Editor’s Note: Based on some readers comments, MBCowan will be revising and expanding on some parts of this post. Thank you for the ongoing dialogue about this important topic.
Pedophiles have few, if any, adult friends or adult interests.
The majority of their time is with children, often to the neglect of their own family. They work with children, volunteer with children, teach child bible classes and take phone calls at home from children. They have minimal interaction with adults.
They have the same toys as the kids on the block, display swing-sets, theme parks and other lures, and are knowledgeable on g-rated movies, Saturday shows and kid stars. They welcome children into their home and refer to them as “little friends.”
They sexualize children and make inappropriate comments about children and to children.
They tell children how mature they are and treat them far beyond their years in offering them alcohol, tobacco, adult magazines, nudity and such, all towards making them a victim.
They believe that molesting can be soft, gentle and loving. That the child wants sex with them and enjoys it, that sex with a child is love. They give examples of other cultures and ancient times, anything to justify their twisted thoughts and distorted beliefs.
Called “grooming”, the offender treats the child like a girlfriend with an inappropriate showering of gifts, attention and affection to make the child feel obligated and guilty if he or she says “no.” The offender later justifies his abusing the child by a sense of entitlement: “Look at what I did for her! She owes me!” Grooming with attention is a powerful manipulation with children starved for affection.
Offers to baby-sit, drive them to school, take them to parks and weekend camping are efforts to separate the child and molest them.
Their “pretend normal” behavior is a mask to deceive others into thinking they are good guys, pillars of the community. Coaches who “horseplay”, grandfathers who sit their teen-aged grand-daughter on their laps, singers who build theme parks and share their bed with children, religious leaders who counsel children and boy scout leaders on weekend trips, dad and uncle, grandpa and cousins, and aunts, mothers, grandma and all, the list goes on.
Right in front of you, it all seems so darned innocent, yet, you feel sick at your stomach because you know what is really going on but are afraid to confront it.
Beware the “Religiose.” Pedophiles hide well in religious settings, believing they are superior and immune from suspicion because they can quote scriptures. They also believe they are “forgiven” for abusing children.
When you have the urge to vomit, are repulsed by someone without reason, feel a deep shame at witnessing something, feel a dread, go with it. Honor it. Keep your children away from it.
Should your child take a dislike to someone or refuse to go somewhere, there may be good reason. Talking about it and respecting your child’s feelings gives her strong boundaries and may be life-saving.
When the offender is in the home, as often the case, look for avoidance of intimacy, lack of communication with you and inappropriate affection to your child. The key is your child’s change in behavior.
IF your child comes to you and tells you someone touched her, believe her. You are her only hope.
Caveat: not every person who likes children, interacts in healthy ways and enjoys their company is an offender! Consider these red flags carefully and in context along with everything else. Do not make assumptions or jump to conclusions!
About MBCowan
“Pedophiles have few, if any, adult friends or adult interests.”
Really? You’re going to embrace a stereotype as fact? Not even stating that this is often not the case? This whole article is a dangerous exorcise in misinformation – the only piece of it worth anything is telling you to listen to your child.
While reading this I kept waiting for the punch line. I thought maybe it was satire or irony. Instead it is just a very ignorant and narrow-minded stereotypical portrayal.
My ex-abuser, seemed like a very upright, well-respected man, who was in charge at work and brilliant in his particular field…he would give talks and interact with other experts at his level and teach small groups in his subject….he made jokes easily and seemed quite at ease in different arenas…
And yet, that’s true about him….he had few, if any, real friends….he was estranged from his own family, even though they all lived in the same house together…even though his brother’s family lived on the same street….even though his parents lived close by….He was raised a strict Catholic and yet as an adult he rejected it all…didn’t attend services or celebrate the holidays with his family….he always kept a distance between himself and them, like some kind of protective barrier….
It seemed like he was most comfortable around me until that became more and more suffocating as he realized I was becoming more autonomous….
Thank you for writing this…I know this is such a painful and difficult subject to bring to light….
Sex abuse is NOT about sex. Along with immediate gratification, It is about power and control so as you became more autonomous he became more controlling, desperate and suffocating. Isolation is a large factor with offenders as they struggle with intimacy and interpersonal relationships. Part of the offender’s charm at work is the “pretend normal” cycle.
The more we can bring this subject into the open, the more everyone can heal.
One thing I did not include and will mention now, the victim is an object to the offender. The abuse is not personal. Regardless of what the offender tells the victim, how he loves her, how sexy she is, and blah blah, it is coming from the offender’s twisted and distorted mind. The child can be replaced with another child who will be told the exact same words – it is not personal so do not think you are responsible for it..
In healing,
mbcowan
And, remember kids! Pedophiles are always male!
So if little Billy lies about being felt up by Aunt Pedophilia, be sure to remind him of that!
Oh yeah, and boys can’t be victims either.
Typhon, thank you for mentioning this. I did state in my article “aunts, mothers, grandma and all, the list goes on.” Female offenders seem to fade away somehow and I thank you for bringing this out stronger. And certainly little boys are victims of women. This again, needs to be repeated.
So often boys are told how lucky they are to have had a sexual experience at age 6. The suffering we experience because of that “sexual encounter” read rape or molest, is not what we wanted at all.
I recently met a man who shared with me he had been carrying the memory of abuse since he was a child and never told anyone. Sharing our abuse with others makes it easier for them to share. Keep sharing!
mbcowan
I was trying to figure out why this article didn’t ring true to me, and I think it comes down to these “red flags”. In the list of behaviors you describe, most of the bad stuff, the real “sex offender” stuff, occurs out of sight, which means it usually can’t be spotted and prevented in advance, which would be the goal of “How to Spot a Sex Offender”. Most of the examples that are visible, and which in this context are presented as “red flags” are indistinguishable form “interacting in healthy ways” with children.
For example, working and volunteering with children, baby-sitting, having a kid-friendly home, taking children to parks or on camping trips, horseplay… all these are behaviors that can be and usually are completely benign ways that non-sex offending adults interact with kids. Not only to they fail as red flags, but if treated as such, they prevent or stigmatize such healthy interaction, in the form of rules like “Teachers (esp. males) are not allowed to hug students”.
I think the reason that sex offenders continue to offend so often and so long without getting caught is precisely because they *don’t* stand out from the crowd. Like practically every other kind of criminal, they tend to look and feel like “the rest of us” until their crime is discovered, at which point they mysteriously transform into the monster that we all assume should have been obvious to everyone who knew him/her. It’s just not that easy.
I agree about paying attention to your child’s instincts and reactions to people, and not ignoring if they report that someone has touched them. Unfortunately, that’s more likely to happen after the first offense, rather than being something you can spot and avoid before it happens. In any list of “warning signs”, it’s not very helpful if a behavior or trait is shared by both offenders and non-offenders. For example, if your kid says the babysitter “played doctor”, that could be a warning sign, but if someone offers to babysit or likes working with kids (as you listed above), that’s not much of a red flag, unless you distrust all babysitters and people who work with kids. I think a warning sign that makes everyone a suspect does more harm than good.
I say all this as 1) A one-time victim of abuse when I was 14, and 2) A man who babysat, worked with kids (including at a sleepover camp where I was the lone adult at night in a cabin with 10 or so kids), enjoys interacting with kids, and has kids, all without ever having any desire or intention of touching them sexually. I’ve even roughhoused and let kids (small ones) in my lap, but I’ve been conditioned by training and “red flag” lists like the above to avoid that – especially with other people’s kids – *because* people will find it suspicious, not because I’m afraid of feeling or acting on some sexual compulsion if I were to do it.
Ultimately, I share your desire to spot the offenders, but this could have just as easily been titled, “How Sex Offenders Blend With Non-Sex Offenders”, because when it comes to easily observable behavior, they’re not that different.
Marcus, well written! I concur that offenders blend in with others. I also agree that healthy interaction with children is a positive experience and should continue. Your interaction with children sounds positive.
The “red flags” must be taken in context. My intent and hope is to prevent abuse. After it happens is too late, so if we become aware of certain traits, tells and behaviors, and recognize the absence of other behaviors that balance these, maybe we can be cautious.
Healthy men have adult lives aside from their time with children. Predators usually do not. That is the key. It is difficult to discern, but if you know the flags, it is helpful. One guy I knew – his story is in my book – used to rent a trailer in an impoverished area and wait for a child he liked. He then went out and pretended to work on his car, attracting the child’s curiosity and struck up a conversation.
He offered the child a cold drink and lured him inside where the boy saw all the newest video games and electronics. Within hours, the predator had several boys in his trailer eating ice cream and pizza. The moms in the trailer park thought he was the messiah as their sons longed for a father and for affection.
To be with children, he worked as little as possible. He had no adult friends or adult interests.
This messiah gave out cigarettes, beer and porn to the children while molesting them and basically said, if they tell, he would too. He is now serving a sixteen-year sentence.
The signs that are absent are more subtle, like why aren’t you at work? Where is your girlfriend or boyfriend? Why all this time with kids? Why can’t you have a conversation with me? When I am around you I feel like I have another child in the room. Why do you take up for the children and go against me?
Your input is important and I thank you for taking the time to write.
I am also honoring your disclosure of your abuse and walk with you in our healing.
mbcowan
Good grief, this isn’t just wrong, it’s actively dangerous.
Oh no, Uncle Jim couldn’t be a child abuser, he has loads of adult friends and doesn’t do any volunteering with children. It says so on the GMP… He’ll be fine to take the kids camping…
Seriously, author, you must know that any attempt to provide a nice neat profile of a child abuser is incredibly bad practice. It lulls people into false sense of security over people who might be a risk but don’t fit the profille, and places an unfair spotlight on those who fit the bill but aren’t abusers.
Just a few words like “some” “many” “typically” can make all the difference.
This is really quite irresponsible GMP.
AllyF, Isolated from the stories which give in depth focus on these red flags, they appear stark. And as I said in my caveat, they must be taken into consideration with many other factors. These are flags, not indictments! Not all offenders will display these signs, and many will. My intent was to raise awareness of certain features which are prevalent in many offenders. I also suggest one follow a gut feeling as subjective as that may be.
Thanks for taking time to comment.
mbcowan
“singers who build theme parks and share their bed with children”
Wow, way to take a cheap shot at a dead guy.
Jon, how is that so? Many of the things I point out are valid. I understand this topic can be difficult, and it needs to be discussed.
MBCowan
I am grateful for what you are trying to do. It is a thankless mission at the best of times.
I suggest that you will be more effective if you work hard to separate your own experiences from the underlying reality. One manifestation of a phenomenon can be a wonderful motivator, but may leave you with an unreasonable “emotional” conviction about what what the problem “really” is.
I have suspect that male victims of female sexual abuse suffer less than female victims of male sexual abuse — but I also believe that there are more male victims of women, than female victims of men.
Many adult male victims who I know suffer only minimal lasting damage, often just occasional flashbacks, nightmares, and/or trust issues. I stayed quiet for 42 years mostly because it seemed that my experiences were in a lesser catogory, compared to the injuries suffered by female victims. Unfortunately, this means that male victims of female abuse are likely badly under-counted, even in self report surveys. Many dult men refuse to identify as victims, and prefer to think “well, that was a really stup^d thing that mom did, but at least she picked me a hottie, her har har.” This includes both of my brothers (11 and 12 at the time of their victimization by mom’s friends), and my father (by a prostitute when he was 13).
However, do not be decieved. These men “laugh it off in public”, but when I talk to them in private, they ALL report nightmares, flashbacks, intimacy issues, trust issues, etc. To this day, my father hates strong female perfume, because it reminds him of a single night that ended 61 years ago. This is not a victimless crime, even when the victims say that it is.
Dear Readers- I have taken to heart what you are saying and after giving some thought to it I agree.
The article is overly generalized and could be harmful by its implications which I failed to qualify.
I am grateful to you for your feedback. and am working on some revisions.
MBCowan
I should be appalled at the sheer insensitivity of your article, but I guess I am used to it. Here is how you are wrong.
From a Man’s Perspective:
1) You imply that all Pedophiles are men. You use “he or she” the turn around and specify gender lines in other areas.
• “The offender later justifies his abusing the child by a sense of entitlement…”
2) You imply that all victims are little girls. Just like #1 you have some parts addressing both, which is then polluted by things like :
• “IF your child comes to you and tells you someone touched her, believe her. You are her only hope.”
3) As others have pointed out, you use perfectly healthy interactions with children and pervert them to “Red Flags” for your list.
Taken out of context, these problems might be forgivable, but you are just reinforcing stereotypes. No one will think twice about that woman who babysits kids (Because hey, womens’ job is to rear children /sarcasm), but a man!? It shouldn’t be this way. It is unfair, but that is the society we live in and your over generalization doesn’t help.
From a Pedophile’s Perspective:
That is correct, I identify as a Pedophile.
Readers, did you have “the urge to vomit, are repulsed by someone without reason, feel a deep shame at witnessing something, feel a dread” or something similar? Ask yourself WHY.
It is because articles like this that so callously interchange the words Pedophile and Offender as if they are one and the same. Who will *you* be offending? Just the people so horrendously demonized by society anyway…
[Unfortunately Mandatory Paragraph] I get it, and (Surprise, surprise…) in fact also feel deep hatred toward those who take advantage of children in any way. I hate Pedophiles who act on thier feelings which leads to the harm of children. It can be absolutely devastating to the children’s lives.
Like I said in the beginning, I should be appalled but people like me are used as the big bad boogey man every day. I’ve lived 22 years without engaging in any kind of sexual activity (Legal or otherwise) and decided in my teen years that is how it will stay until I reach my grave. Living a life void of intimate contact is hard enough without being portrayed as an evil that makes the devil himself cringe.
Well done for coming out and saying that. And well done for not acting on your feelings.
All pedophiles should be castrated period, man or woman it is a sick society that does not protect our children F$*& the rights of pedophiles in my opinion they have no rights, to take the innocence of a child is a horrendous crime, no sympathy here
A simple rule for parents: Your child will never be victimized by someone you don’t trust. Its the guy or gal whom you fully trust who brings dreadful surprise to your life.
I don’t know if adult women having sexual relationships with almost-puberty/recent-puberty boys (11-13 years) is what you mean by pedophilia.
If it is, be careful. This phenomenon manifests itself very differently from what you outline in your well intentioned article. For example, the seduction of almost/recent puberty boys by adult women does not involve perpetrators who are uncomfortable with their peers. On the countrary, this crime involves the active participation and knowledge of guardians (especially mothers) and occurs in the open, or almost in the open. The perpetrators are friendly with, and act with theknowlege of, one of the child’s parents. This is not a crime that happens in the shadows. It is a crime that brings the darkness with it.
It may be true that both crimes often have a cultural component. Many Latin American cultures have an expectation that young boys will be introduced into “lovemaking” by adult women, usually friends of the boy’s mother.
I would make a distinction here that is very rarely made. I’ll do so at the risk of being branded all sorts of nasty things.
There is a difference between feeling sexual attraction towards children and being an abuser of children. There’s a difference between pedophilia as desires and as behavior. The word “pedophile” is frequently used to refer to both of these things, as if there’s no difference between the desire and the action, as if pedophiles really cannot stop themselves so their desires alone are dangerous to the public. In fact, there are people who experience sexual desire for children or have sexual fantasies involving children who haven’t abused children. Unfortunately, there is not a lot of counseling support available to those people if they never commit a crime. If they abuse a child, then they may get mandatory psychiatric attention, but seldom beforehand. They are virtually invisible, because the public finds it hard to imagine that they exist, and they have no good reason to come forward even though they desperately need help.
All of our pop culture messages say that they can’t stop themselves, that they are truly inhuman monsters. In the meantime, someone burdened with those horrible desires doesn’t have anywhere to turn for answers or explanation or therapy to manage them. I don’t think we should write anyone off who hasn’t committed a crime yet – some preventive medicine is in order, not just waiting for them to reveal themselves so they can be locked away forever. Why not prevent abuse of children instead of just punishing it severely afterwards?
My fear is that we’re veering into the realm of making specific sexual thoughts illegal. In the fight against child abuse, we are starting to lock people up for things that they *could* do or just *intend* to do, not what they have actually done. It is now a crime to cross state lines with the intention of sexually abusing a child. Think about that. Just driving across a border with a thought in your head could land you in jail. However horrible that intention is, should an evil intent all by itself be a crime? This is getting into the territory of making particular sexual desires illegal. If you think the people wanting to punish some sexual desires will stop with banning pedophilia and leave the rest of us alone, you’re fooling yourself. Once we start to strip away legal rights in the hunt for one kind of bad guy, other legal rights are then endangered.
Furthermore, what often happens is a backlash against extremism, and that backlash hurts the legitimate prosecution of child abuse. If we start to see child sexual abuse everywhere and become totally paranoid about it, that will ultimately backfire until people start doubting all the accusations and start to assume they’re all part of the hysteria. People may become so convinced they really can spot a child molester that they completely miss the ones that don’t fit the profile who continue to abuse. (If I were a child molester, I’d get the message from the article that I should stay away from being publicly seen with children and tell everyone that I don’t like kids, and that ought to make an excellent cover.)
Well okay then – well written and appreciated. Good information about these with sexual thoughts non-acting on them. Fleeting thoughts, a moments glance are not considered pedophilia. Most people have weird thoughts at times and dismiss them. When those sexual thoughts towards children become intrusive, obsessive and troublesome, it is time to get some help. No law is violated by thoughts. And if an individual gets help for unwanted, intrusive and bothersome thoughts it may prevent them acting on those thoughts and relieve them of them. Taking a child across a state line is legal. Taking a child across a state with the intent to have sex with them is not legal. Intent is planning.
And you make a good point in that pedophilia is not always acted out – fortunately – and if the person gets help she may never act out. Why live with thoughts and urges you can never satisfy if therapy will relieve that?
Pretending not to like children may backfire as a person has to have access to children before she can abuse them, so I suppose the person could pretend to begrudgingly babysit. There are so many devious ways…. my hope is the more we openly share this, as you have done, more information comes out to benefit everyone.
My goal is to prevent abuse, as you said. The title of my book is The Parent’s Guide to Protecting Children from Pedophiles- Amazon – this is not after it is too late!
thanks for contributing
mbcowan
Why is it we are all concerned about the rights of an abuser WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN, error on the side of caution i say
Interesting article, but scary as hell. I just posted today on how to empower our children to survive in this scary world. Please read and share: http://theycallmemummy.com/2012/08/10/a-monster-tale