Abusing loved ones only teaches that bigger, stronger people can hurt smaller, weaker people. MEN don’t do that!
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There are a numerous taboos in our culture (killing and Pedophilia, to name but two obvious ones, are on almost everyone’s list), but unfortunately domestic violence is not really up there in any meaningful way (not for children and not for significant others). The best we can hope for is that when violence escalates beyond a certain level, social services and the criminal justice system will step in.
Domestic violence has been big news lately, with numerous stories about violent NFL players (Ray Rice), and the lack of appropriate action, prevention and consequences by the teams, management and the NFL commissionaire Roger Goodell (NFL has a very uneven history of dealing with domestic violent perpetrated by players and disproportionate punishments for drug offenses, as outlined in a great article by Allison McCann)
Domestic violence, defined as violence by one partner against another in the context of an intimate relationship, is much bigger and much more pervasive in our culture (and world culture), than just in professional sports. It is not limited to gender and sexual orientation, and men are subject to domestic violence in large numbers. Women, however, are more likely to suffer domestic abuse and be the victims of more serious physical and psychological hurt & damage, as a result.
As illustrated by the recent Adrian Peterson case (the Minnesota Vikings running back indicted for felony child abuse), home violence also adversely affects children in large numbers. Michael Petit, President of Every Child Matters Education Fund, wrote in a news essay published by the British Broadcasting Corporation:
“Over the past 10 years, more than 20,000 American children are believed to have been killed in their own homes by family members. That is nearly four times the number of U.S. Soldiers killed in Iraq and Afghanistan. The child maltreatment death rate in the U.S. is triple Canada’s and 11 times that of Italy. Millions of children are reported as abused and neglected every year.”
It is important to note that there are serious and catastrophic effects to domestic violence against women, men and children, as outlined in the Futures Without Violence fact sheet:
Effects of Domestic Violence on Women:
1. Women who have experienced domestic violence are 80 percent more likely to have a stroke, 70 percent more likely to have heart disease, 60 percent more likely to have asthma, and 70 percent more likely to drink heavily, than women who have not experienced intimate partner violence.
2. Approximately one in three adolescent girls in the U.S. is a victim of physical, emotional or verbal abuse from a dating partner.
3. Teen victims of physical dating violence are more likely than their non-abused peers to smoke, use drugs, engage in unhealthy diet behaviors (taking diet pills or laxatives and vomiting to lose weight), engage in risky sexual behaviors and attempt or consider suicide.
4. The United Nations Development Fund for Women estimates that at least one of every three women globally will be beaten, raped or otherwise abused during her lifetime. In most cases, the abuser is a member of her own family.
Effects of domestic violence on Children, which included exposure to domestic violence in the home and being subjected to abuse:
1. Emotional, mental and social damage effecting development growth.
2. Social isolation and diminished ability to make friends easily.
3. Greater anxiety, low self esteem, depression, anger, and behavioral problems.
4. Shame, guilt and self-blame.
5. Bed wetting and nightmare.
6. Passivity with peers and bullying.
7. Engage in exploitative relationships as perpetrator or victim.
8. Self abuse.
9. Regression in development.
10. Frequently ill.
In light of all this research it’s hard to comprehend why we still accept corporate punishment of kids and excuse, in large measure, domestic violence in intimate relationships?
One possible reason is Judeo/Christian teachings. Most of us are familiar with “spare the rod, spoil the child” (Proverbs 13:24), which seems to teach us that raising kids must involves hitting them as a parenting/education tool. Similarly, historically and in various times and places (Merry Old England, Hebrew Bible, The Code of Hammurabi…), the woman was “purchased” from her father by the groom, thus becoming his possession (like a horse, wagon or household utensils), establishing her as property, or, chattel. In both cases, the man is endowed with full control and power over his wife and kids.
Although it is clear that these behaviors are somewhat diminished and outlawed in our culture, and in other “enlightened” countries (albeit to a limited extend), they are, however, still engrained and practiced. Since kids learn from what we as parents and adults do, failing to nip these destructive behaviors in the bud, will continue to create generations of abusers and abused in a cycle of useless violence, inflicting grave social and economic consequences (estimates of the cost of domestic violence to the economy range from $5.8 to $12 billion dollars a year).
Speaking from personal experience, my parents never raised their hand to me, my brother or each other, and my ex wife and I have easily managed to raise an exceptional, compassionate, self disciplined, mature and funny young man, in exactly the same way (and we are all the better for it).
Humans are sentient, rational and critical thinking beings. The thought that physical and/or emotional violence is anywhere close to a valid tool for raising kids and/or building strong and loving intimate relationships, is absurd.
It is the responsibility of parents to raise their kids and be their role models (and not abdicate the responsibility to professional athletes or pop stars and celebrities, whose job is to perform, entertain and generate revenues). It is our responsibility, as a society, to make sure aggression on the field, or in the context of any profession or situation where it is appropriate ( short of injuries), does not spill over to “acceptable” personal behavior. Domestic violence has no place anywhere, and definitely not in the context of an intimate relationship or a parent/child one. The only thing that it teaches is; bigger, stronger people have the right to hurt smaller, weaker people, and MEN simply don’t do that.
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Photo: David Walker / Art of David Walker
Other Current Affairs Bites this week
Is the Daniele Watts Incident a Tempest in a Teapot?
We’re Fixing the Ozone layer. Let’s Mitigate the Effects of Climate Change!
And One from the week before
One Suicide every 40 Seconds: Why are we Killing Ourselves?
Horrific and offensive piece. This author has absolutely no compassion for male victims of domestic violence.
So how is deleting comments moving the conversation forward??? And another two lost in ‘moderation’???
Seriously I am writing a piece as we speak. And if it doesn’t get published then I doubt GMP will ever truly care about domestic violence other than women being ‘victims’.
Josh and Jatc. Why don’t you write a piece about the issues that concern you and outline your arguments with all the data you can find? This would be a productive way to channel your concerns and move the conversation forward.
The same reason it’s apparently the responsibility of the existing media to cater to people who feel they aren’t being represented, rather than their responsibility to build the media they would rather see
Mr. Gilboa Your response to thoughtful, evidence-based posts is outrageous. You’ve presented a thoroughly false view of the issue, and rather than acknowledge that and issue a retraction and corrections, you’ve had the gall to tell people their best response to your factual errors is to go write their own articles. . By helping to conceal the problem, and by knowingly, actively continuing to do so, you’re contributing to ongoing abuse and injury. Identifying the perpetrators of abuse is essential to getting them to stop, and yet you’re now actively, knowingly concealing the gender of the perpetrators. You must stop.… Read more »
Those links are great but I think Tsach might have missed the fact that right from the CDC the stats show that men and women are near even, when it comes to being a victim of DV. Tsach: you said this “2. Although men are also subject to domestic abuse (mentioned in the piece), it is mainly from other men and at a much lower rate than women and children, which still suffer most of the abuse and damage. A worldwide critical problem” Where are your links that show most of the DV against men is by other men. The… Read more »
Agreed, and he is trying to still ride the wave of Ray Rice. Why didn’t we see a single hit peice about Hope Solo? Is she not a ‘role model’ for young women and girls? What about Kelly Brook? What about Solange Knowels? Are they not public figures that are seen as role models? When are we going to see the irrational, lynching articles about these famous women, that ignore all the facts and history of those involved, screaming bloody murder and the destruction of their careers?
Thanks elissa, good links. Numbers are troubling and the sad fact is that we can solve this problem or at least minimize it significantly by education, resources and help to families and people who need is and zero tolerance policy for violence. Hope we will.
Hi Tasach
Here are two very quick links from the CDC for the United States of America – Life time prevalence of Rape, Physical violence, and/or Stalking by an Intimate partner. Please note the 2010 U.S. totals for male and female victims at the top of each table.
Women: http://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/nisvs/state_tables_74.html
Men: http://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/nisvs/state_tables_75.html
Thanks one and all for your comments. This is about engagement and conversation and I am honored you felt inclined to jump in. To address a few points: 1. This was researched and there are hyperlinks to materials. 2. Although men are also subject to domestic abuse (mentioned in the piece), it is mainly from other men and at a much lower rate than women and children, which still suffer most of the abuse and damage. A worldwide critical problem. 3. I focused on the main problem which was all over the news recently due to the NFL players violence.… Read more »
@ Tsach Gilboa When I made my comment, only part of it was annoyance. The other part of it was curiosity and I think it’s something you should have looked at. You noted that women and children are affected by DV in different ways. In what ways are men affected? Are they different than in the ways that women or children are affected? It would be interesting to see the research and if there is a dearth of research then of course that could have been broached and maybe speculated on why that is. I suspect that one difference is… Read more »
Lesbian relationships have a 44% domestic violence rate!!! That’s more than heterosexual and gay relationship domestic violence rates.
So make a comment with a bunch of lies without any citation or evidence to back them up. Make excuses to why you ignored men, and told other commentators that they need to back up their claims with evidence? You are sounding rather hypocritical don’t you think?
“2. Although men are also subject to domestic abuse (mentioned in the piece), it is mainly from other men and at a much lower rate than women and children, which still suffer most of the abuse and damage. A worldwide critical problem. – See more at: https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/hitting-women-children-men-period-tsg/comment-page-1/#comment-1850789“ . At this point you’re simply being deceptive. Women instigate more than men. When both couples participate the man is more often injured. In addition to the other articles and studies I linked to, there’s: http://psychnews.psychiatryonline.org/newsArticle.aspx?articleid=111137 . “Regarding perpetration of violence, more women than men (25 percent versus 11 percent) were responsible. In… Read more »
C”mon guys …. We’ve been saying this for how long now? These articles are purposeful and intended to be what they are. Tcach isn’t new to this site, the editors discuss and decide which articles appear. Yes,it could have easily been adapted to be all inclusive.
If I recall not too long ago GMP heard men loud and clear about these issues yet has purposely chosen to ignore what “men” asked for. It’s a feminist site that appears to have no intention of changing. That’s not to say they won’t throw us a bone once in a while.
What is also missing from this piece is that WOMEN not MEN abuse their children more, specifically mothers.
This article is obsolete, domestic violence should be treated as a non gendered issue. Women who abuse their men also abuse their children. Anyone who claims DV to be a gender issue is dishonest and the work should be discarded as unreliable.
That’s because the focus of the piece was on women and children who are more likely to be victims of domestic violence and also more likely to be reported. I mentioned men as well as since men are definitely subject to domestic violence in both straight and gay relationships. That might be the next piece…
But, that’s not true at all. I’d recommend doing some actual research before writing an article like this. It’s been known since the ’70s that women are just as likely to abuse their partner as men are. There’s asserttions about how women are more hurt by the violence than men are, but that’s not something that’s ever been demonstrated by studies. The studies are mostly observational and failing to address the differences in interpretation between men and women. What’s more, there’s no actual evidence that physical abuse is any more harmful than psychological abuse in most cases. Yes, nobody dies… Read more »
“But, that’s not true at all. I’d recommend doing some actual research before writing an article like this. It’s been known since the ’70s that women are just as likely to abuse their partner as men are” Quite right. It could be argued that the most helpless are children. At lest a woman can pickup a phone and call help. According to the child maltreatment study mothers are twice as likely as fathers to murder their own children. Additionally, the #1 indicator of a woman’s injuries from DV is her own violence. It’s time to start underscoring the agency of… Read more »
OP: That might be the next piece…
“Might’ be the next piece?
Why does it take two pieces to treat domestic violence as a non-gendered issue?
All you’d have to do is say “Why hitting people is not what people do” or failing that “Why hitting men, women and children is not what people do” then talk about these things.
See?
I look forward to awaiting your next piece that “Might” be written and published. But I won’t be holding my breath.
You dont need to make two pieces you can just do one piece all encompassing….
“It is important to note that there are serious and catastrophic effects to domestic violence against women, men and children, as outlined in the Futures Without Violence fact sheet:
“Effects of Domestic Violence on Women:”
“Effects of domestic violence on Children,”
Why do I feel there was something left out?
Because women gain additional protection status alongside children. Men are seen as agents who are responsible for their own protection, women are seen as fragile little victims (when it benefits them?) alongside children. Look at comments about violence online,some people act like a woman can only do like 100grams of force in a punch yet men hit with the power of a thousand suns. Some people act like women are just big children basically yet men should nevvverrr hit a woman. Society cares far more when women or children are harmed, hell just look at #bringbackourgirls and the lack of… Read more »
It’s obscene. Even accounting for time spent with them women abuse their children more than men do. The internet makes it increasingly difficult to conceal the abuse and suffering women inflict on men, children, and other women. So–protest. Insist the goodmenproject runs articles equivalent in number to how and how often abuse actually happens. . This year USA Today and even Slate XX actually noticed the epidemic of rape and sexual assault by women. http://www.slate.com/articles/double_x/doublex/2014/04/male_rape_in_america_a_new_study_reveals_that_men_are_sexually_assaulted.html http://www.usatoday.com/story/opinion/2014/09/22/rape-cdc-numbers-misleading-definition-date-forced-sexual-assault-column/16007089/ . “New CDC report reveals troubling equality when it comes to sexual assault rates.” “If the CDC figures are to be taken at face… Read more »