Do you want
some free writing tips?
If so, you’re probably going to be disappointed, because most of these are just terrible jokes that you aren’t going to find very helpful. Sorry. Maybe next time.
Allan’s Free Writing Tips #1: When composing a note written in your own blood, wrap it up at the point where you feel woozy.
— Allan Mott (@HouseofGlib) January 5, 2014
Allan’s Free Writing Tips #2: A fart joke is in bad taste. 2 fart jokes is worse. 3 fart jokes is desperate. 4 or more fart jokes is genius.
— Allan Mott (@HouseofGlib) January 5, 2014
Allan’s Free Writing Tips #3: Successful writing is like fucking without a condom—you have to pull out just when it gets really good.
— Allan Mott (@HouseofGlib) January 5, 2014
Allan’s Free Writing Tips #4: Show don’t tell, but don’t show too much cuz boring.
— Allan Mott (@HouseofGlib) January 6, 2014
Allan’s Free Writing Tips #5: Tweeting and texting with proper spelling, capitalization and grammar is great practice for when it counts.
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— Allan Mott (@HouseofGlib) January 6, 2014
Allan’s Free Writing Tips #8: Indexes are for assholes.
— Allan Mott (@HouseofGlib) January 6, 2014
Allan’s Free Writing Tips #9: It’s impossible for anyone to do their best writing while they have pants on. FACT!
— Allan Mott (@HouseofGlib) January 6, 2014
Allan’s Free Writing Tips #10: Write everyday. Except the days where you have a clear case of “The Lazies” and doing so could be dangerous.
— Allan Mott (@HouseofGlib) January 6, 2014
Allan’s Free Writing Tips #11: Don’t spend money on expensive workshops. Send it to me instead.
— Allan Mott (@HouseofGlib) January 6, 2014
Allan’s Free Writing Tips #12: Almost anyone appreciates acceptable alliteration.
— Allan Mott (@HouseofGlib) January 6, 2014
Allan’s Free Writing Tips #13: Moving examinations of serious social issues are great, but have you even TRIED writing about your dog?
— Allan Mott (@HouseofGlib) January 6, 2014
Allan’s Free Writing Tips #14: No matter how many times you mention you’ve written an unpublished novel, no one will EVER ask to read it.
— Allan Mott (@HouseofGlib) January 6, 2014
Allan’s Free Writing Tips #15: When an editor tells you to, “Kill your babies,” grab the photo from their desk and say, “You first.”
— Allan Mott (@HouseofGlib) January 6, 2014
Allan’s Free Writing Tips #16: Fuck it. Throw in a zombie or vampire, if that’s what it takes.
— Allan Mott (@HouseofGlib) January 6, 2014
(Image courtesy of Flickr and Mike McKay)
All I’m going to say is: free writing advice from the greatest humorist/essayist/pop-cultural desconstructionist and storyteller of our time? I’LL TAKE IT!!!!!!!!
Aside from the jokes, there are actually nuggets of awesome advice in here.