Men and Pornography: 10/20

Is porn a good thing?

The editors at elephant journal love and relationships and The Good Men Project are partnering in a submission call on the theme of Men and Pornography. With bestsellling books like “mommy porn” Fifty Shades of Grey and the advent of easy-access online porn, do we need to rethink the role of pornography in our sex lives? Is porn always smut for the desperate? Or did porn save your marriage? Why have you quit using porn? Does feminist porn exist, and do you think it’s hot? And has Fifty Shades spiced up YOUR humdrum sex routine?

Send your submissions to: by Saturday, October 20 for consideration.

Length. 2,000 word maximum. Selected articles will be posted on both elephant journal and The Good Men Project the first week of November.


Read more Calls For Submissions.

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  1. Alternate says:

    I think porn is not a good thing. I had a lot of reasons as to why. One, It does not reflect reality. Most porn scenes include a woman that just suddenly come and have sex with this guy. In a way porn tells men that women are easy to get and just wants sex. That they are always ready to be banged. This portrayal it seems makes men seek women for sex. This could be seen in the increasing engagement on hook-ups, fwb and the like. Unattached sex.

    Of course there is also porn addiction. Of course many had heard about this.

    Porn also decreases a man’s interest for real sex. I had read a man’s word from a forum. He is a womanizer and porn watcher. His words portrays a man who needs to watch porn to incite his libido. That for me is unhealthy. The woman should be enough to incite desire no need for porn. Instead of seeing porn as a problem, men reasoned that porn is good because it brings back their desire for sex… when porn is the reason why they loose the desire for sex in the first place. They are like drug addicts who can’t achieve satisfaction without their drugs.

    I have more objections against porn and it would become a long list.

    I’m trying to stop watching porn and I am having some success. I had been able to go through several days without watching. I sometimes trip up but I’m able to stop sooner and even the video unfinished.

    • “Porn also decreases a man’s interest for real sex. I had read a man’s word from a forum. He is a womanizer and porn watcher. His words portrays a man who needs to watch porn to incite his libido. That for me is unhealthy.”
      For him, yes it seems unhealthy.

      I am a porn watcher and porn makes me desire real sex even more, I am single and haven’t had the best of luck with women but I’d much prefer a real woman to porn. Generalizing about porn is stupid though, it CAN be good and it CAN be bad. You can find a lot of good porn out there, showing real actual sex of real life couples. I’ve even watched a friend have sex with her partner on cam.

      “I’m trying to stop watching porn and I am having some success. I had been able to go through several days without watching. I sometimes trip up but I’m able to stop sooner and even the video unfinished.”
      If you want to stop porn I suggest not stopping masturbation, continue masturbation but try rely on your imagination. If you are in a relationship then you just have sex hopefully and focus your energy on having great sex with your partner, masturbation can still be useful. If you are worried about porn being degrading try to find feminist porn or female-friendly porn, abbywinters is a start. There are plenty of options around to enjoy porn in a satisfying and non-degrading way if you want. Keeping your mind busy will also help avoid arousal being too much of a focus if that is a problem.

      No one NEEDS porn, it’s handy to have if you can handle it but if you can’t then like all other addictions I’d say avoid using it. You can maybe try setup a camera to a tv, using live view you can make your own porn with a partner. You can also take out the memory cards/tapes/etc if you don’t want it recorded and that may help with yours or your partners feelings on the matter.

      I think porn should be used with caution like all other pleasurable activities, even gaming can be addictive and cause issues. It’s up to couples to decide where their limits are and what is acceptable.

  2. Porn is so terribly boring. Real sex is where it’s at. People who have to resort to porn on a regular basis have a problem and need to get over it. Watching porn once in a while, especially with your lover, is no big deal. I think that people who resort to porn frequently are missing out on real life. If’s not a moral issue at all, rather it is an issue of having healthy relationships with other people and sex itself.

    • Devil’s advocate here. Porn is a lot easier. When you masturbate, you only use a hand, whereas with sex, you have to use your whole body. Then there’s the pleasing your partner part. It takes a decent amount of work and awkwardness to figure out what he/she likes and how it fits into what you like. You also don’t get the variety. It’s one vagina, one penis (even with group sex, you only get to see so many). There’s also no risk. No potential for rejection or feelings getting hurt. And more variety. A real partner can’t change her/his hair color, body type, and race every day. Even the freakiest people probably aren’t down with *everything*. I love sex, for example, but I’m not about to do a gang bang.

    • “…..rather it is an issue of having healthy relationships with other people and sex itself.”

      This is the crux of the problem here in America. With the rise of technology, more and more people are lacking in social skills. This creates a problem with them being able to have relationships…..So, many turn to porn and online dating….Sad.

    • Spoken with the privilege of someone who can find a partner in the first place. What about those who find it incredibly difficult to find a partner? Unemployed men with major health problems for instance? Unemployed men are on the bottom rung of attractiveness to women and whilst it’s easy to say get a job we’re also in a terrible time for economies around the world. Should those viewers just get over it if they look at it often without a partner?

  3. There is quite a bit of “female friendly” porn out there, and it’s something I prefer, because it is more sensual in nature, instead of cheap, easy girls getting boned a million different ways.

    • I prefer that too. I like it when there’s at least a semblance of actual pleasure for the female (less putting on a show, more comfortable positions, at least SOME focus on the guy). But the problem is that a lot of female friendly stuff is lesbian. That’s fine sometimes, but not all the time. I realize the straight stuff is out there, but it’s still says something that you have to work to find it.

  4. Hank Vandenburgh says:

    Actually, 80s porn, in particular, is a far cry from today’s mandatory facial ejaculation, mandatory anal porn. It was an order of magnitude more democratic and gender-fair, although it did tend to short cunnilingus. Seventies stuff was a bit cruder, more like stag films.

    • Mandatory? WTF kinda porn do you watch? Most of the stuff I watch has a minority of facials, more so swallowing or spitting out, or shooting somewhere else like the breasts. And very few videos I watch have anal. Even pro porn varies hugely, just depends on what you watch!

      • Hank Vandenburgh says:

        XHamster, which is kind of a cross section, I think, does feature many, many more anals and facials than porn did in the 80s. XHamster posts so frequently that they have a voracious appitite for clips, and I assume that this approaches randomization. There are even a few sensitive tantric clips. Or stuff from the 80s “Golden Age.” It’s very easy to note that rough genre characteristics vary with era. BTW, I don’t regard chest ejaculation as much of an improvement on facial. So called cum shots have never meant much to me.

        • There are heaps of sites, youporn, redtube, I prefer to stick to amateur content or the webcamgirl sites (solo, women in charge of their productions). Even in pro stuff I watch the anals are at best 50% but I do see that some sites feature them more. Facials get boring though I agree, amateur content seems to vary highly on what they do, some swallow, some facial, some on the chest/body, some no where near, some let it just shoot onto the guy himself, quite a few let it go into condom.

          • It sucks that the mainstream stuff 90% of the time looks uncomfortable, dull, fake, and not pleasurable for the woman. I guess it doesn’t need to. It’s a job and made to look good for the camera, not to actually be a source of pleasure.

    • Hank, I have heard other older men say similiar things as you regarding porn and how it’s changed between decades.

    • Was there actually any equal pleasure porn back then? I think with the current ease of access to cameras there are far more videos which are realistic depictions of couples having sex than before when access to cameras was far more restricted n costly. Change isn’t always bad, there are some good things that changed and some bad things.

  5. I think the whole “porn good/porn bad” debate has framed the issue wrong. Porn is a medium, and mediums themselves are neutral–and actually it’s not even a medium unto itself, it’s just film or art ofrliterature depicting the particular activity of sex. So within a culture of misogyny, of course the majority of mainstream porn is going to be misogynist. Nina Power in her book One-Dimensional Woman points out that pornography is also a mode of _work_, and thus can’t be separated from the labour market. As capitalism got nastier and nastier, she believes, so did pornography; the violence and misery of 70s porn is quite different from the vaudeville-ish, sweet, laughing and imperfect porn of 1920s France (the Reilhac collection is apparently like this, I want to see it). When people’s bodies are issued into mass production (plastic surgery trying to make everyone look the same) and they are meant to all function perfectly as well, the sex in mainstream pornography–which in the absence of comprehensive sex ed often acts as an instruction manual–is going to depict people whose bodies are perfect and function perfectly–and with little real pleasure, because sex, like everything else under capitalism, is _work_ that must be done.

  6. the free libyan says:

    i think porn is not a good thing , because since i started watching porn & masturbating , my grades started falling down because i cant concentrate on studying because i think a lot about sex.

  7. I think a bit of virgin-shaming has shifted in the past 10-20 years due to porn. Maybe, back in the day, it was because the man was thought of as a ‘loser.’ I never partook in that. Nowadays, many women, and some men, worry about inexperienced men because they fear that easy access to porn has shaped their needs and expectations. This isn’t true for every man, and I get that most men are smarter than that, but it’s always in the back of my head. If a man has no experience with a real woman, will he understand that real sex can be messy, awkward, silly, and smelly (while still being fun)? That every woman is different in what gives her pleasure and in the way she expresses pleasure? Will he be able to be aroused by me even if I’m not 18 and my vagina doesn’t and never has had the same sensation as his hand? What if I’m poorly lit, bloated, queef, tired, stubbly, cramp, laugh, get too wet, not be able to get in the mood immediately, choke a little, etc. What if something makes me feel uncomfortable or hurts? I have every intention of being good, giving, and game, and I’m very high libido, but these questions always make me nervous prior to first time sex. Will he just go back to porn? Will he find me sub-par or resent me?

    • Unfortunetly from some of my experiences even men that aren’t virgins and are heavily into porn have let their sexuality be shaped by porn. But getting men to see this is really difficult. I don’t think men want to believe they are that easily swayed and programmed because that means they don’t have control of themselves. But porn is a very powerful thing for men and it’s influencing them so rapidly and it’s also starting to get it’s claws in on young girls and women too.

      There are actually studies out there that talk about after watching porn a man is much more negative about his own partner.

      I have many of the same questions too Aya. There are all these crazy expectations you are expected to fulfill now as a woman and they are “normalized”. And if you can’t “fulfill” them then if your boyfriend/husband wants to pretend he is doing the babysitter you also got to pretend this is wonderful and he’s the best man ever because hey, at least he isn’t really banging the babysitter, just pretending he is.

      • “There are actually studies out there that talk about after watching porn a man is much more negative about his own partner.”
        Please link the studies you are referring to. I think you’ll find it’s also that some men, not all were more negative.

  8. Hank Vandenburgh says:

    This probably won’t make me look good. I have a decided tendency to cheat in relationships. But, in my current relationship, I’m monogamous. One way I compensate is by the occasional use of porn. It does seem to preclude the need to get out there, if my partner isn’t into anything more unorthodox. Porn is mostly silly, but there are some films…that aren’t. My own fantasies are pretty good, but they usually involve someone real, and in the past actually have preceeded an involvement with that person. With porn, there’s not that possibility. So I disagree with the MacKinnon-Dworkin position that porn is the imaginative rehearsal for actual sex. It isn’t in my case. I’m aware of the addictive potential of porn, BTW. Also, at my age, porn can actually help performance– but not during the act, of course.

  9. They submissions should include the likes of 50 Shades, as such books are no less pornographic than most online porn videos.

    It’s interesting that women can read that book on the bus or plane with no fanfare or open objection, whereas if a man viewed something similar (where others could not see the content on the page) he would be considered a weirdo, pervert, and he could get arrested for public lewdness.

    • If a woman is reading 50 Shades in public it’s because it’s not really turning her on.

      By the way, I think 50 shades is ridiculous and people need to stop lookin an reading about and discovering it on their own.

      • Not everyone discovers sexuality though, for instance if you grow up hearing blowjobs/going down on a woman is dirty over n over and don’t see much media where it’s shown in a positive light then you may discover it feels good but still feel dirty about it.

        I think people can read/watch sexual material but also experiment n find their own groove.

      • “If a woman is reading 50 Shades in public it’s because it’s not really turning her on.

        How do you know? Men have been found to be viewing porn in public, and not doing anything other than that. Reading 50 Shades of Grey in public no more or less turns women on than videos and pictures turn men on.

        • I love how one book has become an anthem for men for all the videos and pictures men look at to pleasure themselves too. I also love how one book becomes an anthem on why porn is okay.

          I stand by my point that something like 50 shades isn’t pulling the same exact response in women as porn does for men. If a woman is reading it in public she isn’t doing it because she wants to masturbate in public. Men and women are infact different and you can’t do either porn or something like 50 shades justice by trying to pretend that women and men are exactly teh same in how they behave or think even while using different types of mediums.

          No offense but I see problems with both 50 Shades and porn. And I think it’s sad that people seem more interested on reclusively enjoying their personal sexual mediums at an increasingly laughable rate.

          • “Men and women are infact different and you can’t do either porn or something like 50 shades justice by trying to pretend that women and men are exactly teh same in how they behave or think”

            And Erin, i want to ask you, how is women who watch porn are different from men? how about my gf who likes to watch gay porn? How about my gf and many many many other women who aroused and masturbate to porn???

            I dont talk about that 50 SHIT of Grey or something, i talk about mainstream porn, hardcore porn, gay porn that many young women now like…


        • It’s a huge double standard. Books are still seen as more intellectual, and not dirty or depraved like porn is yet they’re both used for stimulation. Why is erotica acceptable in public yet porn isn’t? Is it because you can see the images easy whereas text hides the content unless you’re sitting next to someone and actively reading it?

          • One thought–it’s different because real people are involved in one and not the other. You could see a porn star in a grocery store. You’re not going to see Mr. Grey in a grocery store.

    • Well if the guy next to me on the plane or in the cofee shop is watching porn on his laptop, I’m forced to see it. And that’s gross. I don’t want to see a guy getting a blow job or a woman getting f’ed in the ass while I’m drinking my latte. So that’s really rude to other people. Someone reading a book has no impact on others. That said, personally I wouldn’t read 50 Shades in public. I’d be too embarrassed. Mainly about what it would say about my literary tastes, ha ha. I read 50 Shades and badly written, formulaic and amateurish are the words that come to mind.

      • wellokaythen says:

        Avoiding embarrassment about the book you’re reading is a major reason why so many romance and/or erotica novels are published as “e-books” now. You can read page after page in public and no one sees the cover or the title of the book. They see the back of your laptop or tablet or iPhone, not the half-naked people on a book cover.

  10. Hank Vandenburgh says:

    I think the counterp*orn discourse is just another aspect of sex-negative, third wave femi*nism. I wouldn’t even try to typify women as being more emotional and men more se*xual. As part of “having it all” (or compassionately – from fear,) women have half shut down s*ex since the 70s. All the threads about stuffing things up your a*ss and S*&M are part of the anti-sex here because people are going back to Victorian fetis*hes. P*orn is stupid. True.

    I think we can have Victorian protections, or equality, but not both.

  11. Ohai, Commentrs!

    Gr8 ideaz u all iz having and sharing already! But this not rtickle bout men and pikshurs of puss-z. This iz call for submishuns about rtickles bout men and pikshurs of puss-z. U shud all rite ur ideaz down in rtickles to submit 2 teh GMPcats an den teh other kitties can commentz on dem, 2!


  12. wellokaythen says:

    It’s intriguing that there’s now a suggestion that online porn and erotic literature fit into the same category. I’m still a little up in the air about whether that’s true. Part of me thinks yes, part of me thinks no. Kinda sneaky how the call for submissions just casually grouped them all together….

    I can see a great question for discussion here: is a sexually explicit novel equivalent to an online porn site?

    (Yes, I am using “literature” and “novel” in an extremely broad, literal sense. This is not an aesthetic label, just a technical one.)

    • @wellokaythen, why not write on the subject? I think you can make a good case for their equivalence. From what Dr. Cloke says, women view online porn use as an infidelity because men privilege the physical while women prioritize the felt experience. The same reason women are “meh” about watching a pornographic video (even ones designed to appeal to women) is that they’d be much more turned on by something actually designed to stimulate them (besides a Hitachi magic wand, I mean), which is porn that tickles their senses of who’s related to who, how they feel, and all the other senses that written porn can get into that a vid usually just won’t.

      • I guess women must cheat with The Notebook then 😛

      • you maybe shocked about how many young women this days watching porn too. Well they are not as many as men porn consumers, but the numbers are increasing. I know cause i’m young, 22 years old and i know most of my gf watch porn too, even some of my ex like male gay porn! and i found porn on internet history of my younger sister laptop! It seems to me that older generation of women seems to have different view about porn??

        • Lots of straight women watch gay porn because the men in straight porn look like this:

        • I tried to post a comment with a (SFW, mind you) picture, but it got taken down, so here’s the same content minus the link:

          Straight porn is designed to appeal to straight men, which means most of the time the camera is going to focus on the woman and finding attractive male models is not a high priority. So you end up with a video that is 80% woman and 20% ugly man. Not something straight women would find enjoyable. This of course reinforces the stereotype that women don’t like porn: producers make porn for men, only men buy it, producers assume that means women don’t like any porn, not just that women don’t like that porn.

          Gay porn is made with men in mind (duh), but it sexualizes the male form, so it has more to offer straight women than straight porn does.

        • I think one issue is that in my generation of teens (I’m 45) there was no Internet. we did have VCR’s, which had just come out, but to get porn you had to go to an adult bookstore, which was creepy as hell, and not something any girl in her right mind would consider doing. Also, you had to find a place to watch it without parents around. Which was tough because most families only had one tv in those days, which was in the living room. In college, plenty of guys watched porn on video but it wasn’t something most women wanted to do. It was seen as a guy thing and rather weird and icky. some female friends and I once rented a porno out of curiosity but we just laughed and said “ewwww” all thru it

          • well i remember my first time watching porn too, i’m a guy and my reaction is exactly the same, ewwww, and i even gross out seeing women’s lower part. But after watching so many porn it doesnt gross me out again. Its funny many of young women these days not seeing porn as guy thing only, its just sex thing, and according to my girlfriends, it makes them aroused, not grossed out. I think i’m lucky being in my generation lol. Thanks Internet! ( if you look at free streaming porn site like youporn and pornhub, 40% commenters are women ). And from what i’ve seen , nowadays male pornstars on straight porn are more attractive than on the old days. Now guys like Ron Jeremy wont even be casted, popular male performers like Manuel Ferrara, James Deen, Deryk Price, Kieran Lee are not ugly, they hot. I think its because of so many enhancing drugs like viagra and cialis so every male can be in porn, you just need to be attractive and have nice cock. And its funny some of my gfs dont like the typical for girls porn, like those full of intimacy, kissing, and romantic scene, the more hardcore the more they like. But well this topic is men and pornography so maybe it ruled out possiblity of women liking porn. My girlfriend wont like this lol.

          • That reminds me of a comic who was talking about masturbating before VCR’s came out (I saw this on comedy central or HBO about 6 years ago).

            The comic said that what he did was turn on women’s tennis, turn his chair away from the tv and open a skin magazine so while he perused the skin magazine, he had the backdrop of women grunting and groaning when the tennis women lunged for a shot.

        • I think you’re right John. More younger women are looking at porn. Just like guys, they aren’t immune to the exposure and ease that porn is aquired. The sad thing is that porn is still heavily male domianted with male fantasy. Which means young women are looking at fantasies that hold a limited perspective and expectation about what they should be from a male point of view. Which means they will probably be adopting a more masculine view of what they should be as women during sex and not explore those things for themselves or snuff out the things they want that they will be too inexperienced to ask for in their early dating and sexual experiences.

          • From what I hear many women are watching gay porn (male2male), which isn’t a representation of what straight men want. Women will also seek out whatever they want, there is non-male dominated porn out there, as in porn made by women for women which they can search for. Maybe no one has told them that if they are still young though, when I first started looking at porn is was mainly just one or 2 sites which was mostly pro porn but later I stumbled onto amateur porn and thought “ZOMG finally stuff I really like” and have liked it ever since.

            Women will also be reading magazines and talking to friends n family about sex, why would they be holding a masculine view of sex? Some might but they can easily find female orientated porn if they want. You’re also generalizing about the kinds of fantasies many young women are looking at, how do you know they are looking at the male orientated stuff? I definitely agree some will be and that can shape their sexuality but there are other flavours of porn out there that will shape it differently, and also other mediums and friends/family/their bf’s/gf’s will help to shape it too.

            I get this feeling that you think people that look at porn don’t experiment n explore what they like for themselves….why? Why can’t they be using porn as just one tool for their fantasies and getting info from other places to help them figure out what they like? Hell, porn didn’t give me the majority of what I like with sexuality, it was a mix of everything and largely just my mind’s creativity.

            Porn mainly just gives me visuals and helps me see sex itself, I have a hard time fantasizing about a vulva for instance when I am mentally making a woman in my head or thinking of someone to fantasize about. I find it extremely sexy to see a penis enter a vagina, seeing the labia slide over the penis, trying to imagine the detail leaves me frustrated more than anything when I am also trying to visualize the rest of someone and the setting (eg I fantasize about being with a girlfriend having sex at the beach or something). There is also an element of just seeing a woman naked that stimulates me a lot, something that I can’t get from mental fantasy alone.

            • I am not getting into any more “debates” with you Archy. I would request you stop responding my comments since we can’t exactly be civil to one another. I am sure you will continue to respond to things I say but I see no point in us talking about this subject with one another anymore. Thank you.

              • I’ll do my best, but if I see demonization, broad statements, or stating what males think or like I may still call you out on it as I would for anyone, and hope others will also call me out on the same behaviour.

                • I have used plenty of self control in not responding to a lot of your posts. Please exercise the same self control and control your behavior and comments just like I’ve had to do in regards to you plenty of times.

                • GMP Moderator says:

                  And threads will be moderated for repetition, derailing, and any ad hominem we see.

            • I think a lot of women don’t “get” porn because many women (I know I’m generalizing, but here goes) are somewhat less visual with regards to what stimulates us. Of course, everyone is different, butpersonally I’m not very visual, so I don’t get turned on by seeing body parts. I don’t even need to try to imagine body parts when I’m fantasizing. My fantasies all have a story line of some kind, and that’s what gets me turned on. For me, it is often a taboo situation or something I’d never ever do in real life. Like, having sex with a stranger, or having a threesome with 2 guys (my bf would be totally shocked if I told him about that one!), or something like that. When I think about having sex but I imagine how the man’s penis feels, I don’t think about what it looks like.

              I mentioned in an earlier comment that in my generation of women, we simply had no access to visual sexual images when we hit puberty. Nothing. I fantasized as a teen by reading “boddice ripper” romance novels or just imagining stuff on my own. If I’d had access to online porn, maybe my sexuality would have developed differently. I was certainly curious enough at that age that I would have watched porn if it had been available. But it wasn’t available so I had to just think of things in my head. Of course men of my generation didn’t have online porn either,but they did have Hustler, Penthouse etc.

          • I agree that most mainstream porn now are still male oriented. But the reality is more porn now are created to appeal to female viewer, although the numbers are still small. Straight porn actor now are more good looking than in the past. There are no more fat ugly hairy dudes like ron jeremy again. Derrik Pierce, Manuel Ferrara, James Deen, they are good looking guys ( and believe me, they have many female fans, including my girlfriend. YOu should see James Deen blog and look at all commenters, all are girls ). And from what i hear and read, many female pornstars now have full authority to choose their partner and the sex acts. And more porn now including pussy eating scenes. I think its good progress, because in the past you hardly seen any porn with men do oral to women scenes ( usually its just blowjob+penetration ) now its so common. And the fact is, many mainstream porn directors are women ( elegeant angel studio,,the directors are women ). And there are new genre called feminist porn, with all queer and kinky stuff, they said they make that porn for women ( but my gf prefer straight mainstream porn and gay porn ).

            • If women cannot find porn that has an equal emphasis on each genders pleasure, porn made for women etc then they aren’t looking very hard.

  13. wellokaythen says:

    This 50 Shades of Grey book is getting a lot of air time right now. I happened to be home yesterday watching daytime TV and caught an interview Ellen DeGeneres did on her show with an 8-year-old dinosaur expert. She asked him, “So, I hear you’ve been interested in dinosaurs since you were 2?” He said his mom read him a book about dinosaurs when he was two and that’s what hooked him. She joked, “good thing she didn’t read you 50 Shades of Grey when you were 2.” That got a HUGE laugh from the audience. The boy had no idea what she was talking about. (I’d love to hear his mom’s explanation when he asks her what Ellen was talking about.)

  14. There its a healthy place for non human sexual interaction. Masturbation, which is usually a pat off porn usage, can serve many great functions. I want to push back to you James, flesh to flesh can be denigrated in the same ways porn can. With human interaction though someone else is there and can be very hurt by the experience. I believe what is most important is the person using the porn and the motivation behind is safe when it isn’t hidden and kept in the secret, especially when there OS a relationship involved.i give porn two thumbs up.

  15. I much prefer and value real human interaction. I think that objectifying human experience can take away from the full joy of flesh to flesh real human interaction (ie sex with a real woman). It also changes the way a man responds sexually thus making him less able to please a woman (this is not for all men but definitely true for some). Porn in and of itself can have a healthy place in a man or woman’s life but once again human interaction is preferred in my opinion.

    • yes, but if a guy prefer porn to real interaction on relationship, than the problem is not the porn itself, the problem is in the relationship. I mean what kind of guy dont want cudling, kissing, hugging, make a women laugh, give women pleasure, and prefer to masturbate to porn?? I said thats the kind of guy who have SUCKS relationship. The problem is on the guy ( and their women ), not the porn itself.

      The more i watch porn, the more i crave sex with real women, why? because of course we cant have intimacy and passion , giving and receving pleasures and emotions while watching porn. We have to consider the fact than men needs emotional aspects in sex too, not just physical. Thats why its hard for me to understand stories from women who complain their husband prefer porn than real sex. Maybe its not they prefer porn, but they cant get their emotional aspects of sex ( like affection, feels desired, feels you doing for pleasures not chore ) from real sex, so they rather doing it alone than to have bad sex with their women. Thats why comunication is important. Men are emotional creature too.

      • John, I don’t really think it’s about men prefering real women or porn over the other anymore. I think it’s about porn and real women now being on equal footing for men. Where porn meets one set of needs and then real women meet another and men using both real woman and porn to fullfill those needs. So it’s not that real women are “better” its just that they are “different” . It seems like sex and intimacy is now about parlor tricks and variety then anything else. But that’s just my opinon based on experiences and things I see men say and do.

        • Well I can’t state what the guys you’ve met think, but I’ve never ever heard a guy say or think porn was even remotely close to being equal to being with a woman. It’s always been porn was used when they weren’t getting any love/romance/sex/etc, whether they be single or went months/years without sex in a relationship.

          It makes me laugh hearing about men thinking of porn and women on the same level, everything I know tells me nooooooo wayyyy. Porn is very different but a real woman is much much better. Similar arguments could be made though for a vibrator vs a man, which is better for women?

        • I dont know what other guys think, but to me sex is really intimate and emotional moment, and that moment cannot replace by porn at all. Porn is just masturbatory tools, and masturbation is not really sex, because its not an intimate, passionate, and emotional moment between two ( or more ) lovers. Masturbation is simply rubbing yourself to feel good, and as far as i know, women also masturbate. So yes, to me porn and real sex is different, because for me, masturbate to porn is not sex, its just masturbation.

          What you said maybe true, if only men is not emotional creatures and they just crave physical pleasure from sex, and if its true than maybe what you said is true, about for men sex is just variety and parlor tricks. But i know for me its not.

          But really, do you think men is not emotional creatures like women? And do you think when men have sex its about physical pleasures and fulfilling ego ? Its all about fuck every women on the streets? If you think of men like that, its no wonder you have an opinion like that

          • John, I think men are very emotional creatures capable of a lot of feeling and depth. Just as much as women are and sometimes more than women depending on the subject and point of view. That just doesn’t mean that men don’t use both porn and real women interchangeably to ultimately fulfill themselves sexually. Porn is simply a way bigger part of men’s lives in this decade. That’s the reality fueled by a post-internet and i-phone world. We live in a world where men have much more access to pornography and they are exercising that access by indulging in more porn.

            I don’t say these things to take a swipe at men. I don’t say these things to insinuate that men don’t have a great depth of feeling. I don’t say these things to say that men don’t love their partners. But I do see a trend in male sexuality where pornography and real woman get used intermittently depending on how he feels in the moment. I say this because that seems to sincerely be the truth to me.

          • Alternate says:

            Do you have a wife? That is your sex life is restricted to a single woman. You will find that porn would be problematic in this situation. One thing is that porn would reduce or even kill your desire for your wife. Your sex life seems to be a promiscuous one. You could easily replace a girl with another. But if your married, that is not the case. And I know, porn kills men’s sexual interest for their wives.

            You could even try it. That is, see how long your interest for a woman would stay when you watch porn. Refrain yourself to having sex to only one woman, that is a monogamous situation. Probably your libido would die quickly that you can’t even get an erection from the said woman.

            • SOME men, jesus, what’s with the generalizations here? It CAN kill interest but won’t do it in all men. Hell having another female friend that he gets the hots for can kill a man’s sexual interest in his wife, doesn’t mean all female friends will do that to all men….

  16. Hopefully it won’t just be 1 positive and 9 negative pieces attacking porn which seems to be common these days online. Shaming over porn usage is a great way to get men (and women) to keep quiet.

    • Hey Archy: there’s a solution to this. Write something positive. I’ll make sure it’s not alone.

    • Quadruple A says:

      The funny thing is that I see the opposite. In fact it seems like practically every other feminist that publishes on the internet goes out of her way to say how pro-sex and how pro-porn they are. has Tracy Clark Flory who of course is pro-porn and even this site has its pro-porn feminist contingent.

      They aren’t always consistent which kind of annoys me. Sometimes they can be “pro-slut” walk but also against men coming on to said “sluts”.

      • We should merge our reading lists to neutralize! 😛 Maybe I see mostly the negative articles about porn on here, the majority I’ve seen seem to be about porn addiction, etc. Wonder if the RSS feed misses any stories?


  1. […] These are comments by John, Hank Vandenburgh, and Garrett A. Brown on the post “Men and Pornography: 10/20“. […]

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