Darla Johnson shows you why it’s not good to be alone, and what to do about it.
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Some people become an “island” because they believe they are self-sufficient. They think they need no one else for companionship, assistance, guidance or happiness.
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If you’re in your mid-forties or older, you may have listened to Simon and Garfunkel’s song “I am a Rock.” Those words recently came to mind when I was thinking about this part of the series about people who care for someone with special needs. Since I was a child when I last heard that song, I couldn’t remember all of the lyrics, so I looked them up. (As an aside, I truly appreciate the span of musical talents my parents exposed me to—everything from the Oak Ridge Boys to Donna Summer to Jimi Hendrix). If you have a second, google the lyrics now and read through them; it won’t take you long. After you’ve read them, answer this question: do you feel better now?
I know I didn’t! I had forgotten how depressing that song really is. “I touch no one, and no one touches me.” How sad it is to choose to be an isolated island. No love, no true relationships can be formed in that manner. I sort of understand wanting to avoid a painful situation again (losing someone that was close), but that seems pretty extreme.
Some people become an “island” because they believe they are self-sufficient. They think they need no one else for companionship, assistance, guidance or happiness. They’re living a myth because no one is completely isolated from all human contact and also completely self-sufficient. A person might be for a limited amount of time, but not forever. A totally isolated person eventually develops problems (think of Tom Hank’s character, Chuck Noland, in “Castaway”). Another thing to consider is that solitary confinement is used as a punishment in correctional facilities. Why is that?
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We were hard-wired for community. We are social beings by nature. Even we introverts need human contact (in small doses, and on our terms, please—I’m only half kidding here). We would go bonkers if we had to forever be alone. No one can successfully and happily be an island. We need each other.
You have to cry out for help. It’s possible that a few people on the outside see you and admire you for how strong you seem to be…
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I dare say this is especially important if you take care of someone, and perhaps even more so if the one you care for has special needs. Caretakers have a very demanding role. They constantly give of themselves, even when it’s inconvenient, messy, and expensive. Duty calls early in the morning and late at night. It’s utterly exhausting! Even when the one you’re caring for is your own flesh-and-blood, even when the one you’re caring for is special needs and can’t help it—it’s still so hard. I understand!
Maybe you’re the primary caregiver and you don’t get much help from anyone else. Perhaps your special needs person doesn’t tolerate others well and you’re the one bearing the brunt. It could be that the feeding, medication, and clothes changing schedule is so continuous that you just never get a moment for yourself. In these situations and others, it’s easy to slip into “island” mode. But you may have already figured out that it’s not an eternally sustainable situation. Eventually, you’re going to break, if it hasn’t already happened. It’s because you can’t be an island.
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Even if what you truly need is for a person to take over some of the hands-on care you daily render, the first step to getting a much-needed break is to ask.
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What do you do now if you can relate all too well to this? You have to cry out for help. It’s possible that a few people on the outside see you and admire you for how strong you seem to be and think that you’ve got it all under control, so they don’t want to mess up a good thing. It’s also possible that someone wants to help but has no idea how to go about trying. Sadly, there are also times when others see what you have to do, and selfishly, they want no part of it—and that’s upsetting. However, we can’t force people to have empathy or behave in caring ways. But there are surely people who will step up and help out.
Where do you find such people? Here are just a few ideas: your church, workplace, friends, family members, and social agencies and organizations related to the situation/diagnosis you’re dealing with. Depending on the situation, there may be respite care workers who can come in a certain number of hours a month and give you a break. Whatever type of assistance you end up with, it will need to begin by you asking. That may be difficult and awkward at first, you may have to swallow some pride, but you will feel better if you allow someone to help.
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The kind of help you’re asking for depends on your situation as well. Maybe the “help” you want is for someone to go for a walk with you a few times a week, just to get out of the house. Perhaps having someone run errands for you would be a big relief. Asking an individual to do some light housework or fold towels could be what saves your sanity. Even if what you truly need is for a person to take over some of the hands-on care you daily render, the first step to getting a much-needed break is to ask.
So if this applies to you, please take these three steps. First, breathe deeply and begin to visualize the end result of tranquility of soul that you crave actually taking place for you. Next, think of exactly what sort of assistance would be the best thing you could ask for in your circumstances. Lastly, brainstorm a list of resources to tap into in order to locate the assistance and then begin asking. I think you’ll be glad you did. No man (or woman) is an island because we were never meant to walk alone.
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Photo: Getty Images
Unfortunately you cannot rely on anyone other than yourself for your own well being. Unless you are disabled, as you cite in your article, there is no reason you cannot be completely and totally self sufficient. This includes your emotional well being. While its nice to be able to lean on others in times of need, its not always and rarely possible to do so. Additionally leaning on others causes them emotional and physical burden which makes doing so, at best, a short term solution. Being alone and solitary is a requirement of the human existence and it is what… Read more »
Many of us have to try to become self-sufficient because we were ostracized from a group for various reasons and/or our parents created an bad atmosphere to the point where we could not go to them for help or advice.