The Question Is…. No More Birthdays Forever

Happy Birthday Gemini

You are given the chance

to have the all-time greatest

birthday party of your dreams,

but there’s a catch.


When it’s over,

no one will ever acknowledge

your birthday again.


Do you agree to this?

Today is my 38th birthday and like most people my age the joy of the occasion has been much diluted over time. Birthdays mattered when you were young and–depending on your family–amounted to what was probably a twice-yearly opportunity for serious toy accrual. When you reach the age where you can buy your own toys, the anticipation lessens and it can sometimes seem like little more than a tick towards your natural obsolescence.

Still, it’s a better than average reason to throw a good party. Except throwing a good party is hard. It’s a special talent many of us don’t have. As a result, many attempts at a birthday celebration just end up making you feel worse than if you hadn’t tried at all and pretended it was just a regular day.

But what if you could be guaranteed ONE epic party? The perfect celebration of your life that lived up to your every single wildest dream? And all it cost was that no one would ever celebrate or even mention your birthday ever again.

Seems like it might be a no brainer.


As small and easy to make as they are, I truly enjoy the little Happy Birthday messages we can now expect to receive in the age of social media. That five seconds of effort–often from people I’ve never physically met–still manages to make me feel good and part of something larger than myself. And I would miss them if they went away.

While a day’s worth of friendly messages probably can’t compare to an unbelievable celebration of your existence, I still have over half a lifetime’s (*crosses fingers*) worth of those days left to live and I suspect that once I add them all up, they’ll create a memory as important as any one major party.

How about you?

About Allan Mott

Allan Mott was once accused of being a narcissistic goth lesbian by a disgruntled Amazon reviewer. That pretty much sums up his writing career (which includes 12 and 1/2 books and frequent contributions to such sites as XOJane, XOJaneUK, Canuxploitation, Bookgasm and Flick Attack,). His most personal writing can be found at, where he uses the subject of B-Movies to mostly talk about boobs and stuff. Tweet him on the Twitter at @HouseofGlib.


  1. It would kill me not to have someone at least buy me a birthday drink. Can I settle for one mildly satisfying party every 5 years or so with a few heartfelt bday wishes and a cake baked with my kid in all the years between? 🙂

  2. Alexa The Mensch says:

    I have already given up birthday celebrations. I stopped at 17 to honor my dignity as an adult.

  3. Joanna Schroeder says:

    Okay first HAPPY BIRTHDAY

    Second, I do not care about birthdays or all that much about parties. I would give up all my birthdays (assuming I’d still be alive) for one really amazing 2 week vacation.

  4. P.S. Is that a Jack Davis movie poster?! #MadMADLove

    • Allan Mott says:

      The only other option is that it’s a highly skilled forgery. I know his style was ripped off on occasion. I’d never actually seen (or even heard of) this movie before this–I just searched for birthday movies and the poster from HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME just didn’t seem appropriate. 🙂

  5. No way would I take that deal! It’s true that I never get a birthday party, and I would love one, but I would be too sad if nobody ever said happy birthday to me again. Plus, I love the silly cards my kids draw for me.

  6. Worth it, because nothing would ever live up to that birthday anyway, so why even try? The memories from that celebration would be enough to make me not miss the happy birthday Facebook messages.

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