Don’t believe it happens? Let Ron Mattocks tell you how his wife mentally abused him and how it ruined his social life, his career, and left him ready to commit suicide. Then find out how he turned things around.
I remember exactly what went through my mind at the suggestion that I had been emotionally abused by my now ex-wife. Horseshit. The very idea sounded ludicrous. I had been an all-state athlete, an Infantry Captain, and an accomplished corporate executive—positions that required strength and mental toughness. The only halfway legitimate version of an abusive wife I could conceive was that of a 400-pound woman squashing her rail-thin, hen-pecked husband because he forgot to bring home the extra side of gravy she wanted from KFC—fodder for Jerry Springer, Tyra, and all those talk shows that specialize in bringing off-the-chart social dysfunction to the masses. I don’t think so, girlfriend. I knew who my baby mama was, and I didn’t need a paternity test to prove that the three boys born during eight years of matrimony were mine. On the other hand, I would be quick to admit that our blessed union was anything but.
The longer our marriage lasted the more my wife and I fought. Early on we attributed it to the bumps that come after the honeymoon period—except there never was a honeymoon period to begin with. Still, we rolled with it; during truces, we even joked about how I just needed to learn that timeless truth upon which every successful marriage is built: the husband is always wrong. But it was no laughing matter.
Our arguments got worse, sometimes with me smashing whatever object was nearby—a reaction that, by its virtue, automatically negated my position, valid or not. In time, my anger issues were singled out as the culprit behind all our problems. Oddly enough, I never had any anger issues prior to meeting my wife, a detail that bothered me. Knowing my behavior was considered to be a form of abuse, I was terrified at the prospect of being a monster. That wasn’t me. It had always taken a lot to make me see red, and yet, regardless of my efforts to maintain control, I was throwing more and more glasses against walls. It had to stop; and so, to avoid the slightest hint of conflict, I made sure to back down early and often.
However, even this failed to curb my wife’s growing unhappiness, a sentiment I attributed to her disdain for military life. Being a career Army officer had been my lone dream since childhood, and my bride-to-be knew what she was marrying into when she said “I do.” Yet despite promises to support me, she wasn’t shy in expressing her contempt for my chosen profession, making sure to tack on her prediction that, if forced to choose, I’d pick the Army over our family every time. Not true. And either consciously or subconsciously, I began sabotaging what, until then, had been viewed by my superiors as a very promising future. Shortly thereafter I left active duty—three months prior to September 11.
♦◊♦
In making this choice, I hoped my wife would recognize where my real allegiance lay, and as a result, our marriage would improve. Instead, she claimed that I would only resent her as the reason behind giving up my dream. Things didn’t improve, not even with the rapid promotions I earned, affording my wife the lifestyle she had spoken often of wanting. I sunk into a deep depression and, after another blowup, agreed to seek counseling for anger issues. I felt better having someone to talk to in the form of my therapist; but even so, determining the source of my anger proved to be elusive.
Soon thereafter, I was promoted again, this time to a corporate-level position, a move that created new friction with my wife. She resented that it required me to be more socially active, attending corporate dinners, participating in charity events, and traveling to other parts of the country. Coming home from work, I had to endure several hours of passive-aggressive silence before being forced to talk things out once I had gone to bed.
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When she asked if I was ever going to be a man, I answered with my new standard reaction—tears and silence.
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These so-called “talks” usually boiled down to her latest item among a growing list of petty criticisms: I hung pictures too high, I made the bed the wrong way, I didn’t put the dishrag in the right place, I folded T-shirts poorly—all things I did to help around the house. Eventually, to avoid these evenings of eggshell-walking, I began staying at the office until I knew she was asleep.
Sex was a rarity. I quipped to my therapist that there were three verifiable encounters that I could recall, and that’s only because they resulted in an equal number of children. On the off chance my wife did act interested, she’d shut off soon after starting. For our anniversary, she decorated the bedroom and wore lingerie, before then going on a diatribe, guilting me with every wrong I had ever committed against her.
Finally, one night I snapped. On top of the marital stresses, there were problems at my job, but my wife didn’t want to hear about it. Instead she wanted to take issue with my emotional unavailability. Months of restrained frustration erupted as I grabbed her and screamed in her face to leave me alone. I was immediately terrified. Until then, I had never laid a hand on anyone. Now I didn’t know who I was anymore. Ashamed, I broke down and left. My wife, in turn, filed a domestic abuse report with the police, thus giving her all the ammunition she needed in proving I alone was to blame for our unhappy marriage.
♦◊♦
A separation ensued, followed by reconciliation—one with a lot of conditions. I increased my therapy sessions, and at my wife’s insistence, allowed myself to be convinced that my anger stemmed from an abusive childhood (even though my life growing up was as stable as they come). Yet somehow my wife managed to twist isolated moments from my youth into a childhood fraught with abuse at the hands of my parents, none of which was remotely true. For almost a year, I agreed to cut off contact with them. Meanwhile, nastier criticisms were levied at me: she chastised my parenting with comments such as “It’s a good thing we didn’t have daughters because you would just fuck them up psychologically.” Other times she’d belittle me as being nothing more than a 14-year-old boy trying to get laid. And when she disgustingly asked if I was ever going to be a man, I answered with my new standard reaction—tears and silence.
After another one-sided argument, I admitted she was too good for me and agreed to move out. But even this did little to alleviate her control over me. When I mentioned I’d be flying to a critical corporate meeting later that week, she waited until I was boarding the plane to inform me that I would be barred from seeing my third son’s birth. This made me an emotional wreck and I performed poorly in front of our CEO. A week later I was demoted.
Thankfully, though, I did get to be there for my son’s delivery—only after she relented, reasoning that not having me there would’ve raised too many questions with the church. I will never forget that day—my wife snoozing in her hospital bed, my wrinkle-skinned son nestled in my arms, and me, slumping to the side, one career ruined, another on the verge—friendless, isolated, emasculated … suicidal.
Next: Society covers its ears
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About Ron Mattocks
Vocalyze
After reading this article, I am struck, with a metaphorical Louisville Slugger to the face, by this story.
I am a young man who has been searching, hard and long, for a path like the kind I’m seeing here on this website. Something that’s not the misogyny I saw at The Spearhead, and something that’s not the misandry I see in everyday life, even in the small things like the red incorrect-spelling line underneath the word misandry. As if the concept is so incorrect, so wrong, so completely unthinkable, that it doesn’t even exist.
Ron, your story — while tragic — was inspirational to me, because as a man who didn’t really have his Dad around, and who lost his mother slowly over time from 2 till finally at 15, I had to learn a lot about what it means to be a man all by myself. No guidance, no help. No sign at the fork in the road. Just lots of voices screaming that I was doing it wrong, whether from abusive women, or bitter men.
I found myself at the brink of suicide because of a situation just like yours. And while I didn’t throw myself off the bridge that night, I did throw off the $30,000 ring I had bought her. At the time it was either me or it.
I have no idea how you survived such messed-up abuse, but just knowing that a story like yours exists out there, and that I’m not the only one seeing these things, these crazy, horrible things that you’ve mentioned, and having to somehow make a life afterward… it’s just good to know. I mean, that. It’s something really good to know.
As for me, this is my first time here at The Good Men Project, and even though it sounds stupid to say, I feel like I’ve finally found a place where being a man doesn’t have to be a choice between a rock, and a hard place. I only hope the rest of the world can learn this too.
Thanks!
Ron’s story is a really bold one to tell and I’m glad I read it. It’s thoughtful and elucidating. I will say, however, that I’m personally really glad he posted it here and NOT on The Spearhead, as the latter is so rabidly anti-woman and filled with so much vile hatred that it’s virtually unreadable.
Instead, I’m glad to see his story here, which is a far more moderate site. Is that enough to be considered co-opting an entire movement? I sort of doubt that. Although, it wouldn’t necessarily be a bad thing to step towards the middle of the road.
Thank you Zek. I am humbled that you found inspiration in my words.
I understand that places like The Spearhead have been instrumental in pushing these issues from the beginning, but I also understand that men — especially this man — don’t need more hatred to combat hatred. I don’t want misogyny to fight misandry.
I want the voice for men to be positive, not negative. This is positive. It says something, tries to do something. The Spearhead is always condemning something or other. You can’t lead a movement by being angry all the time. You need to celebrate, and generate success, even if it’s only something insignificantly small.
Like this story.
Many women use violence by proxy to control and abuse men. Because of man-hating feminist laws such as mandatory arrest and dominant agressor policies, any woman knows that she can send any man to prison without trial or appeal by simply picking up the phone.
Anyway, that is how it happend to me. There was physical violence also, but the ultimate weapon was that my ex- would pick up the phone and ask “do you want to go to jail?” If that did not work, she would hit her mouth with the phone and split her lip. With blood everywhere, she would ask “do you think they will believe me NOW?” It was about control, and for months it worked.
I tape recorded her threats and her violence with a hidden mic and escaped the violence. Of course, it does not escape my notice that the man hating feminist state we live in provides zero protection for men who are victims of either physical violence or violence by proxy, while spending billions on 1700 women only domestic violence shelters around the nation.
And the shelters are just the tip of the ice berg. Billions more are spent on programs, financial help, and legal counsel.
All part of the feminist anti-male hate campaign. I am hardly even surprised any more.
Just so we’re clear, being feminist does NOT mean being anti-male or anti-men.
Feminist institutions, feminist laws, and feminist policies are anti-male and anti-man. If an individual person calls themselves a “feminist”, he or she is either ignorant or a hate filled bigot.
That’s patently untrue.
I agree with Zerrissen. I am feminist and am pro-male.
Read this:
http://finallyfeminism101.wordpress.com/2007/10/18/phmt-argument/
As for the author of the article, he needs to check out http://www.shrink4men.com
You have already demonstrated that you are a man-hater Kitti. What is so wrong with admitting to your hate? If you welcome it into your heart, why not welcome it into your dialogue?
I would agree that being a feminist does not, by necessity make you anti male.
However, through their writings and actions a large body of feminists are definitely anti-male. I would also suggest that since most women have no clue about what it is like to be a man, they are equally unqualified to fully understand what is meant by anti-male.
Then it should also be true that since most men have no clue about what it is like to be a female, that they are equally unqualified to fully understand what is meant by anit-female no? And that being the case, perhaps these men should take extra time to really listen to women instead of attempting to terrorize them with flagerate attempts of blowing them all off as “man-haters”.
Who is responsible for the laws and policies that allowed Antz’s abuser to hold him hostage with threats of ‘reporting his abuse’?
As usual, typhonblue, you go the heart of the matter.
Where are the articles and proposals on TGMP to start to change these laws and policies and social constructs?
Ron, I’d like to thank you for your story and sharing your experience. I think most men in these kind of circumstances struggle in a state of craziness that eventually overwhelms them. I have been loathe to discuss my personal experiences, but reading your article, I may reconsider. I remember years ago trying to discuss these issues with my family doctor. His interest extended to prescription drugs, which after taking made everything much worse.
A little story from “anger management”, I was sent to a councilor for assessment, for the first 59 minutes the person tried various tactics to trigger discontent and get me to spew out the vitriol I was “feeling”. I felt fine as long as I wasn’t around my wife. After the 59 minutes he asked “So how am I doing, would you like to come back and see me?” To which I asked “Are you asking me out on a date, Sir?” I have never seen a professional get so upset so quickly. I told him I was unimpressed, 59 minutes and no results and in 1 minute I triggered a major meltdown. He was a crappy councilor that played an emotional baiting game.
Thanks Keith. That circle of craziness is so damn vicious. When I said I was suicidal I wasn’t kidding. The psych doc loaded me up with depression pills and that only made it worse. Those drug tend to make me disengage socially–oh I smile a lot, but that’s about it. The irony is I was blamed for withdrawing too. I came across a couple articles when researching this story that were trying to figure out how this issue impacted male suicide. Right not their not sure it can be done even remotely accurate.
And you’re anger management story–totally can relate to the 59 mins of nothing but 1 min with my ex and Kaboom!
Thanks again.
Ron, once the relationship was over I found that distance and time gave me an opportunity to understand the dynamics better. Her family was very hateful of men, father an alcoholic. I found for the most part that the behavior was scripted and reflexive. I think that’s what makes it so crazy, is the extent to which it becomes predictable.
two things to consider for your body after prolonged abuse (mine was 20 years)
Anger is often a defensive posture. Prolonged anger lasting for years can cause physical pain. When the anger began to leave I felt pain all over my body, like my skin had been stretched to tight. It hurt for months, I can only assume that hormones and accompanying chemistry activated by anger put you into a defensive posture for protection and even effect your skin. I’m curious if others have noticed that it can be painful to not be angry. Most of my anger was internalized.
I tend to compartmentalize my emotional pain and will often use music to confine its parameters. What I did to alleviate the physical pain was like a stretching dance alone in the dark listening to my compartmentalized music. Stretching to somber music, seemed to release the emotional pain from my skin and bones. It’s something like stretching in the morning. I do this for up to an hour, once a week. I have found it gives a sense of gracefulness to my feelings. Try it, you may be surprised.
Thank you so much for sharing your painful story, Ron. As a woman, I’ve found it enlightening and thought-provoking. The implications of a society that refuses to view a man as a victim, or rather views men as a constant potential threat, is heart-breaking. As unlikely as it may sound, this cultural perspective is incredibly damaging for women as well. My point is this: men and women all have the capacity to become victims and perpetrators of violence. Accepting this equal capacity is part of what I like to think of as true feminist thinking. The man-hating “feminism” (if you can even call it that) that AntZ refers to, is a reactionary and discriminatory backlash to past violence against women. I’m glad to see that The Good Men Project is working to avoid falling into the same trap of becoming the evil they are working against: discrimination. Thanks again for being at the front lines of liberation for all!
Thank you for more eloquently writing what I was thinking in response to AntZ’s comment.
@Alison
This is the issue that brought me into the MRM. I posted a comment on “feministe” asking for help, and was ridiculed and humiliated. They later voted me “runner up for most hated man of the year.” Here is my comment, word for word, posted on “feministe” November of last year:
“British Airways, Qantas, and Air New Zealand all have an explicit policy prohibiting any adult male from sitting next to an unaccompanied child, even when the child’s parents are elsewhere on the aircraft. If no way can be found to re-arrange passengers to accommodate this openly anti-male rule, the man is ejected from the aircraft. This despite the fact that there has never been a case of child abuse on an aircraft. How is this example, one of thousands, not a case of institutional sexism experienced by men? The presumption of male guilt is something that men face every day.”
Feminists are PROMOTING the idea that all men are deranged predators who cannot be trusted around vulnerable people.
Feminism declared war on men THIRTY YEARS before men began fighting back.
If you want an example of the raw, extreme, violent hatred that feminists feel for any man who asks for help in fighting anti-male sexism, search the “feministe” site for “FNTT Season 7: the But, Wait, Have You Thought About The Men? round”
The idea that a man can every be a victim of anything is contrary to the feminist war against men. Men must be accepted as heartless beasts for women to feel comfortable with the coming extermination phase of their war.
How is this example, one of thousands, not a case of institutional sexism experienced by men? The presumption of male guilt is something that men face every day.
Despite what you folks may think about AntZ there is validity to this. I know the entire movement doesn’t feel this way however when something like this makes it onto finallyfeminism101 then its at least a sign that a good number of feminists agree with the idea that there is no such thing as sexism against men. But I think AntZ is being generous with using “institutional” as I said according to many feminists there no such thing as sexism against men in any way shape or form.
Which is pretty odd. They claim that an individual woman can’t be sexist against a man because she doesn’t have any institutional power while at the same time saying that an individual man can be sexist against a woman simply because he is male and therefore has institutional power. Yet we are supposed to believe they don’t individual men responsible for patriarchy.
And I also have my own horror stories at feministe.
Maybe you were ridiculed because you implied that all feminists feel “raw, violent” hatred towards men _on a feminist website_, you ass.
Thanks Alison. Well said. This is such an emotional issue for everyone that it’s hard to keep the pendulum from swinging to extremes. At some point, hopefully soon, we need to reach a state of balance. I’m not sure that’s 100% entirely realistic, but we need to try. I have nothing against feminist–in fact this article was in no way meant to be interpreted as anti-feminist. The feminists I know and respect are the ones who see it as an equality platform and they are just as mortified by men being victims as women. It;s like anything else, though, where radicals on both extremes give their position a bad rep.
Thanks again Alison
YES – equality is exactly what I want. Women and Men are people, and we need to treat each other with respect.
Balance will occur when there are 1700 men’s domestic violence shelters to match the 1700 women’s.
Balance will occur when there are 800 men only scholarships to match the 800 women’s.
Balance will occur when fathers have a chance to ask for custody of their children in family court.
Balance will occur when law enforcement “serves and protects” both women AND men … instead of seeing every man as an opportunity to break bones and make an arrest.
Balance will occur when our school systems permit male teachers to instruct our children.
Balance will occur when our schools do not treat boys as defective girls, who must be re-engineered with Ritalin and other dangerous drugs.
Balance will occur when THE FEMINIST HATE MOVEMENT ENDS!
And the MRM of actual equality wins!
Beautifully said Alison.
Its good to see you doing better.
“prevailing patriarchal conception of intimate partner violence led to a systematic reluctance to study women who psychologically and physically abuse their male partners.”
And that’s a part of the problem. Its not just patriarchy that stopping people from studying abusive women. its some of the very people who claim to be fighting patriarchy that don’t want those women studied for fear of realizing that maybe just maybe “its something men do to women” is not a part of the very definition of intimate partner violence.
The man-hating “feminism” (if you can even call it that) that AntZ refers to, is a reactionary and discriminatory backlash to past violence against women
That’s not the only fuel in that fire.
At some point we as a culture need to accept that equality means just that in every aspect of our lives personally and professionally as men and women. We all can be victims. Once we get to such a place then we can more effectively deal with these sorts of issues. As you allude to, fear of finding the truth that would lead us to this realization is what’s holding us back.
Thanks Danny
We can only get to this point when the feminist anti-boy hate campaign ends.
Yes anyone can be an abuser and its not helping anyone (especially their victims) to give people a free pass on their abusive behavior because they are a woman, or are rich, or are etc….
Babe are you posting on the run again?
Don, thank you for writing this and I’m so sorry that you had such an awful experience. You’re right to bring attention to the issue of women as abusers, but as a feminist, I have to take issue with your statement that we will try to spin this to be the woman’s fault and make you into the man-bear-pig or whatever. I believe that your ex-wife was abusive and obviously seriously messed up and that you didn’t deserve that treatment. She was a shitty person. Shocker: I like men quite a bit and not all feminists will automatically take the woman’s side. I think it’s important for everyone to ALWAYS take allegations of abuse seriously regardless of the gender of the abuser. I wish these conversations didn’t devolve into proving that women are abusers too therefore we live in a world that hates men. Or something. It’s not very logical. But to the commenters referring to the societal ignoring of IPV against men: freaking do something about it instead of complaining about how the world hates men on various forums. Why don’t you fundraise to open a shelter, advocate for better policing and identification of women as abusers, if you have been abused get your story out there. This is not a zero-sum game. Just because there is money and resources devoted to violence against women does not mean that there is nothing left for the men. Do. Something.
B. Thank you. I should probably qualify my mention of feminism as a representation of the extremes—the manly men and the militant feminists. These polarized mindsets are what keep this and similar issues in the dark. In no way did I mean to turn this into anti-feminist platform. In fact true feminists, in my view, are the ones who see their platform as being about equality, not domination. Are their laws and policies that are tipped in the favor of women? Unfortunately, yes. When we use the ideologies behind feminism, race, religion, etc to tip the scales in our favor, then the issue is no longer about equality, it’s about retribution. Once we can get society to understand that equality is just that—equal and fair treatment then we can start to deal with these and similar issues. I 100% agree with you men having a responsibility to bring attention to this and similar issues. In fact, my platform is that I think equality-minded men should adopt the same stance as feminists and take the initiative in fighting for fair treatment just as women have done over the past decades. In a small way, that what I hoped sharing my story would be about. Thanks for a great comment.
Thanks for qualifying. I think my response was more aimed at the commenters (like darling E. above) and also my growing weariness with this MRM series, so my apologies if I sounded a little aggressive. I think you’re putting forth a wonderful platform, and only positive things can come out of bringing attention to non-traditional gender roles (ie men as victims; women as abusers), be it via positive or negative stories. I’m sorry that yours is one of the latter, but thank you again for sharing!
No. Didn’t take it as aggressive. In fact I’m glad you brought it up. Somehow this topic has gone from awareness that women can be abusive to a debate over the “evils” of feminism.
bananagram, I have a very straightforward question: should feminist women and feminist men take some personal responsibility for addressing INSTITUIONALIZED discrimination against men who are victims of abuse and against men’s access to children at the minimum 35% level all the psych studies show are needed to maintain parental-child relationship?
You’re wrong. There is nothing left for men, because it already all goes to feminists and their propaganda machine of male-hate. Which induces even more women and men to give them even more funding.
However, once enough “complaining” has been done, and often enough these kinds of stories get told, they will arrive in the main stream, including tv. The result will be more knowledge of the truth, and that will mean the feminist strangle-hold on the funds in women’s, but especially men’s wallets will become less. More funding will become available to the MRM, and less to the hate groups of NOW, not that they’ll lose the countless millions of government funding anytime soon.
And that, will bring forth the shelters for men.
B. Thanks for your thread.. YES not all women are feminists.. as thankful as I am for the women’s movement who fought for our right to vote.. during their ‘movemen’t their agenda didn’t include the needs of mothers.. their movement overlooked how their plight would affect mothers and their children….
My body tenses when my son (7) arrives home with his planner.. I say ‘now what?’ To them my son isn’t contained enough! He doesn’t jump when they want him to.. he doesn’t sit when they want him to.. etc etc.. the thing is I’m not a pushover.. I question them back.. ‘Let me get this right, you want me to take the manhood out of my son?’ I will not EVER have anyone do this to my son.. to me this is bullying and schools systems are designed for ‘girls’ not boys.. and most teachers are women!! I love my womanhood.. though I am not blinded by their ignorance..
As for men.. yes get together.. leave hatred and judgmentalism at the door and help your brothers.. how do you think we women do it??? whining and calling names doesn’t help your brother who is hurting.. as a mother.. I am doing all I can fighting the world view as it is at this moment.. when my son is a man.. tell this mother how are you going to invite him into manhood and help him should he experience something like this story that has moved us!!!
Ron, I can only imagine how hard this was for you to write, but thank you for putting it out there. It is baffling to me that we as a society continue to deny the atrocities we perpetuate upon each other – both male AND female. Just because women typically abuse emotionally and manipulatively, does not make it any less destructive.
On a side note, arguments over “feminism” and how it is “man-hating” depress the hell out of me. Feminism was always about the pursuit of EQUALITY, not the reverse of misogyny. But I suppose that’s a good example of the power of words.
Thank you Keely, I think you really nail it saying that it’s a matter of denying that these hurts are perpetrated equally across genders and that’s what’s ignored.
I’m also 100% with you the what feminism is, My remarks were in reference to the extremes that are influencing men’s reticence to come forward. The feminists I know and “cavort” with are about equality. We need to bring the pendulum into balance if we’re ever going to deal with this and other such issues effectively. Thanks again.
Like me noone believes or will support soft hearted tender caring sensitive men who are abused/neglected takin advantage of besides men like me hide it for fear ppl think your weak, idiot or dumb or a liar so like me we hide issues.. but then noone believes it anyway… so we suffer alone…like i am..and with kids..
I STILL STRUGLE ALONE AN ME BEING THE VICTIM WITH MY BOYS, I AM THE ONE WHO HAS CYS/CHILD WELFARE BUGGIN AN COMING EVERYWEEK AN A PARENT COUSELOR AND HAVE TAKE BOYS TO PSYCHOLOGIST EVERY WEEK AN PAY ALL COURT COSTS ATTORNEY FEES AND HARRASSED BY THEIR MA AND NOONE WILL HELP.. WHAT UP WITH THIS PIC, I LIVE IN FEAR EVERYDAY LOOKING OUT WINDOW AS LIKE THINKN WATS GOING BE NEXT …..I AM DISTRESSED IN STRESS NEVER GET OUT OF MY HOUSE DO SCHOOL ONLINE AT NIGHT DONT SLEEP HARDLY BARELY EATING YET TAKIN CARE MY BOYS JUS FINE…. YET AM HURTING, ALONE, AN NO SUPPORT
Can you use technology to discredit your abuser?
I think you know that, without video proof, there is no help out there for you. If you call the police you go to jail because you are a man and the man always goes to jail. I know many people will tell you “it is illegal to record someone without their consent”, however it may never come up in court. If you have strong recorded evidence of your abuser doing all the things that women do, you can probably use that to your advantage, maybe not in court, but a prosecutor may look at it. Also, she may agree to stop abusing you to prevent friends/family from seeing who she really is.
For sure do not call police or ask for restraining order unless you have strong proof. Also, do not go to DV shelters, because they will call cops on you.
Good luck.
I hear your pain and I understand how you feel so alone in the world where nobody can be bothered to care. I got that T-shirt too.
Take care of yourself, get a recording device and definitely keep talking about it.
You would probably like Dr. T’s blog, everybody is very compassionate and understanding.
http://www.shrink4men.com
I tested my recording device many times, to make sure that the location was both secure and effective in capturing the violence. I made so many mistakes early on, that I was determined to approach my recording plan (which I though of as my last hope) as professionally as I could.
thank you for writing this. It’s so important to have this type of thing out there, this type of emotional abuse is so damaging, I’ve witnessed it myself in my younger brother’s marriage, its breakup and his attempt to pick up and be a good dad to the baby who was born after their breakup.
it’s a messy world we live in, a messy society, and men and women are not really on opposite sides. too bad we can’t start getting it together and supporting each other rather than tearing each other down. and I mean that collectively, and in relationships.
oh dear. can you please make it so that my picture does not appear???
I know one relationship where the woman’s feminism has made her blind to the fact that she is the abusive one. (BTW, I support honest, reflexive feminism.) She acts like a lawyer with him, and every encounter is about winning the argument. She’s pretty good at getting him to errupt verbally– so he looks like the one in the wrong.
Feminism changed the balance of power. I know a woman who moved to this country who was horribly abused. Her husband followed and tried to hit her here. She threatened to call the cops and it stopped the years of abuse. Then, she abused him back for years.
My point is that humans do not seem very responsible with power or how to use it draw the best from ourselves and people in our lives.
We abuse it. We have few examples of how powerful, respectful, loving, sex-charged male/female dynamics function. Humans embrace tragedy. Where there isn’t one, they will create one. We are still evolving. Women need to stop with the insecurities. They are very destructive.
You are correct Heather. Men and Women are EQUALLY capable of both great good, and great evil. Howe we lost sight of this, I do not know.
The saddest manifestation of this collective insanity is that many of the women who do terrible things in response to feminist urging might otherwise have been good, decent people who would never intentionally harm another person.
There is a book by James Hollis called “Why good people do bad things – understanding our darker selves” that is insightful in explaining the effect that feminism has had on society. At first I thought it made for pretty depressing reading, but I have come to see the conclusions as hopeful.
I hope you will find you won path to hope.
I believe you entirely. And I’m glad to read that coda at the end about your new life. The whole piece was so well written. Congrats on telling a compelling story.
Thank you Laura. I appreciate the kind words.
This is the first story here I do not fully agree with
sorry guys…
This is how I see it.. do abusers exist?? hell yeah!! this includes Men and Women!!! Women have got away with it in the past because of their damsel in distress behaviour and men seem to swarm like bees to them… I see it everyday.. I do agree that its about time men spoke up and did something about it rather than ‘be a man and take it’ attitude!! My opinion is victimizing yourself, is all to do with self worth.. No one has power over you unless you knowingly or unknowingly hand over your power. Also if we compassionately look away from our pain and into the abusers life without resentment we’d see things from a different POV.. its an idea to think about.. it can bring healing to our own pain.. it was hard work though when I understood my ex’s pain I understood all he was doing was crying for help! Believe me he mentally put me through the ringer!!! Just like myself he had a very sad and traumatizing childhood.. Do we get along today.. NO.. though I do understand his pain… I have compassion.. though I am sure not to enable his abusive behaviour… I can’t change him.. I can change myself.. Every action is a form of communication.. even a plate thrown at you across the room.. I hope I haven’t offended anyone.. saying this.. I will not allow someone abusing someone in my presence.. man or woman..
what exactly do you disagree with?
I think your comments mirror Ron’s pretty well.
AJ: I do not disagree with Ron… I was trying to make a point… a point I didn’t clarify clearly… abusers are hurting as much as victims are hurting.. the abusers pain is far too deep and invisible because their atrocities are far too visable.. we’re all human beings.. I’m not taking her side.. I’m putting the spotlight on a POV without judging anyone..
To Ron’s Ex Wife: if you read this… as a mother I compassionately ask you to seek help with finding more effective coping skills when your frustrations arise.. I’m not here to judge anyone.. there are always two sides to a story… we’ve not heard yours… though I don’t see how anyone can create such a story like this without truly experiencing it.. it’s time you healed and found peace.. peace for you and your children
Peace to you and your family Ron… peace to you too ‘Ex Wife’
I don’t feel sorry for the abuser at all. At some point we all grow up and make choices. As an abused child I grew up and I could have chosen to not get help and risk hurting my children. I chose not to because, while I am selfish, I’m not that selfish. When my husband almost left me, I could have not listened to him, continued to blow him off as “not knowing what real abuse is”. I could have told him he was full of it. I chose to listen and then to do something about it.
At SOME point you know you are wrong and it’s that moment when you go from victim to perpetrator. I agree that they do not know how to deal with their frustrations, that’s where I found myself. Not knowing how to react properly and only reacting and in a way that I’d been taught. But when my error became apparent it wasn’t difficult to reach out and find someone willing to help me find the best way for me, even though I was flat broke and not working. I will never be able to release the anger, I will never be able to get angry and not feel that hard knot of violence, that desperation to hit. But instead of telling me not to feel that, I was taught to redirect it into a well worn punching bag. Into taking a walk until I could work through it.
It IS hard to keep your temper when there are no bounds. It’s hard to fight the urge to hit someone and stop them from frustrating you. But it CAN be done if you can bring yourself to care more for someone else than yourself. I do not feel sorry for them, at some point they made their choice.
There are no excuses for those actions, mine or anyone else. I can offer my childhood as a reason, but if I know enough to blame that then I know enough to fix it. Every one of us should be ready to move on, but none of us should ever forget that the monster lurks there forever. To never be proud that we’ve overcome, because like an addict it’s one day at a time. It would have been so easy to fall back into that behavior when I went deaf, but that’s an excuse to lose control guilt free. Only the selfish want that excuse. The rest of us do the best we can.
Clark deserves to be applauded for doing what so many cannot do. He did the hard thing and put it behind him and uses his story to help others. He didn’t fall as I and many others did.
Jalestra the difference between you and I.. I DO have compasion for the abuser as much as the victim.. you once had that light bulb moment at once or gradually.. but it happened for you! My ex hasn’t yet! Should I give up on him??? No.. he is a human being who is hurting.. who doesn’t yet see the ‘light’… I have to deal with him because we have children together… yes!!! But MY life did a 360 degree change when I saw his pain.. so I removed myself from the cycle!!!! so when he is doing the abusing.. it doesn’t affect me anymore.. perhaps I’m far too patient… but I’m a believer in everyone’s ability to make a change.. I will wait until his rock bottom occurs.. especially for my children’s sake..
I can’t speak for Ron.. but this is what I read and understand.. he can’t change the abuser.. but HE made the change… removing himself from the abusive cycle.. all I am asking from everyone.. please don’t finger point and judge people because of the pain they are causing others. because they are hurting toooo… blaming chastising will not make them stop the hurt they cause!!! It’ll do the opposite!!!
I don’t see any disagreement here. Unless you’re inferring that I am playing the victim here? I can assure you that wasn’t my intent –it was an issue put into context is all. I’ve moved on. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
thank you for speaking out. I have a lifelong friend who has been the victim of abuse in most of his relationships, my first introduction to the fact that women can and do abuse. I applaud your bravery in posting your story.
Thank you Frelle. I hope your friend has escaped the cycle.
Some of the lessons I’ve gotten from mainstream feminism:
1. Women are just as capable as men everything
2. Women have incredible power inside them
Given these assumptions, I don’t see why anyone would think that there would be no women who are capable of being abusive. If men can be abusive, and women can do anything men can do, then women can be abusive. (I think that’s just simple logic. Is that the Transitive Principle?)
Years ago, the comedian Phil Hartman was killed by his wife. I remember a lot of the media coverage was about the fact that she was mentally ill, but I don’t remember any mention of the idea that he was a victim of domestic violence. I remember there was not much outrage at the time, except to say that mental health needs to be a bigger national priority. When Steve McNair died at the hands of his ex-mistress, the whole thing was treated as a joke along the lines of “he deserved it, and besides his career was over anyway” or “wow, those football players have risky lives, don’t they?”
Some double standard eh? All too often a man gets murdered by his wife and she can claim that she was a victim of abuse to get a lenient sentence. Men even talking about abuse are disparaged and disbelieved by both men and women. It’s no suprise that men don’t talk about these things and don’t report them to the police, men know what they can expect from an uncaring society that treats them as disposable.
“… When Steve McNair died at the hands of his ex-mistress, the whole thing was treated as a joke … ”
I once complied a list of the most anti-male moveis of all time. Many fellow MRM were surprised that my #1 pick was not a feminist flick like “Thelma and Louise”. Instead, I picked an action comedy called “The Mummy”. Why? There were so many men whose deaths were made into a joke that I sopped counting after 100. Also, the men who died were all members of a selfless organization of men dedicated to protecting the world from the big bad boss. The movie made the deaths of these heroes into a joke.
I see our treatment of the fallen heroes of our foreign wars slowly wandering in the same direction. The dying and suffering of men is quickly becoming America’s biggest source for comic relief. How did we become so misandrist?
Ron,
So sorry to read about this, but so glad to have had the privilege of seeing where you are now (and with whom you are now). I’m sure writing this was hard, but I’m also sure it helped someone who read it.
Thanks, man.
Resentment can be incredibly toxic–ESPECIALLY during the baby years. I took out so much of my anger on my very sweet husband when my kids were younger. It never looked like what you’ve described but I see how it happens.
Thank you for speaking out.
I am sorry to probe into what must be painful memories. If I may ask, what made you treat him that way? Was it because he was weak, and some part of you expected him to be strong?
I do not know very much about women. My wife tells me that my shy and conflict avoiding personality likely led my ex- to feel so insecure that she turned to violence against me. The violence made me even more likely to capitulate to everything that she wanted, which only made things worse, etc.
To be honest, I have no idea.
Just curious. Thanks for your answer.
Thanks for sharing that Ann…. see why I stick to all the funny writing? =-)
Ron,
There’s an old Lenny Bruce bit about staying in an abusive relationship that always spoke to me.
First man: I’m finally out of it. My marriage was the worst nightmare ever. But thank God, it’s over. I’m finished with her. I’m free and clear.
Second man: That’s great. How’d you do it?
First man: She left me.
You know, I’m real sorry you had to go through that. At one time I was that woman.
I was an abused child (step-father) and when I moved out I swore I would never be someone’s victim again. However, I knew the cycle of abuse and I didn’t want to abuse my children so I went into counseling. It worked, I never hit my kids. I went back to school and during that time I found a wonderful man. After a year I walked in to find him packed up and leaving me. He told me he couldn’t put up with the abuse anymore. At first I blew him off. I mean, jeez that’s not abuse! But it was and as he spoke he broke down and cried and I saw that I was a monster. The monster I dodged with my kids was redirected to him. Your checklist is all too familiar
I asked for a second chance even though I told him that he had no reason to trust me. Thankfully he gave me that and 12 years later we are still happily married. I went to a new counselor who seriously understood what I was doing to him and she helped me (without medication). I’m sorry it didn’t work out like that for you and I hope things are better for you. Abused men do happen and if women don’t speak up and try to help them then they are no better than the men who never spoke up for them. I’m a big supporter of recognizing and helping abused men.
Jalestra… I commend you to own your responsibility in causing pain to your husband. It truly takes a humble person to know what you have done to another human being.
You are an example of who I speak of.. the Abuser hurting as much as the Victim… I hope Ron’s awful story of abuse again reminds you the priceless gift you have been given back.. your relationship.. what an amazing man you are married to.. for him to step back into the circle of trust and have faith in your love than your actions.. it seems to me he found found faith in the ‘real you’ deep inside.. that truly takes humility..
Yes, Ron’s story does remind me of what I put him through and how lucky I am that he gave me that chance.
To be perfectly honest, your husband was a fool to take you back. I’m sorry to say that, as you have obviously done a lot of work on yourself. However, most abusers (men AND women) simply stop for awhile and then continue the cycle.