I set aside time for almost every person in my life. Here is why I no longer do it for my children.
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I am a busy man; I work full time I also write, edit, cook and spend time with friends when possible. This is just a sample of my daily life, and it’s not unlike many of you. My schedule is full almost every moment I am awake. When I am asleep, I probably shouldn’t be.
The truth is, I enjoy being busy it gives me added purpose.
Calling our lives hectic is an understatement, it’s downright chaos some days.
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Being a husband and father to three active boys adds to the busyness. I am ok with that. My wife is busy too, she works from home, she is the PTA president, she takes care of most of the daily household duties and still manages to find time to keep track of our very energetic two-year-old. Calling our lives hectic is an understatement, it’s downright chaos some days.
Up until a few years ago, I tried to set aside time for each son. A time when I could just be alone with them one on one, or together. The time that I put away especially for daddy and son moments. No interference, nothing to distract us, and no one else involved.
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After the third son was born, I stopped. No longer do I set aside time for my kids. My schedule can’t take it, and doing so just didn’t make any sense. It wasn’t worth the hassle.
Here’s why.
To me, there is nothing more painful for a father than to disappoint your child.
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It almost never happened– Even under the best of intentions, I found that most often the time I set aside always got interrupted. Either by the other boys, the needs of the household at that moment, or just life itself. Usually, these special moments I planned, just ended up making things worse and hurting someone’s feelings. To me, there is nothing more painful for a father than to disappoint your child. Setting up these times, and building anticipation for your son, only to have them interrupted because their brother fell down the stairs is heartbreaking to them, and builds resentment.
I wasn’t there– I know it was all a mental thing with me. The times were supposed to be fun and about bonding. I simply had the most difficult time of focusing and staying in the moment. It would start before the scheduled time. My mind would be racing about all the things that needed to be done, and how behind I was going to be. My distractions and wandering mind would almost always ruin these times. To be with kids, you have to really be there. The most important thing to them is knowing you care, and that you want to be around, they can sense when you aren’t in the moment. It just wasn’t fair to them how I handled these interactions.
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My kids are more important than a clock– The realization that my children are not clients with whom I need to schedule meetings. They are part of me, and they are the most important parts. Knowing that I have to be continuously available to them and their needs was a major step. Sure I still mess up and tell them to hold on more than I should. But I need them to know and understand that no matter what, I will be available to them. Today the issues may not be that significant, but when they are, I want them to know I am here for them.
All I can do is spend time with them whenever possible, and most importantly when they are asking for it.
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Screwing up as a dad is what I do, I’ve become an expert at that. There are so many things I could do better. Do I spend enough time with my kids? I doubt it, mainly because I don’t don’t think there is such a thing as enough time when you are talking about you children. All I can do is spend time with them whenever possible, and most importantly when they are asking for it.
I will hopefully have a lot of joyful experiences with my sons over the years. Those experience will hopefully translate to beautiful memories for them long after I am gone.
Because I won’t get to schedule extra time in the end.
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Photo: JWHolland