Is porn a good thing?
The editors at elephant journal love and relationships and The Good Men Project are partnering in a submission call on the theme of Men and Pornography. With bestsellling books like “mommy porn” Fifty Shades of Grey and the advent of easy-access online porn, do we need to rethink the role of pornography in our sex lives? Is porn always smut for the desperate? Or did porn save your marriage? Why have you quit using porn? Does feminist porn exist, and do you think it’s hot? And has Fifty Shades spiced up YOUR humdrum sex routine?
Send your submissions to: [email protected] by Saturday, October 20 for consideration.
Length. 2,000 word maximum. Selected articles will be posted on both elephant journal and The Good Men Project the first week of November.
Read more Calls For Submissions.
Image of man on laptop courtesy of Shutterstock
I think porn is not a good thing. I had a lot of reasons as to why. One, It does not reflect reality. Most porn scenes include a woman that just suddenly come and have sex with this guy. In a way porn tells men that women are easy to get and just wants sex. That they are always ready to be banged. This portrayal it seems makes men seek women for sex. This could be seen in the increasing engagement on hook-ups, fwb and the like. Unattached sex. Of course there is also porn addiction. Of course many had… Read more »
“Porn also decreases a man’s interest for real sex. I had read a man’s word from a forum. He is a womanizer and porn watcher. His words portrays a man who needs to watch porn to incite his libido. That for me is unhealthy.” For him, yes it seems unhealthy. I am a porn watcher and porn makes me desire real sex even more, I am single and haven’t had the best of luck with women but I’d much prefer a real woman to porn. Generalizing about porn is stupid though, it CAN be good and it CAN be bad.… Read more »
Porn is so terribly boring. Real sex is where it’s at. People who have to resort to porn on a regular basis have a problem and need to get over it. Watching porn once in a while, especially with your lover, is no big deal. I think that people who resort to porn frequently are missing out on real life. If’s not a moral issue at all, rather it is an issue of having healthy relationships with other people and sex itself.
Devil’s advocate here. Porn is a lot easier. When you masturbate, you only use a hand, whereas with sex, you have to use your whole body. Then there’s the pleasing your partner part. It takes a decent amount of work and awkwardness to figure out what he/she likes and how it fits into what you like. You also don’t get the variety. It’s one vagina, one penis (even with group sex, you only get to see so many). There’s also no risk. No potential for rejection or feelings getting hurt. And more variety. A real partner can’t change her/his hair… Read more »
“…..rather it is an issue of having healthy relationships with other people and sex itself.”
This is the crux of the problem here in America. With the rise of technology, more and more people are lacking in social skills. This creates a problem with them being able to have relationships…..So, many turn to porn and online dating….Sad.
Spoken with the privilege of someone who can find a partner in the first place. What about those who find it incredibly difficult to find a partner? Unemployed men with major health problems for instance? Unemployed men are on the bottom rung of attractiveness to women and whilst it’s easy to say get a job we’re also in a terrible time for economies around the world. Should those viewers just get over it if they look at it often without a partner?
There is quite a bit of “female friendly” porn out there, and it’s something I prefer, because it is more sensual in nature, instead of cheap, easy girls getting boned a million different ways.
I prefer that too. I like it when there’s at least a semblance of actual pleasure for the female (less putting on a show, more comfortable positions, at least SOME focus on the guy). But the problem is that a lot of female friendly stuff is lesbian. That’s fine sometimes, but not all the time. I realize the straight stuff is out there, but it’s still says something that you have to work to find it.
Actually, 80s porn, in particular, is a far cry from today’s mandatory facial ejaculation, mandatory anal porn. It was an order of magnitude more democratic and gender-fair, although it did tend to short cunnilingus. Seventies stuff was a bit cruder, more like stag films.
Mandatory? WTF kinda porn do you watch? Most of the stuff I watch has a minority of facials, more so swallowing or spitting out, or shooting somewhere else like the breasts. And very few videos I watch have anal. Even pro porn varies hugely, just depends on what you watch!
XHamster, which is kind of a cross section, I think, does feature many, many more anals and facials than porn did in the 80s. XHamster posts so frequently that they have a voracious appitite for clips, and I assume that this approaches randomization. There are even a few sensitive tantric clips. Or stuff from the 80s “Golden Age.” It’s very easy to note that rough genre characteristics vary with era. BTW, I don’t regard chest ejaculation as much of an improvement on facial. So called cum shots have never meant much to me.
There are heaps of sites, youporn, redtube, I prefer to stick to amateur content or the webcamgirl sites (solo, women in charge of their productions). Even in pro stuff I watch the anals are at best 50% but I do see that some sites feature them more. Facials get boring though I agree, amateur content seems to vary highly on what they do, some swallow, some facial, some on the chest/body, some no where near, some let it just shoot onto the guy himself, quite a few let it go into condom.
It sucks that the mainstream stuff 90% of the time looks uncomfortable, dull, fake, and not pleasurable for the woman. I guess it doesn’t need to. It’s a job and made to look good for the camera, not to actually be a source of pleasure.
Hank, I have heard other older men say similiar things as you regarding porn and how it’s changed between decades.
Was there actually any equal pleasure porn back then? I think with the current ease of access to cameras there are far more videos which are realistic depictions of couples having sex than before when access to cameras was far more restricted n costly. Change isn’t always bad, there are some good things that changed and some bad things.
I think the whole “porn good/porn bad” debate has framed the issue wrong. Porn is a medium, and mediums themselves are neutral–and actually it’s not even a medium unto itself, it’s just film or art ofrliterature depicting the particular activity of sex. So within a culture of misogyny, of course the majority of mainstream porn is going to be misogynist. Nina Power in her book One-Dimensional Woman points out that pornography is also a mode of _work_, and thus can’t be separated from the labour market. As capitalism got nastier and nastier, she believes, so did pornography; the violence and… Read more »
i think porn is not a good thing , because since i started watching porn & masturbating , my grades started falling down because i cant concentrate on studying because i think a lot about sex.
I think a bit of virgin-shaming has shifted in the past 10-20 years due to porn. Maybe, back in the day, it was because the man was thought of as a ‘loser.’ I never partook in that. Nowadays, many women, and some men, worry about inexperienced men because they fear that easy access to porn has shaped their needs and expectations. This isn’t true for every man, and I get that most men are smarter than that, but it’s always in the back of my head. If a man has no experience with a real woman, will he understand that… Read more »
Unfortunetly from some of my experiences even men that aren’t virgins and are heavily into porn have let their sexuality be shaped by porn. But getting men to see this is really difficult. I don’t think men want to believe they are that easily swayed and programmed because that means they don’t have control of themselves. But porn is a very powerful thing for men and it’s influencing them so rapidly and it’s also starting to get it’s claws in on young girls and women too. There are actually studies out there that talk about after watching porn a man… Read more »
“There are actually studies out there that talk about after watching porn a man is much more negative about his own partner.”
Please link the studies you are referring to. I think you’ll find it’s also that some men, not all were more negative.
This probably won’t make me look good. I have a decided tendency to cheat in relationships. But, in my current relationship, I’m monogamous. One way I compensate is by the occasional use of porn. It does seem to preclude the need to get out there, if my partner isn’t into anything more unorthodox. Porn is mostly silly, but there are some films…that aren’t. My own fantasies are pretty good, but they usually involve someone real, and in the past actually have preceeded an involvement with that person. With porn, there’s not that possibility. So I disagree with the MacKinnon-Dworkin position… Read more »
They submissions should include the likes of 50 Shades, as such books are no less pornographic than most online porn videos.
It’s interesting that women can read that book on the bus or plane with no fanfare or open objection, whereas if a man viewed something similar (where others could not see the content on the page) he would be considered a weirdo, pervert, and he could get arrested for public lewdness.
If a woman is reading 50 Shades in public it’s because it’s not really turning her on.
By the way, I think 50 shades is ridiculous and people need to stop lookin an reading about and discovering it on their own.
Not everyone discovers sexuality though, for instance if you grow up hearing blowjobs/going down on a woman is dirty over n over and don’t see much media where it’s shown in a positive light then you may discover it feels good but still feel dirty about it.
I think people can read/watch sexual material but also experiment n find their own groove.
“If a woman is reading 50 Shades in public it’s because it’s not really turning her on.
How do you know? Men have been found to be viewing porn in public, and not doing anything other than that. Reading 50 Shades of Grey in public no more or less turns women on than videos and pictures turn men on.
I love how one book has become an anthem for men for all the videos and pictures men look at to pleasure themselves too. I also love how one book becomes an anthem on why porn is okay. I stand by my point that something like 50 shades isn’t pulling the same exact response in women as porn does for men. If a woman is reading it in public she isn’t doing it because she wants to masturbate in public. Men and women are infact different and you can’t do either porn or something like 50 shades justice by trying… Read more »
“Men and women are infact different and you can’t do either porn or something like 50 shades justice by trying to pretend that women and men are exactly teh same in how they behave or think” And Erin, i want to ask you, how is women who watch porn are different from men? how about my gf who likes to watch gay porn? How about my gf and many many many other women who aroused and masturbate to porn??? I dont talk about that 50 SHIT of Grey or something, i talk about mainstream porn, hardcore porn, gay porn that… Read more »
It’s a huge double standard. Books are still seen as more intellectual, and not dirty or depraved like porn is yet they’re both used for stimulation. Why is erotica acceptable in public yet porn isn’t? Is it because you can see the images easy whereas text hides the content unless you’re sitting next to someone and actively reading it?
One thought–it’s different because real people are involved in one and not the other. You could see a porn star in a grocery store. You’re not going to see Mr. Grey in a grocery store.
Well if the guy next to me on the plane or in the cofee shop is watching porn on his laptop, I’m forced to see it. And that’s gross. I don’t want to see a guy getting a blow job or a woman getting f’ed in the ass while I’m drinking my latte. So that’s really rude to other people. Someone reading a book has no impact on others. That said, personally I wouldn’t read 50 Shades in public. I’d be too embarrassed. Mainly about what it would say about my literary tastes, ha ha. I read 50 Shades and… Read more »
Avoiding embarrassment about the book you’re reading is a major reason why so many romance and/or erotica novels are published as “e-books” now. You can read page after page in public and no one sees the cover or the title of the book. They see the back of your laptop or tablet or iPhone, not the half-naked people on a book cover.
I think the counterp*orn discourse is just another aspect of sex-negative, third wave femi*nism. I wouldn’t even try to typify women as being more emotional and men more se*xual. As part of “having it all” (or compassionately – from fear,) women have half shut down s*ex since the 70s. All the threads about stuffing things up your a*ss and S*&M are part of the anti-sex here because people are going back to Victorian fetis*hes. P*orn is stupid. True.
I think we can have Victorian protections, or equality, but not both.
Ohai, Commentrs!
Gr8 ideaz u all iz having and sharing already! But this not rtickle bout men and pikshurs of puss-z. This iz call for submishuns about rtickles bout men and pikshurs of puss-z. U shud all rite ur ideaz down in rtickles to submit 2 teh GMPcats an den teh other kitties can commentz on dem, 2!
kthxbai
That idea is so gr8 it’s gr9.
It’s intriguing that there’s now a suggestion that online porn and erotic literature fit into the same category. I’m still a little up in the air about whether that’s true. Part of me thinks yes, part of me thinks no. Kinda sneaky how the call for submissions just casually grouped them all together….
I can see a great question for discussion here: is a sexually explicit novel equivalent to an online porn site?
(Yes, I am using “literature” and “novel” in an extremely broad, literal sense. This is not an aesthetic label, just a technical one.)
@wellokaythen, why not write on the subject? I think you can make a good case for their equivalence. From what Dr. Cloke says, women view online porn use as an infidelity because men privilege the physical while women prioritize the felt experience. The same reason women are “meh” about watching a pornographic video (even ones designed to appeal to women) is that they’d be much more turned on by something actually designed to stimulate them (besides a Hitachi magic wand, I mean), which is porn that tickles their senses of who’s related to who, how they feel, and all the… Read more »
I guess women must cheat with The Notebook then 😛
you maybe shocked about how many young women this days watching porn too. Well they are not as many as men porn consumers, but the numbers are increasing. I know cause i’m young, 22 years old and i know most of my gf watch porn too, even some of my ex like male gay porn! and i found porn on internet history of my younger sister laptop! It seems to me that older generation of women seems to have different view about porn??
Lots of straight women watch gay porn because the men in straight porn look like this:
I tried to post a comment with a (SFW, mind you) picture, but it got taken down, so here’s the same content minus the link: Straight porn is designed to appeal to straight men, which means most of the time the camera is going to focus on the woman and finding attractive male models is not a high priority. So you end up with a video that is 80% woman and 20% ugly man. Not something straight women would find enjoyable. This of course reinforces the stereotype that women don’t like porn: producers make porn for men, only men buy… Read more »
I think one issue is that in my generation of teens (I’m 45) there was no Internet. we did have VCR’s, which had just come out, but to get porn you had to go to an adult bookstore, which was creepy as hell, and not something any girl in her right mind would consider doing. Also, you had to find a place to watch it without parents around. Which was tough because most families only had one tv in those days, which was in the living room. In college, plenty of guys watched porn on video but it wasn’t something… Read more »
well i remember my first time watching porn too, i’m a guy and my reaction is exactly the same, ewwww, and i even gross out seeing women’s lower part. But after watching so many porn it doesnt gross me out again. Its funny many of young women these days not seeing porn as guy thing only, its just sex thing, and according to my girlfriends, it makes them aroused, not grossed out. I think i’m lucky being in my generation lol. Thanks Internet! ( if you look at free streaming porn site like youporn and pornhub, 40% commenters are women… Read more »
That reminds me of a comic who was talking about masturbating before VCR’s came out (I saw this on comedy central or HBO about 6 years ago).
The comic said that what he did was turn on women’s tennis, turn his chair away from the tv and open a skin magazine so while he perused the skin magazine, he had the backdrop of women grunting and groaning when the tennis women lunged for a shot.
I think you’re right John. More younger women are looking at porn. Just like guys, they aren’t immune to the exposure and ease that porn is aquired. The sad thing is that porn is still heavily male domianted with male fantasy. Which means young women are looking at fantasies that hold a limited perspective and expectation about what they should be from a male point of view. Which means they will probably be adopting a more masculine view of what they should be as women during sex and not explore those things for themselves or snuff out the things they… Read more »
From what I hear many women are watching gay porn (male2male), which isn’t a representation of what straight men want. Women will also seek out whatever they want, there is non-male dominated porn out there, as in porn made by women for women which they can search for. Maybe no one has told them that if they are still young though, when I first started looking at porn is was mainly just one or 2 sites which was mostly pro porn but later I stumbled onto amateur porn and thought “ZOMG finally stuff I really like” and have liked it… Read more »
I am not getting into any more “debates” with you Archy. I would request you stop responding my comments since we can’t exactly be civil to one another. I am sure you will continue to respond to things I say but I see no point in us talking about this subject with one another anymore. Thank you.
I’ll do my best, but if I see demonization, broad statements, or stating what males think or like I may still call you out on it as I would for anyone, and hope others will also call me out on the same behaviour.
I have used plenty of self control in not responding to a lot of your posts. Please exercise the same self control and control your behavior and comments just like I’ve had to do in regards to you plenty of times.
And threads will be moderated for repetition, derailing, and any ad hominem we see.
I think a lot of women don’t “get” porn because many women (I know I’m generalizing, but here goes) are somewhat less visual with regards to what stimulates us. Of course, everyone is different, butpersonally I’m not very visual, so I don’t get turned on by seeing body parts. I don’t even need to try to imagine body parts when I’m fantasizing. My fantasies all have a story line of some kind, and that’s what gets me turned on. For me, it is often a taboo situation or something I’d never ever do in real life. Like, having sex with… Read more »
I agree that most mainstream porn now are still male oriented. But the reality is more porn now are created to appeal to female viewer, although the numbers are still small. Straight porn actor now are more good looking than in the past. There are no more fat ugly hairy dudes like ron jeremy again. Derrik Pierce, Manuel Ferrara, James Deen, they are good looking guys ( and believe me, they have many female fans, including my girlfriend. YOu should see James Deen blog and look at all commenters, all are girls ). And from what i hear and read,… Read more »
If women cannot find porn that has an equal emphasis on each genders pleasure, porn made for women etc then they aren’t looking very hard.
This 50 Shades of Grey book is getting a lot of air time right now. I happened to be home yesterday watching daytime TV and caught an interview Ellen DeGeneres did on her show with an 8-year-old dinosaur expert. She asked him, “So, I hear you’ve been interested in dinosaurs since you were 2?” He said his mom read him a book about dinosaurs when he was two and that’s what hooked him. She joked, “good thing she didn’t read you 50 Shades of Grey when you were 2.” That got a HUGE laugh from the audience. The boy had… Read more »
There its a healthy place for non human sexual interaction. Masturbation, which is usually a pat off porn usage, can serve many great functions. I want to push back to you James, flesh to flesh can be denigrated in the same ways porn can. With human interaction though someone else is there and can be very hurt by the experience. I believe what is most important is the person using the porn and the motivation behind it.porn is safe when it isn’t hidden and kept in the secret, especially when there OS a relationship involved.i give porn two thumbs up.
I much prefer and value real human interaction. I think that objectifying human experience can take away from the full joy of flesh to flesh real human interaction (ie sex with a real woman). It also changes the way a man responds sexually thus making him less able to please a woman (this is not for all men but definitely true for some). Porn in and of itself can have a healthy place in a man or woman’s life but once again human interaction is preferred in my opinion.
yes, but if a guy prefer porn to real interaction on relationship, than the problem is not the porn itself, the problem is in the relationship. I mean what kind of guy dont want cudling, kissing, hugging, make a women laugh, give women pleasure, and prefer to masturbate to porn?? I said thats the kind of guy who have SUCKS relationship. The problem is on the guy ( and their women ), not the porn itself. The more i watch porn, the more i crave sex with real women, why? because of course we cant have intimacy and passion ,… Read more »
John, I don’t really think it’s about men prefering real women or porn over the other anymore. I think it’s about porn and real women now being on equal footing for men. Where porn meets one set of needs and then real women meet another and men using both real woman and porn to fullfill those needs. So it’s not that real women are “better” its just that they are “different” . It seems like sex and intimacy is now about parlor tricks and variety then anything else. But that’s just my opinon based on experiences and things I see… Read more »
Well I can’t state what the guys you’ve met think, but I’ve never ever heard a guy say or think porn was even remotely close to being equal to being with a woman. It’s always been porn was used when they weren’t getting any love/romance/sex/etc, whether they be single or went months/years without sex in a relationship. It makes me laugh hearing about men thinking of porn and women on the same level, everything I know tells me nooooooo wayyyy. Porn is very different but a real woman is much much better. Similar arguments could be made though for a… Read more »
I dont know what other guys think, but to me sex is really intimate and emotional moment, and that moment cannot replace by porn at all. Porn is just masturbatory tools, and masturbation is not really sex, because its not an intimate, passionate, and emotional moment between two ( or more ) lovers. Masturbation is simply rubbing yourself to feel good, and as far as i know, women also masturbate. So yes, to me porn and real sex is different, because for me, masturbate to porn is not sex, its just masturbation. What you said maybe true, if only men… Read more »
John, I think men are very emotional creatures capable of a lot of feeling and depth. Just as much as women are and sometimes more than women depending on the subject and point of view. That just doesn’t mean that men don’t use both porn and real women interchangeably to ultimately fulfill themselves sexually. Porn is simply a way bigger part of men’s lives in this decade. That’s the reality fueled by a post-internet and i-phone world. We live in a world where men have much more access to pornography and they are exercising that access by indulging in more… Read more »
Do you have a wife? That is your sex life is restricted to a single woman. You will find that porn would be problematic in this situation. One thing is that porn would reduce or even kill your desire for your wife. Your sex life seems to be a promiscuous one. You could easily replace a girl with another. But if your married, that is not the case. And I know, porn kills men’s sexual interest for their wives. You could even try it. That is, see how long your interest for a woman would stay when you watch porn.… Read more »
SOME men, jesus, what’s with the generalizations here? It CAN kill interest but won’t do it in all men. Hell having another female friend that he gets the hots for can kill a man’s sexual interest in his wife, doesn’t mean all female friends will do that to all men….
Hopefully it won’t just be 1 positive and 9 negative pieces attacking porn which seems to be common these days online. Shaming over porn usage is a great way to get men (and women) to keep quiet.
Hey Archy: there’s a solution to this. Write something positive. I’ll make sure it’s not alone.
2000 words eh, I’ll put it in my calender and try do a submission 😀
Suggested title: “[n] Reasons to Use Porn (That Aren’t “Because I’m Addicted to Porn”)
Haha yes!
The funny thing is that I see the opposite. In fact it seems like practically every other feminist that publishes on the internet goes out of her way to say how pro-sex and how pro-porn they are.
Salon.com has Tracy Clark Flory who of course is pro-porn and even this site has its pro-porn feminist contingent.
They aren’t always consistent which kind of annoys me. Sometimes they can be “pro-slut” walk but also against men coming on to said “sluts”.
We should merge our reading lists to neutralize! 😛 Maybe I see mostly the negative articles about porn on here, the majority I’ve seen seem to be about porn addiction, etc. Wonder if the RSS feed misses any stories?