Editor’s Note: Based on some readers comments, MBCowan will be revising and expanding on some parts of this post. Thank you for the ongoing dialogue about this important topic.
Pedophiles have few, if any, adult friends or adult interests.
The majority of their time is with children, often to the neglect of their own family. They work with children, volunteer with children, teach child bible classes and take phone calls at home from children. They have minimal interaction with adults.
They have the same toys as the kids on the block, display swing-sets, theme parks and other lures, and are knowledgeable on g-rated movies, Saturday shows and kid stars. They welcome children into their home and refer to them as “little friends.”
They sexualize children and make inappropriate comments about children and to children.
They tell children how mature they are and treat them far beyond their years in offering them alcohol, tobacco, adult magazines, nudity and such, all towards making them a victim.
They believe that molesting can be soft, gentle and loving. That the child wants sex with them and enjoys it, that sex with a child is love. They give examples of other cultures and ancient times, anything to justify their twisted thoughts and distorted beliefs.
Called “grooming”, the offender treats the child like a girlfriend with an inappropriate showering of gifts, attention and affection to make the child feel obligated and guilty if he or she says “no.” The offender later justifies his abusing the child by a sense of entitlement: “Look at what I did for her! She owes me!” Grooming with attention is a powerful manipulation with children starved for affection.
Offers to baby-sit, drive them to school, take them to parks and weekend camping are efforts to separate the child and molest them.
Their “pretend normal” behavior is a mask to deceive others into thinking they are good guys, pillars of the community. Coaches who “horseplay”, grandfathers who sit their teen-aged grand-daughter on their laps, singers who build theme parks and share their bed with children, religious leaders who counsel children and boy scout leaders on weekend trips, dad and uncle, grandpa and cousins, and aunts, mothers, grandma and all, the list goes on.
Right in front of you, it all seems so darned innocent, yet, you feel sick at your stomach because you know what is really going on but are afraid to confront it.
Beware the “Religiose.” Pedophiles hide well in religious settings, believing they are superior and immune from suspicion because they can quote scriptures. They also believe they are “forgiven” for abusing children.
When you have the urge to vomit, are repulsed by someone without reason, feel a deep shame at witnessing something, feel a dread, go with it. Honor it. Keep your children away from it.
Should your child take a dislike to someone or refuse to go somewhere, there may be good reason. Talking about it and respecting your child’s feelings gives her strong boundaries and may be life-saving.
When the offender is in the home, as often the case, look for avoidance of intimacy, lack of communication with you and inappropriate affection to your child. The key is your child’s change in behavior.
IF your child comes to you and tells you someone touched her, believe her. You are her only hope.
Caveat: not every person who likes children, interacts in healthy ways and enjoys their company is an offender! Consider these red flags carefully and in context along with everything else. Do not make assumptions or jump to conclusions!
Interesting article, but scary as hell. I just posted today on how to empower our children to survive in this scary world. Please read and share: http://theycallmemummy.com/2012/08/10/a-monster-tale
I would make a distinction here that is very rarely made. I’ll do so at the risk of being branded all sorts of nasty things. There is a difference between feeling sexual attraction towards children and being an abuser of children. There’s a difference between pedophilia as desires and as behavior. The word “pedophile” is frequently used to refer to both of these things, as if there’s no difference between the desire and the action, as if pedophiles really cannot stop themselves so their desires alone are dangerous to the public. In fact, there are people who experience sexual desire… Read more »
Well okay then – well written and appreciated. Good information about these with sexual thoughts non-acting on them. Fleeting thoughts, a moments glance are not considered pedophilia. Most people have weird thoughts at times and dismiss them. When those sexual thoughts towards children become intrusive, obsessive and troublesome, it is time to get some help. No law is violated by thoughts. And if an individual gets help for unwanted, intrusive and bothersome thoughts it may prevent them acting on those thoughts and relieve them of them. Taking a child across a state line is legal. Taking a child across a… Read more »
Why is it we are all concerned about the rights of an abuser WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN, error on the side of caution i say
I don’t know if adult women having sexual relationships with almost-puberty/recent-puberty boys (11-13 years) is what you mean by pedophilia. If it is, be careful. This phenomenon manifests itself very differently from what you outline in your well intentioned article. For example, the seduction of almost/recent puberty boys by adult women does not involve perpetrators who are uncomfortable with their peers. On the countrary, this crime involves the active participation and knowledge of guardians (especially mothers) and occurs in the open, or almost in the open. The perpetrators are friendly with, and act with theknowlege of, one of the child’s… Read more »
A simple rule for parents: Your child will never be victimized by someone you don’t trust. Its the guy or gal whom you fully trust who brings dreadful surprise to your life.
I should be appalled at the sheer insensitivity of your article, but I guess I am used to it. Here is how you are wrong. From a Man’s Perspective: 1) You imply that all Pedophiles are men. You use “he or she” the turn around and specify gender lines in other areas. • “The offender later justifies his abusing the child by a sense of entitlement…” 2) You imply that all victims are little girls. Just like #1 you have some parts addressing both, which is then polluted by things like : • “IF your child comes to you and… Read more »
Well done for coming out and saying that. And well done for not acting on your feelings.
All pedophiles should be castrated period, man or woman it is a sick society that does not protect our children F$*& the rights of pedophiles in my opinion they have no rights, to take the innocence of a child is a horrendous crime, no sympathy here
Dear Readers- I have taken to heart what you are saying and after giving some thought to it I agree.
The article is overly generalized and could be harmful by its implications which I failed to qualify.
I am grateful to you for your feedback. and am working on some revisions.
MBCowan
Jon, how is that so? Many of the things I point out are valid. I understand this topic can be difficult, and it needs to be discussed.
MBCowan
I am grateful for what you are trying to do. It is a thankless mission at the best of times. I suggest that you will be more effective if you work hard to separate your own experiences from the underlying reality. One manifestation of a phenomenon can be a wonderful motivator, but may leave you with an unreasonable “emotional” conviction about what what the problem “really” is. I have suspect that male victims of female sexual abuse suffer less than female victims of male sexual abuse — but I also believe that there are more male victims of women, than… Read more »
“singers who build theme parks and share their bed with children”
Wow, way to take a cheap shot at a dead guy.
Good grief, this isn’t just wrong, it’s actively dangerous. Oh no, Uncle Jim couldn’t be a child abuser, he has loads of adult friends and doesn’t do any volunteering with children. It says so on the GMP… He’ll be fine to take the kids camping… Seriously, author, you must know that any attempt to provide a nice neat profile of a child abuser is incredibly bad practice. It lulls people into false sense of security over people who might be a risk but don’t fit the profille, and places an unfair spotlight on those who fit the bill but aren’t… Read more »
AllyF, Isolated from the stories which give in depth focus on these red flags, they appear stark. And as I said in my caveat, they must be taken into consideration with many other factors. These are flags, not indictments! Not all offenders will display these signs, and many will. My intent was to raise awareness of certain features which are prevalent in many offenders. I also suggest one follow a gut feeling as subjective as that may be.
Thanks for taking time to comment.
mbcowan
Marcus, well written! I concur that offenders blend in with others. I also agree that healthy interaction with children is a positive experience and should continue. Your interaction with children sounds positive. The “red flags” must be taken in context. My intent and hope is to prevent abuse. After it happens is too late, so if we become aware of certain traits, tells and behaviors, and recognize the absence of other behaviors that balance these, maybe we can be cautious. Healthy men have adult lives aside from their time with children. Predators usually do not. That is the key. It… Read more »
Caveat: not every person who likes children, interacts in healthy ways and enjoys their company is an offender! Consider these red flags carefully and in context along with everything else. Do not make assumptions or jump to conclusions! I was trying to figure out why this article didn’t ring true to me, and I think it comes down to these “red flags”. In the list of behaviors you describe, most of the bad stuff, the real “sex offender” stuff, occurs out of sight, which means it usually can’t be spotted and prevented in advance, which would be the goal of… Read more »
Typhon, thank you for mentioning this. I did state in my article “aunts, mothers, grandma and all, the list goes on.” Female offenders seem to fade away somehow and I thank you for bringing this out stronger. And certainly little boys are victims of women. This again, needs to be repeated. So often boys are told how lucky they are to have had a sexual experience at age 6. The suffering we experience because of that “sexual encounter” read rape or molest, is not what we wanted at all. I recently met a man who shared with me he had… Read more »
And, remember kids! Pedophiles are always male!
So if little Billy lies about being felt up by Aunt Pedophilia, be sure to remind him of that!
Oh yeah, and boys can’t be victims either.
My ex-abuser, seemed like a very upright, well-respected man, who was in charge at work and brilliant in his particular field…he would give talks and interact with other experts at his level and teach small groups in his subject….he made jokes easily and seemed quite at ease in different arenas… And yet, that’s true about him….he had few, if any, real friends….he was estranged from his own family, even though they all lived in the same house together…even though his brother’s family lived on the same street….even though his parents lived close by….He was raised a strict Catholic and yet… Read more »
Sex abuse is NOT about sex. Along with immediate gratification, It is about power and control so as you became more autonomous he became more controlling, desperate and suffocating. Isolation is a large factor with offenders as they struggle with intimacy and interpersonal relationships. Part of the offender’s charm at work is the “pretend normal” cycle. The more we can bring this subject into the open, the more everyone can heal. One thing I did not include and will mention now, the victim is an object to the offender. The abuse is not personal. Regardless of what the offender tells… Read more »
“Pedophiles have few, if any, adult friends or adult interests.”
Really? You’re going to embrace a stereotype as fact? Not even stating that this is often not the case? This whole article is a dangerous exorcise in misinformation – the only piece of it worth anything is telling you to listen to your child.
While reading this I kept waiting for the punch line. I thought maybe it was satire or irony. Instead it is just a very ignorant and narrow-minded stereotypical portrayal.