Shawn Henfling asks how does a dad navigate the dangerous waters of the Teen World without alienating his daughter but still keeping her safe?
—
Parenting can sometimes be a surprise punch in the gut. Just when you think things are working out, that you’ve got the game licked, something comes along and knocks the wind right out of your sails. I can remember sitting in judgment of some parents, thinking to myself, “there is no way I’d let my son/daughter get away with that.” Well, a funny thing happened on my way to the perfect parent award: I did let them. Sometimes I did so willingly, allowing them to make their own mistakes and learn from them. Occasionally, I did so grudgingly, knowing full well the consequences, but understanding the battle would ultimately be lost. Sometimes, I fought the good fight and lost anyway. There are always consequences, but unless you’ve been there, you don’t know the pain of watching your child make a mistake with a predictably painful outcome. At some point in this journey, I realized kids, especially teenagers, have a mind of their own. No matter how much you coach, cajole, bribe, forbid or punish, there are some things they’ll just have to learn on their own. And so it was this evening after work.
If you know me, even in passing, you know I’m proud of my daughter and her mature nature. I marvel at her critical thinking skills and how well she thinks around corners. I look at my beautiful 14 year-old and must force myself to see the young lady she is rapidly becoming, despite my resistance. To say I approve of some of her older friends enthusiastically is not an understatement, it’s an outright lie. However, we must choose our friends on our own and learn from those mistakes. I gut that out with small wins on curfews, chaperones, etc. I’m a progressive father dammit, and I won’t overreact to that kind of thing.
It’s fall, and with that we have the joyous return of high school football and the celebrated Friday Night Lights. She wants to watch the game? Sure. No problem. I’m good with that. Hang out with friends? Sweet. Be social, have a blast. I’m prepared for this! Until….”Mom says I have to talk to you about Homecoming.” Wait….What? Huh? Ok….deep breath Shawn. This is easy. “Sure kiddo, what about it?” And that’s when my progressive prepared parenthood feeling took a vacation. I think, perhaps, that part of me is sitting on a beach in Brazil, taking in the sights.
“I’m going with a boy.” BOOM. Sucker punch. I’m pretty sure I swallowed a testicle. Really? A boy? Sure. Fine. She is fourteen after all. Hormones, development, growing up, birds, bees, PENISES. No…not that, no. Think happy thoughts. “Well good hon, is that all?” No. You’ve heard me talk about him. Oh God no. Not him. No. Not him. Please not him. “Oh really, is it Ronaldo? (That’s not his real name. I’m not going there.) Please not Ronaldo. Almost anyone but Ronaldo. “Yes. That’s him, but we’re going as friends.” Oh, well that’s not too bad. Friends. Ronaldo is 18. He doesn’t want to be friends. Ronaldo has A PENIS. “Ok kiddo, but when he picks you up, he has to come in and meet me.” “Shawn, I’m meeting him there, it isn’t a date. Jeez.” Crisis averted right?
WRONG. I’m sitting in the truck headed to K-Mart, with my very smelly fresh from volleyball practice daughter. I need to pick up my anti-depressant refill at the pharmacy. Just now, I’m glad I’m getting them. It’s quiet except for the sound of my Rob Zombie station on Pandora playing through the radio. I can’t tell you what song was on, but you get the idea. I’m stewing. Thinking. Happy. Thoughts. Intuition and my own pessimism finally caused my mouth to utter the words, “Well, at least he isn’t your boyfriend.” “Well, mom said I should talk to you about that too.” Oh no. NO NO NO NO. “Well, I’m not really OK with that.” RONALDO HAS A PENIS. RONALDO’S PENIS IS 18 AND HE WANTS TO USE IT. My head is great for screaming inappropriate things at itself. I’m surprised more of it doesn’t force its way out of my mouth.
Timing is everything, and that’s when I parked. My daughter, for her part, volunteered to stay in the truck while I retrieved what would now, at this point, be a lifesaving prescription. I walked into K-Mart with Ronaldo, his 18 year old penis, and my sweet innocent little girl on my mind. The pharmacy tech must have asked me three times why I was there, and I stared somewhat blankly back, unable to formulate an answer. I’m a progressive prepared parent! This should be easy! It’s not. Not by a wide margin.
Teenagers, am I right? In ten years, a four year age gap probably won’t bother me. Now? Now I’m not hungry and my world is ending. Or is it? Practice what you preach, right? If I forbid it from happening, I lose that comfort level with my daughter. Once that’s gone, she can’t tell me anything. Better the devil you know, as the saying goes. Furthermore, I tell people I trust her to make smart choices. What exactly am I saying to her if my only reply is, “No, I forbid it.” Will it do any good? High school for me may have been close to 20 years ago, but I remember it well. Even the socially maladjusted introvert that I was knew how many people were hiding their dirty little escapades from parents.
This whole parenting thing? It’s quite like being a teenager again. I worry, not about math tests or whether Suzy likes me. Instead, I worry about prolonging my daughter’s innocence and her emotional wellbeing. Much like I did then, I sometimes don’t have a clue and I wing it. Now, I listen better to advice, but still sometimes choose to ignore it. Occasionally, you just have to chuck the ball up and hope something good happens. I guess that’s what I’m doing now. I’m going to talk to my wife tomorrow morning, come up with some ground rules, and let it ride. Ronaldo has a penis, but my daughter is armed with common sense and a good head on her shoulders. She’ll make mistakes, but I need to trust her enough to let her make them.
I have been together with my husband for the past 5 years only for my man to tell me that he was no longer interested in our marriage, saying that he want to leave me because he had found another woman. when i heard this i was so sad beyond measure, that i pleaded with him with every thing i had but he refused. I had to seek for help because i love him too much to let him go, i met someone on line who directed me to spell caster who helped her before. she asked me to contact… Read more »
@July: What an insensitive reply to what is essentially someone struggling to do the right thing.
I am still a young bloke (Recently married) and I too hope to have a progressive attitude to parenting any daughters I am likely to have with gender equality in mind. Unfortunately hopes and reality don’t always coincide which is what this article is essentially about.
I can only assume that you’re a woman, and frankly your reply is horrifically demeaning to someone who is actively trying to have a healthy relationship with their daughter. Shame on you.
I always find it hilarious that young dudes want girls to trust them, to just go out with them, to have one night stands, they complain women are “too had to get” (and then humiliate the ones that are “too easy” as they are not the best type to have relationships with, even though they are being easy themselves)… but when they have daughters, they are the FIRST ONES to be over protective of their daughters with dudes. They cannot lie anymore. Dudes see penises are sinning soul-sucker entities and try to protect their daughters from it, even though they… Read more »
There are a few things wrong with your assumptions. First, I wasn’t that guy in high school or college. The fact is that I was never that guy. I was too socially awkward and introverted to even consider being like that. Sexond, you assume, wrongly, that I didn’t treat my older son the same way when, in fact, I did. In his case, the girl was just two years older than him. If you’d like to critique my writing, or my story, feel free. Try very hard to leave my character out of the equation. This was all about my… Read more »
Do you see men and penises as threatening and something for women to avoid? You talk about them like they are weapons that you need to shield your daughter from. Anyway, I’m glad that you are a progressive parent who, hopefully, understands that not all girls are delicate flowers who never pursue boys- aggressively in some cases. Ask any parents with teen sons and they will tell you the scourge of girls calling their homes to speak to their sons, especially in the days of land lines (now every teenager has a cellphone and they can just call each other… Read more »
but god forbid a woman say this then its “man hating”. If a man says it, it’s just stating a truth.