Think Twice Before Venting About Your Devastating Breakup

Ionce heard that advice is like a quilt. You take one square from a friend, one square from your therapist, and one square from a stranger on the internet. Over time, you build a full-sized quilt from the bits and pieces that resonated with you. Today I’d like to add one more square to your relationship blanket.

Enter psychologist Ethan Kross, Ph.D., and his book, Chatter: The Voice in Our Head. I first heard about his work on The Skinny Confidential podcast. Kross specializes in taming and controlling the chatter in your brain; the voice that feeds you lies, doubts, and fears.

My biggest takeaway from his episode relates to chatter and relationship breakups. A broken heart ignites chatter in many forms, specifically in the form of negative statements and questions.

I’m not good enough.
I’m not deserving of love.
Why didn’t that person love me?
Why weren’t I good enough for them?

Surely, you can relate to these neverending brain puzzles. They keep you up at night, reduce appetite, increase anxiety, and the like. We’ve often heard that talking openly about your problems makes us feel better (hence why so many of us have therapists these days).

But what if I told you that venting actually does nothing to relieve heartache? Here’s what Ethan Kross has to say about venting: the pros, the cons, and the alternative solution to finding inner peace after a breakup.

What’s the harm in venting to others?

Per Kross, venting is the act of replaying negative effects over and over again. That cycle begins anew every time you vent to a different person, say your mom, your best friend, and your therapist. You’ve just lived that traumatic event three more times than necessary.

It’s hurtful enough that you experienced a breakup with the person you love, but now you’re making yourself go through it again and again. Wouldn’t most people call this self-sabotage? Or even a form of masochism?

Kross theorizes that people who love to vent are not looking for a solution or a way forward. Instead, they’re addicted to the pain and drama. Venters (can I call them that?) are not seeking advice. Their mind is on a single track called “talk” as opposed to “act” or “heal.” And as we all know, talk is cheap.

You cannot expect to talk your way out of the pain of a breakup. Imagine how easy it would be to say, “I’m no longer sad” and actually believe it. It takes action to come out the other side.

The other downfall of venting relates to those you vent to. Take that episode of Sex and the City where Carries goes on, and on, and on about her breakup with Big. Finally, Samantha says, “We’re as f*cked up as you are. It’s the blind leading the blind.”

Kudos to Samantha for admitting that most of us don’t know what the hell we’re talking about when giving advice. A personal experience does not make you an expert. But rather, we give advice as a way to connect with and comfort others. Whether that advice is effective is an entirely different story.

So, what’s the alternative to venting?

Since venting means living in the past, you need to shift your mindset toward the present and the future. There’s a key distinction between saying “I’m anxious” and “I’m anxious because of what that asshole did to me. He said I was The One and then blablablabla.”

Stop relating all your feelings to another person. Break that connection. Your emotions are not another person’s responsibility.

For instance, I was in a huge funk last week crying over spilled milk and hypersensitive to everything, probably because of PMS. My husband, bless his exhausted heart, tried everything to make me feel better to no avail. The change had to come from me and my way of thinking.

The point is that venting about PMS (or a breakup) provides verbal and emotional support but it does not provide a shift in perspective. Complaining about a situation does not help you see it differently.

The most healing types of conversations provide support and perspective. Yes, you can vent for a little while but eventually, you must allow others to help you see the big picture and identify ways to move forward.

The basic do’s and don’ts

Don’t rely on venting to relieve your heartache. Bottling up your emotions isn’t helpful, but sharing how you feel is only half the solution.

Do be deliberate about who you approach for support as not everyone is the best advisor. Also, be clear on what you want from the conversation. It’s helpful to say “I just want to vent” or “I’m actually looking for a solution.”

When a friend calls you to vent about her breakup, listen and be supportive for the first half of the chat. The second half should focus on outside perspectives and reframing the experience to help reach a resolution.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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