Would you rather
belt out a tune like
you’re in a
Musical Comedy for one …
or
greet all new people
with a freshly generated
sulphuric wind?
I’ve always enjoyed the power that comes along with giving people ultimatums, so when I was asked by one of the finest editors of our (twitter) time(line) to literally create these rock-and-a-hard-place preference situations for The Good Men Project, I jumped at the chance. I was given a choice: to lay two equally horrifying scenarios before people and demand they pick one or not get published at all. So it is with great hubris and overamplification of my powers that I present the following two scenarios, one of which you will be forced to choose by the time you’re done reading this article. Nothing binds together an online community quite like forced participation and a coercive manipulation of their options, okay?
Scenario 1:
You get to the bar shortly after leaving work. You position yourself out of immediate purview of the front entrance so you can readily see people enter and exit the premises. You also sit near the back wall, because you just know that when the waitress finally comes over to take your order, you’re going to let out a big scary fart and you’d prefer the other patrons be out of earshot. You’re tired of the judgment. It already happened a few minutes earlier when the host, whom you’d never met before, locked eyes with you as he ushered you in and asked how many people were in your party. A loud FWWAARP escaped from your girded backside. Clearly, you’re a party of one. Is this a medical condition? Are you just nervous around new people? Nope, you’re in a special hell that I’ve created wherein every time you meet and greet a new person, you loudly expel gas involuntarily. They hear it, and they know it’s you. This is your life.
Scenario 2:
You’re in line at the bank. It’s only three people long, so you probably won’t be there more than a few minutes, but you’ve noticed today that you haven’t broken out into song yet. This always worries you, as you prefer the mornings where you evocatively chant Henry Mancini’s “Pink Panther” in the shower without apology or incident. Shuffling forward a couple feet, you feel it hit. Slowly the notes escape your throat, and pretty soon you’re belting out the haunting climax of the alleluia collision outro of Song For Athene. You can already feel the stares land on you as every single person in the bank, including the on-duty security guard, turns to see what the polyphonic commotion is all about. Your gaze falls back on the guard as you see him place his hands on his brand-new wand. He has an itchy trigger finger – the kind that you can tell that uses the wand first and asks questions later. But within a minute, your singing subsides and he backs off. A few people clap thankful for the unannounced break in their day. More people clap when this happens to you in a mall food court. You must remember to tell that to a scientist someday.
So there you have it: you either randomly sing involuntarily once a day a cappella-style for about a minute (without any warning) or you fart audibly each and every time you meet a new person.
Which seems the worst?
Don’t pick that one then. Pick the other one.
I will neither fart or break into song BUT my wife, if she even faintly hears a tune she likes, expect her to start singing it.
This is easy! I burst into song all the time, so this isn’t really anything new 😛
Singing would be great! Maybe it’ll make me seem quirky and fun instead of sarcastic and weird–would be a nice change!
You are quirky and fun and sarcastic and weird and all the things, Nyssa.
Actually, being able to break out in impromptu song and dance and get attention and applause is sort of my idea of heaven. Let’s go with that!
I agree. Farting would be the worst ever. I just needed a platform to discuss it because I want to normalize it, so that i can do it in public and not be chastised.
I am embarrassed to sing in front of anyone, and in this particular scenario, I didn’t give a thought to the quality of the singing!!!! I’m such a bohunk sometimes. But farting seems like probably the most socially egregious act you can commit. I feel, as a woman, it’s even worse, because frat guys will not high-five us for it. IN the future of my dreams, farting will be acceptable and, hopefully, even desirable.
Definitely the singing. If I can belt out a Bruno Mars song I’d never heard before solo a cappella in front of everyone who works for my entire company, I think I can handle it.
You are officially an extrovert.
Definitely the second one. I’d love to be able to sing in public and blame it on a medical condition. Also, the idea of getting applause at the bank or a mall food court seems nice. I think the only people who would clap at Scenario #1 would be drunken frat guys.
I think it would be great if a man broke into song randomly. Like I think that would be kind of a turn on. Also, it would just make that person more likeable. Imagine you’re in a fight and your opponent – against their will – starts singing right when they’re at their angriest. SO CUTE! Also, you win!!!!