5 Things I Hear As A Married Man

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About Gint Aras

Gint Aras has two decades of experience teaching, over ten of them in a Chicago-area community college. He writes a weekly column, True Community, about young men and education. His writing has appeared in St. Petersburg Review (forthcoming, 2014), Antique Children, Criminal Class Review, Curbside Splendor, Dialogo, Šiaurės Atėnai and other publications. He's a photographer and the author of the cult novel, Finding the Moon in Sugar. Check out his website, Liquid Ink and follow Gint on Twitter @Gint_Aras.

Comments

  1. Will Best says:

    I have heard quite a few of them myself. Here is why I hate every one of them

    “what if your wife finds out?”

    well if she doesn’t that probably means there is some level of dysfunction in our relationship. To ask is to imply I don’t have a functioning relationship with my wife

    “have fun now because your wife’s coming home soon!”

    This implies both that my wife is unfun, and that I chose poorly when selecting her.

    “Don’t you need to call your wife?”

    This implies that my wife has me on some sort of short leash, a lack of healthy communication between us, and that I suffer from a general state of incompetence in not knowing when I need to “check in”

    “Your wife lets you do that?”

    This implies that I am the property of my wife. It further implies that I am not aware of my marriage vows and our understanding what is and isn’t acceptable behavior

    “If you were my husband, I’d kill you for even thinking of this stuff.”

    I am not married to you, and there is a good reason for that. Though more often its being said by an overly flirtatious woman and I feel that shows an amazing level of disrespect for my wife and our relationship.

  2. Just goes to show you how common a wife can be controlling to the point of abusive if it’s so common to hear this stuff. My dad was “allowed” to go fishing more than once a week and mum’s friends were shocked that she would “allow” him to do that….I thought to myself if that is a common experience with marriage/dating than I am glad to be single, but I do hope to find a partner that isn’t so controlling or demanding.

    Can any wives do an article on what they commonly hear?

    • Will Best says:

      The only men I know that are “allowed” to do things aren’t in good marriages. Every man in a good relationship has a set of responsibilities, and if he meets those can do whatever he wants so long as it doesn’t seriously threaten his ability to meet his responsibilities in the future.

      • Melissa says:

        Both this article and your response Will have given me hope that there are both men and women who value their husband/wives/partners. That for some (hopefully one more for me) people see marriage as a great partnership not the weirdly unbalanced affair it is presented as . So thanks, both of you.

    • “Like I Am” by Blackberry Smoke is a great song…a conversation everyone (male or female) should have before getting married:

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1M0GnPdK124

  3. Lindile says:

    Hahaha …this is a great article … Cackled away as I read it….

    As an unattached, previously hitched woman I hear some versions of the above…started with…”No wonder your husband kicked you out…because you are…
    1. Too loud … You laugh too loud, you want to be the centre of attention.
    2. You travel too much … Wives should sit at home and do school runs and mind the kids.
    3. You are too independent ….
    The list could go on forever … And then judgements are even longer … I don’t care … Got my get out of jail free card and will not give it up in a hurry.

    Your article gives me hope that one day I will find someone as far out as me who can accept the whole concept of individuality within marriage …..

  4. I know I commented on twitter already Gint, but I couldn’t be happier with you focusing on this topic. i often get asked by my friends AND my family if my relationship is stable since my husband and I have

    a)lived apart at various points in our relationship (I’m Canadian and he’s American)
    b)We have made various trips solo or with our own separate friends, or even
    c)I go out frequently without him because he works shiftwork and to be honest, he’s not that great in big crowds.
    It just reinforces for me the BS people are fed from childhood about what constitutes a healthy relationship. I’ve seen most people in my life resort to becoming “one” with their partner…to the point where it seems the other can’t take a bathroom break wihout being followed in. What makes me a good wife is that I’m a strong individual with a massive sense of self and I don’t need my husband to survive. I just am taking him along for the ride :-)

    • Gint Aras says:

      What stuns me is that these kinds of things are often communicated by married people. As I’ve argued in several articles, our entire culture needs a reality check. We need greater introspection and wisdom. We also have to examine our assumption about what it means to love someone. It does not mean that you have to be infantile.

  5. Hank Vandenburgh says:

    Great article!

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