Kozo Hattori explores the intersection of compassion and discipline.
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Whenever I give a talk or workshop on raising compassionate boys, the question that I get asked over and over is “what about discipline?” “How do I discipline my children if I’m trying to be compassionate?”
Tons of books have been written on disciplining children and I don’t claim to have read them all, but here is my take. Part of the problem stems from how we define discipline. Discipline is often seen as behavior modification, as in “I discipline my sons when they are acting how I don’t think they should act, so they will act like I want them to.”
But if we look at the root of the word discipline, it comes from the same root as disciple. Discipline by definition is about teaching and learning. For me, the idea of teaching someone to fish rather than giving them a fish comes to mind.
Two things are important when taking this strategy of discipline. First, this takes time. There is no quick fix. Yes, it is easier to give someone a fish who is hungry, and teaching them how to fish might mean that they will be hungry for a long time before they get the hang of fishing.
I once heard corporal punishment compared to morphine: highly effective in the short term, but with devastating side effects. When I think about discipline as a teaching process, I realize that it will take time, but in the long run, everyone benefits.
Second, this type of discipline happens 24/7. We don’t just discipline our children when they do something wrong. That is like giving someone a fishing hook and not telling them what to do with it until they accidentally stick it in someone’s eye.
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I realize that this is very philosophical, so I will offer some daily practices that I find useful. The first comes from Dr. Dan Siegel. Dr. Siegel recommends to parents that before we start disciplining a child who is not behaving, we need to HALT.
HALT is an acronym that stands for H-ungry, A-ngry, L-onely, and T-ired. When our children are not behaving like we would like them to, first make sure that they are not hungry, angry, lonely, or tired. If one of these needs is not met, then take care of that need before disciplining the child.
I find this helps me compassionately deal with most of my sons’ “problems.” One Monday morning, my son refused to change his clothes and brush his teeth for school. At one point, he screamed, “I don’t want to go to school.”
I was just about to go into old school “discipline mode,” when my wife put her arm around him and asked him what was wrong. It turned out that he had not been getting along with the kids in the playground, so he was going into the library during lunch and recess, but this week the library was closed.
If my wife had not HALTed, I would have dragged my son to school, when he was calling out for help because he was angry and lonely.
One of the surprising facts I learned as a teacher is that the number one reason why students don’t pay attention in class is not boredom or rebelliousness, but hunger. I attended a talk by a school psychologist who said that whenever she gets asked to assess a student for ADHD, her first two questions are always “what did you eat for breakfast?” and “how many hours did you sleep last night?”
If we want to teach our children while disciplining them, then we might want to consider finding out if they are hungry, tired, angry, or lonely first.
On the same note, I have found it very useful to HALT myself before I discipline my sons. I ask myself if I am hungry, angry, lonely, or tired. A classic example is how harshly I treated my sons right after I had an arguments with my wife. The anger (and sometimes loneliness) from the arguments got transferred to my sons. Being aware of our own needs helps us be better teachers and disciplinarians. [Bonus Tip: HALT yourself before getting in an argument with your spouse, as well.]
Another daily practice that has fundamentally changed how I discipline my boys comes from Shauna Shapiro and Chris White. In their book, Mindful Discipline, they state that “before jumping to correct his behavior, start by feeling your child from your heart. Take a breath into your heart, and feel his state register in your body.”
This reminds me of what I heard Teri McKeever, head coach for the U.S. women’s swim team, say about coaching. She said that athletes/students “don’t care what you know until they know that you care.” I would argue that we can’t teach/discipline our children until they know that we care.
Often times when we try to discipline our children we take on a persona of someone who doesn’t care. We withdrawal our love; we stop listening; we invade personal space; etc. Nowadays, whenever I feel the need to intervene, I try to lead with my heart. Sometimes this is as simple as hugging my sons heart to heart when they are upset. Other times, I need to breathe deeply into my heart to control my anger and frustration and activate my empathy and compassion.
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The last thing I will say about disciplining children is that often the teaching goes both ways. I have learned so much about compassion, love, and relationships from my sons, especially when they push my buttons. If we lead from our hearts, discipline can not only be a compassionate act, but also the truest form of parent education.
Related Posts
- Raising Compassionate Boys: An Experiment in Parenting
- Raising Compassionate Boys: Healing Mistakes
- You Can Teach Compassion to Your Son (and Yourself!)
– See more at: https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/raising-compassionate-boys-healing-mistakes-kzh/#sthash.1GnPzQvR.dpuf
– See more at: https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/raising-compassionate-boys-healing-mistakes-kzh/#sthash.1GnPzQvR.dpuf
Photo-peasap/flickr
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Photo–Bar Fabella/Flickr
– See more at: https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/raising-compassionate-boys-healing-mistakes-kzh/#sthash.1GnPzQvR.dpuf
– See more at: https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/raising-compassionate-boys-healing-mistakes-kzh/#sthash.1GnPzQvR.dpuf
– See more at: https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/raising-compassionate-boys-healing-mistakes-kzh/#sthash.1GnPzQvR.dpuf