men don’t and most likely won’t communicate the same way as other women. And of course, on the flip side, the same holds true for guys, as well. Would solve a lot of communication issues.
Great article, Tamara. Thanks for reminding me that I’m not abnormal or wrong when I have these typically male responses.
What is the article based on?
I like a lot of the stuff the Good Men produces and it is all well intended, but often the articles claim some grand understandings and make blanket statements about entire genders with a near-religious faith and zeal.
I am also very skeptical of articles by women claiming to want men to open up more about their feelings.
“Most men have been shamed in the past for asking for what they want. They’ve been shamed for wanting sex, shamed for feeling attraction and shamed for their vulnerability. It’s an uneasy playing field out there, actually a mine field when you think about it.” Feeling attraction is ok. Wanting sex is ok. Asking for sex is sometimes (usually) not ok. Pretending to be friends with someone just to get close enough to harass that someone is not ok. Pressuring someone to be with you because you feel attraction is not ok. Putting your self-worth as being something measured by… Read more »
women should be supportive and grateful for good men, I wish I knew more, but we should have better definitions for good people, but we should be more patient and wait to see if men are good guys or not, or good guys with just a few bad things, some of the men who write for this site are definitely not so good, check out spearhead. com the bad boys of good men`s project. I am about to write an article about the power trips in different sex styles pro and con, I don`t like power trips in bed, only… Read more »
In the end it boils to respecting each other. If the man or woman dont respect each other or themselves, then that is basically a dysfunctional relationship. That’s when people move on. Ease up or not its subjective.
One other thing. I finally figured out, internalized it, that you can’t please everybody. In reality not many people, and in the end maybe only one-yourself. Life is short. If people don’t like what I do, then my response is to ask them to ask me the real question first before they made their commentary. That question is “should I expect you to give a shit about anything I have to think or say?”. That generally stops them from going further. I am consciously aware to try not to hurt anyone by what I say or do, I expect the… Read more »
As a man now approaching 60, I have finally gotten past most of the gender crap Christy spoke about above. I think overall her points have much validity to what’s going on today. I am comfortable now being who I am, mostly, there is after all close to 60 years of hearing “the message” of how you’re supposed to be to fit in.. Women seemed to have gotten past a lot of that as a group. Men are still stuck by both men and women, sometimes more by women than men. I call out my male friends as well as… Read more »
I treat men like they treat me; they are just men. I do not put them on pedestals like some of them expect women to do. I will call their BS if needed and I expect them to call on mine. The problem is that it is difficult for men to be equal to women. The demand respect, but hardly give it to women. If this was an article about women, the replies would have been hostile. I see that a lot lately about GMP where men have needs that are being ignored, but women never had them…. Sad
Men and Women, ALL people. The biggest problem of all is communication and true understanding of each other. Men and Women do not think or speak with the same style of mind in general. Learn to communicate with each other, on a deeper level, with understanding and many will begin to see some amazing things happen. Self discovery is the first step to being able to accept others into your life, man or woman. Forget social norms, you be who you want to be and be proud of it. I don’t cry in public i think its embarrassing and shows… Read more »
Luzy it also go in reverse, what you say can easely be said about women. Maybe not us who look into this but the general reality outhere is different. Everything women/men say about the opposite gender goes also the other way. Im sorry but its true.
I agree and disagree with this article. While I don’t care for the generalizations the author makes about women, I don’t feel it’s causing the greatest harm here. The generalizations about men bother me more. Also how does this even follow the anecdote with this boy who lost his dog? ‘I spoke to a young man who couldn’t [or wouldn’t] talk about his grief therefore women need to ease up on men’. I don’t get it. I agree that a lot of men would benefit from having a safe place to express themselves, and that a lot of women should… Read more »
I just have to say thank you for this article. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. I’m so damn paranoid of being one of ‘those assholes’ that I’ve pretty much just given up on dating. Even when I approach a woman I’m interested in and try to be as non-threatening as possible, I don’t seem to ever really get considered. I understand why women feel the way they do, why the world is a much more frightening place because of those men who have no clue or no shame. Guess what ladies! They aren’t only harming YOU, they’re… Read more »
This is just reinforcing outdated stereotypes. I’m female and I’m nothing like the idea of a woman this article presumes. I don’t non-stop chatter and find rude when people talk over the top of each other. My friends and I do NOT EVER break down in front of each other. I was raised not to cry, ‘make mountains out of molehills’ or ‘air dirty laundry’. Translation: don’t talk about your stuff. I’ve literally broken up a defacto relationship because the guy would non-stop talk about every single thought, may be, might be, could be, feelings that crossed his path .… Read more »
Thank you for the sanity check.
Bastet, so you know how annoying is to read outdated pieces on guys. Frankly there is to much disinformation between the genders. We need to break the gender myths.
Thanks for this article. In her book Men On Strike, Helen Smith touched on some of the points you
made as to why men are giving up on relationships, marriage and even college.
Beautifully written and spot on. I’ve learned that almost all men (including myself) are caring shame and guilt from their life events, especially from events in their childhood. Societal norms say keep it in, don’t share it, don’t acknowledge it – and this becomes a poison that warps our ability to 1) know ourselves and 2) be effective fathers, brothers, spouses, etc. Learning to live authentically is necessary and terrifying and the longer we (as men) wait, the harder it is, and the more damage we cause to those we love. I’d encourage any man wanting to look in the… Read more »
Brene Brown is brilliant and wonderful as hell. I second that recommendation!
You should be easing up because you’re pushing men away to the point where they’re opting out entirely. Men are on the cusp of the kind of liberation that feminism gave women, yet are pretty much society’s scapegoat at the moment. We catch crap from every direction, feminism included, and many of us are so fed up that we’ve just given up on all of it.
Best of luck to society if all the men decide to throw up their hands.
Straight men give up so easily, uh? I can think of many other social groups that also suffered since the dawn of time and they are still trying to win, trying to be better people, etc. Us gay guys catch crap from every direction, and here we are, being good people and trying to make a difference, in general. I guess it is this entitlement for feeling powerful and above everyone else that straight males, even more when it comes to the white ones, have always been conditioned. Even when also being put down. I am sorry for that, but… Read more »
Nice! No safe place for men to speak respectfully about the pain and challenges they face. Can you imagine how you would feel if a man hijacked an article about women’s pain and challenges. Oh wait they do it everyday, must be a vengeance thing.
This is a problem I’ve been facing for a while now. Those of us who DON’T fit into the neat little box and aren’t rabid misogynists like the Voice for Men group.
Every time you try to express the frustration and look for support, you end up with a self-righteous, snarky comment that utterly disrespects you and dismisses you out of hand.
Thanks Supra deluca, for being such a kind and thoughtful soul. Not.
I think the problem comes when people don’t realize how they sound.
As in: re-read the article: the criticism is valid. The only less-than-usual thing was that it came from a woman & not a man.
” I guess it is this entitlement for feeling powerful and above everyone else that straight males, even more when it comes to the white ones, have always been conditioned. Even when also being put down. I am sorry for that, but you guys have to wake up ”
Straight guys are just guys, please stop dehumanizing us.
don`t give up dude, there are a lot of us who want to be supportive and are, to the good guys, but I do know how you feel I catch it form both sides too, one article says women should make the first move, but if you do, you are either a slut or pushy, but every chance I get, I try my very best to be loving and supportive, I am naturally maternal to all my friends, male and female, and yeah, being white, I have taken crap having lived in an all black neighborhood, so I know what… Read more »