Dr. Ken Druck knows what it’s like to lose a loved one, but he also recognizes the pain of dealing with the daily loss of someone who is still alive. Here, 3 tips for dealing with these living losses.
Our society has yet to recognize the severity of pain associated with living losses – or to provide adequate resources to those who are suffering.
Living with alcoholism and drug addiction, or someone who is debilitated, estranged, traumatized or has gone missing, is heart-wrenching. Lost, or at risk, are their hopes and dreams for the future.
Parents, spouses and siblings fight valiantly to help their loved ones, in some cases just to keep them alive. The cost of living on edge, depleting their own limited resources, seeking help from the community and going to sleep/waking up every day hoping for a miracle is considerable.
The frustration, pain, confusion, humiliation, exhaustion, heartache and feelings of utter helplessness can be overwhelming. Believing that somehow, some way, things will get better, and devoting our time and energy to making that happen, takes tremendous amounts of raw courage, faith, hope, determination and human resources.
Sometimes things do get better. An addicted or alcoholic son or daughter goes to rehab, stays sober and builds a good life for themselves. An estranged daughter comes home after years on “the road.” A missing child is found alive.
And sometimes they don’t. Living losses become life losses. Casualties. And we grieve a death. For James Foley’s parents, the anxiety of waiting for their son to return ended tragically, and now they are grieving his death. But for the millions of people who are still suffering a “living loss,” their hell continues daily, hourly, minute by minute.
What can those of us who suffer from living losses do to help ourselves? Our loved ones? Where can we turn to find relief no matter what the source of our suffering? What can we do to save a loved one’s life? Salvage their future? How can we take care of ourselves, “process” our grief, continue to learn from experience, remove ourselves from the torture chamber of guilt and summon the strength to survive? How can we fight our way back into our own lives?
Here are three resources that exist in many of our communities.
1. Attend a Recovery Program or Support Group: Programs like Alanon and “Living Losses” support groups directly address these inner and outer challenges described above through peer support and education, resource and information-sharing, expert advice, experiential learning and community advocacy.
You will quickly learn that you’re not alone! We all have much to learn about living with and even preventing living losses and promoting the kinds of things that reduce and/or prevent them. There are devoted, knowledgeable experts in almost every community. But we also have one another. Peer support and education can make all the difference. Our slogan at The Jenna Druck Center is “Hope Loves Company.”
2. Self-Help Resources: We also have the amazing ability to help ourselves. How we do this is the core of my “Real Rules of Life” book. By taking exceptionally good care of ourselves, getting the help and support we need, learning more about how to cope with the pain, sorrow, anger, fear and frustration that come with a living loss, we can fight the good fight.
Becoming our own best friend and supporter also means freeing ourselves of the debilitating blame, guilt, judgment and punishment that many of us have unknowingly turned against ourselves. Learning to treat ourselves with kindness, patience, self-compassion, forgiveness, encouragement and understanding is the key. Each of us is human — and a work in progress. We deserve a second chance. Helping ourselves changes everything.
3. Getting Professional Help: Getting professional help from a qualified therapist, counselor, Living Losses Coach or spiritual advisor/ clergy can make all the difference as a stand-alone activity or complement to the other options mentioned above.
We don’t get to play God in this life. No matter how healthy, wealthy or wise we become, there will always be things that are beyond our ability to control, or understand. We can, however, learn to live valiantly, humbly and honorably in the face of life’s most devastating living losses, setbacks and tragedies.
We can summon great strength and face each day as it comes, doing the best we can, working hard to help ourselves and our loves ones create the best of all possible futures. This takes time and great courage.
Rising out of the ashes, mobilizing resources and fighting our way back into life is how we grow our souls. This is also the greatest triumph of the human spirit, but it only happens one breath at a time.
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