James Michael Sama wants guys to be brave, and take the next step in dating like grown-ups.
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Here we are, in the 21st century. Gen-X’ers, Millenials, Gen-Whatever’ers are having a hard enough time as it is navigating massive student loan debts, high rents, and a difficult job market. To add the icing on the cake, they are floundering through the dating world slash hookup culture and quickly discovering that nobody knows what the hell they are doing.
That’s probably because there is no structure. There is no methodology. There is no progressive course of events. And many times, there are really no role models out there leading by example for what to even do.
Essentially, everyone is like a ship at sea without a destination. Maybe hoping to bump into another one every once in awhile and ask how to get to port, but everybody’s navigation seems to be broken.
I think a big part of this is the fact that people (particularly younger men and women) have completely lost sight of what ‘dating’ actually means. Then again, maybe they didn’t actually lose sight of it because they never knew in the first place. Many members of the more recent generations have grown up just ‘hanging out’ with each other and calling it a relationship.
Actually going to a movie (not that that’s the best date idea…) gave way to coming over to watch a movie – which was essentially just code words to make the invitation sound less forward. Calling a girl to actually ask her out on a date has become a last minute “Hey, want to hang out?” text that implies no effort or real meaning whatsoever.
A date is not a random, last minute invitation. When you are getting to know someone, a date should be planned. It doesn’t have to be extravagant or expensive, but it should actually bear some resemblance to a series of events that you put some conscious effort into in order to ensure both parties actually enjoy themselves.
But, this notion is on a quite obvious decline. I don’t think there is just one thing to blame. I think we are losing social skills despite “social media” that make people more uncomfortable around one another and perhaps contribute to less of a willingness to actually form a real life connection that doesn’t require a friend request.
I think we are losing the value of commitment. We see this in the job market, we see it with technology, and we are seeing it with significant others. Everything just seems to be a placeholder to keep us busy until something better comes along. And – this is happening with ‘relationships’ too. What happened to the honor of keeping your word? The dignity of standing by someone when things get difficult? The integrity of upholding the promises you made long after the mood that you made them in, has past?
It is all declining. And we are wondering why everyone is always complaining about the opposite sex.
Our young men are also getting flooded with mixed messages. Do women want to be equal, or do they want to be courted? Is there even a conflict between the two? Can’t chivalry and equality coexist? Should he still pay for dinner? These questions can be confusing to people who have not yet defined their own answers to believe in.
But…what if you get turned down? What if you get rejected? In a society where trophies are handed out just for participating, we are not learning to lose – therefore we are not learning to identify our weaknesses and improve them.
It is all declining. And it is taking the concept of dating and courtship down with it.
Men find themselves perpetually trapped in what they call the ‘friend zone’ and wonder why. Without asking a woman on a proper date, she has no reason to believe you even want to be anything more than friends. Hanging out or even going out for drinks or spending time in groups does not send her the message that you are serious about her.
If actually conveying to the woman you are interested in that you are interested in her isn’t a good reason to invite her on a real life date, I don’t know what is.
For this reason, think about how rare it is for a woman to be asked on a date. Women get approached constantly. They get complimented constantly. They get invited to clubs and parties and events and whatevers, constantly. But do you know what the difference is? Those men are not you. Those men are not putting in the effort to actually discover who she is. Those men are not taking the time to express interest in her and to do something together that would allow you to actually have a real conversation.
Let’s be honest – a lot of men out there are just trying to get into her pants. But you want more than that. Telling her isn’t enough, you’re going to have to show her.
I’m sure I am not the only one who has heard the low-hanging fruit analogy when it comes to dating. Men, in order to avoid rejection (and possibly effort), will do what is easiest. They will invite women to just hang out. They won’t approach the woman who they really want to get to know because she just might be out of his league. They will grab at the apple on the bottom branch, because hey, it’s easier.
And the whole time this is happening, the freshest fruits are in the top branches staying untouched because every man is thinking the same way. Little do they know, desirable women are probably not being asked on real dates as often as you might think.
Are you going to take the easy road and keep ‘hanging out,’ or are you going to take a chance and climb the tree? You might fall down a few times and get hurt, but you will become better on each climb to a new apple.
There are women out there waiting for someone to prove that all men are not the same. They are waiting for a man to take the initiative and invite them on a real, actual date. They are waiting for a man to climb the tree.
Is it going to be you?
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Originally appeared at James Michael Sama’s blog
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James, this is the best article I’ve ever read on “The Good Men Project” website. (As of this year.) I’ve read many of your articles in the past, but have to say— this exceeds all others. Thanks so much!!
“They are waiting for a man to climb the tree.”
I am nobody’s performing monkey.
If this article is indicative of womens’ expectations then I’ll take a pass.
Great. Another article on the expectation as to how men should behave while women are free to do as they wish due to their liberation. In natural systems (and almost everywhere else) when you change one component the others adapt as well to find a balance. The speed at which the response takes place varies by system; we are currently seeing the adaptation of men after 50 years or so of the feminist movement. For anyone to think you can change everything for one gender and expect the other to remain the same is myopic and illogical. Yet there is… Read more »
It’s not just the Gen-whatevers experiencing this problem: It’s their parents as well. The resulting cynicism from a long-term relationship gone bad adds even another dimension to an already difficult situation. I’ve all but given up hope for an emotionally fulfilling long-term relationship myself.
I have given up and will stay single. I have been put through the ringer so many times I can’t even consider dating anymore. It is just not worth the hassle. If you can’t will don’t play.
I wonder how many other men are making the same choice?
I’m genuinely curious about what you mean by being ” put through the ringer”. What happened? As women, we generally think men have it easy when it comes to dating. I’m interested in your perspective.
OMG Melanie do you have your head in the sand? Our society today TRASHES men. If you can’t see it, I’m not sure anyone could explain it to you.
Dating had a better quality to it before it all went “superficial-online-no-commitment-hook-up”. People actually had to put effort into looking for potential partners, speaking to them, YES–socializing, trying to look like decent human beings, etc. There wasn’t a gallery of face after face…it took effort & people were generally valued more. Online dating was such an awesome thing at first, but the sites like eharmony (pricey, too awkward, can’t even see profile pics) made way for the sites like match.com (better, could be way easier–oh! you can hook up on here!). Then the “so easy to hook up, most people… Read more »
Men have issues when it comes to dating. Men also have no role models on being men to begin with. Where are men’s spaces to learn how to be men and deal with the tough issues like dating and marriage? Gone. There are no more stag bars, fraternities are under fire, and even the Boy Scouts are required to admit girls. No men’s domestic violence shelters in the US, UK, and Canada despite men making up half of the victims. 1 in 5 school age boys is medicated with Ritalin. Boys and girls are now testing at similar levels in… Read more »
There are spaces for men to learn to be men. But they are not the spaces with the most flash and excitement. Instead, young men turn to PUAs, or Maxim magazine, or other resources that exploit both men and women instead of the resources that could truly help them. I am not sure stag bars or fraternities are really truly great places for men to learn to be men. Fraternities prove to be pretty unhealthy environments that prey on underclassmen and use young women as a means to bond with their male buddies. I am not sure how many girls… Read more »
I disagree. Men only places are now considered sexist and possibly illegal. Don’t let a female join your club and you could be sued.
“And this article blames men more.”
Mr Sama does seem to make a habit of this. There is a quite intriguing degree of smugness in his writing of “Well…. I have the answer… I have the solution…. and you saps? Pah…. forget it, losers!”
Such great points. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
Did you just compare women to a bunch of fruits waiting to be picked ?
DO NOT LISTEN TO THIS AUTHOR, PLEASE. This is ridiculous.
“There are women out there waiting for someone to prove that all men are not the same. They are waiting for a man to take the initiative and invite them on a real, actual date. They are waiting for a man to climb the tree. -“
This is a great article! I agree with so many of your points and have found these to be true in my own dating life as well.
I find that most people simply don’t want to put in the effort. A lot of men just want to ‘hook up’ because they care more about their own personal instant gratification then actually getting to know you as a person. Relationships require compromise, sacrifice and hard work. Relationships requires us to grow and think of someone outside ourselves. It’s always going to be easier to simply be by yourself with your cat or dog then working out things with another human being. I try to keep my eye out for men that know who they are and know what… Read more »
Being with one of today’s women isn’t worth putting in a lot of effort.
Dude, if a woman WANTS you she makes it easier. She may have a few tests and checks she performs, but it will be much easier than the one she thinks she doesn’t “want”.
expecting dating mechanics to stay the same while times change is foolish. same with assuming that everyone operates the same way.
Nice article! Though I have to say, the question of people not knowing what they’re doing is quite deep. We live in an era that places a lot of value on individuality, or living life in the most individual way possible. At the same time, having meaningful relationships with those around us is essential to us truly being ourselves, as paradoxical as it may seem. It seems that a lot of 25+ people don’t consider romantic love as that credible a concept, and find it more preferable to settle with companionship rather than seek out a romantic relationship. After all,… Read more »
The guys that those girls are waiting for are universally unattractive to those women, so fuck it.
I’m in my 30’s and I’ve just about given up myself. The thing I’ve noticed is women tend to act more like guys nowadays. The last few women I’ve gone out with I’ve treated respectfully and paid for most of the meals and fun things to do. It never seems to get past a few dates. I’m starting to think relationships aren’t even worth the time and effort I put in or genuinely trying to get to know a woman and what makes her tick and what passions drive her. I think I may be one of the few men… Read more »
I’m meeting more and more guys that are simply not interested in serious dating/relationships. I know a few guys in their 30’s that have no intent on getting married much less having any committed relationship. They aren’t interested in how much work it takes to have a relationship with a women. These guys make good money and do a lot of things. I see them at my age having a sail boat and sailing off to new adventures. My son is single and he’s done very well for himself. In his early 20’s he was crazed about a couple of… Read more »
Ditto for my son, Tom. He had two girlfriends who just weren’t interested. I know he wants to get married in his twenties, but those days are rapidly ending. The further you go down the road of life the less desirable it becomes. Who would have thought fish and bicycles would have such trouble getting together.
Thank you for this article. This is SO true!
Thanks for this article, my interpretation of it is generally positive. I agree that direction is being lost, relationships are ambiguous, and commitments are risky. There’s a lot of noise out there. But my interpretation is that the author’s is giving hope that fulfilling relationship can be achieved, even though the social construct of relationships themselves and gender rolls are being challenged. Im going through this same dilemma now, so thanks to the author/goodmenproject for creating a place for these types of discussions. My conclusion is that in this age of hypermasculinity, instant gratification/hook-up culture and individuality/commitment phobia I’ll stay… Read more »