David Toussaint is tired of being cornered by That Football Dude. Next time it happens, he’s turning into That Oscars Guy.
Over the years, straight men have started up endless conversations with me about football, rambling on about teams and touchdowns and players, without asking if I care about the sport. Since my knowledge of the game extends to wardrobe malfunctions and tight-end puns, and since admitting this amounts to social treason, I’ve learned to nod on occasion and add the occasional “yes” or “no,” or “you are so right, dude, it WAS a bad call!” The soliloquizer generally has no clue that I’m clueless and feels better that he’s had a chance to vent. Granted, many gay men love football too, but they usually ask me if I’m a fan before going all Hamlet on my ass.
Next time I’m stuck in a restroom, Starbucks line or, my biggest nightmare, an elevator, and a football fan starts his monologue, I’m turning the tables and striking back—by talking Oscar! Yes, there are straight guys who like the Academy Awards too, but they tend to be less invested as the rest of us overzealous dimwits. Balls in my court now.
It’ll go something like this…
“Yeah, totally sucks about the Seahawks, but what about those Oscar nominees? I mean, no one really liked Birdman, but you gotta hand it to that Batman guy, right? He should get the award just for running around in saggy underwear. I could almost see the skid marks. Oh, and if you’re into Broadway shows, go see Emma Stone in Cabaret. Totally rocks the role. Liza would be proud. And did you lose it about Joel Grey? Is there anyone who DIDN’T know? Maybe Liza can marry him now. Dude, chill. I’m messin’ with you…. And what about Edward Norton’s peen? You think that was real? I’m no size queen but that impressed even me. Am I right? …
Between you and me and that iPhone you keep staring at, Boyhood was like 12 YEARS of watching. Couldn’t they just digitalize those kids to look older? Total waste of private, on-the-set schooling. Wonder if they were vaccinated…. And what was with Patricia Arquette’s hair? Twelve years and she couldn’t find a decent stylist? Damn shame…. As for Selma, well, I don’t blame people for being upset about the snubs. Seems unfair. Although I’m more upset they got an English dude to play LBJ. But they really need to add more black people to the Oscars, provided they don’t bring back Debbie Allen….
Quick, name one nominated song? … If you’re trying to Google it, good luck. There ain’t no cell service in this elevator. It’s just us guys. Did you ever see Dressed to Kill? No? Well, that’s probably a good thing. I am SO glad we met. The boyfriend hates it when I go on about this stuff. He’s such a wuss. He watches the Oscars for the FOREIGN FILM category.”
I tell you, though, you couldn’t pay me all the money in the world to get skinny like Jake Gyllenhaal in Nightcrawler. And no nomination? Hollywood’s just jealous cause he’s so pretty, and all the closet cases want him. Scientology runs the town, man. And now Jake’s all beefed up for that new boxing movie? Hot! I’d like to man-spread him on the subway, if you know what I mean. High-five! What, no?
First Ellen, now Neil Patrick Harris, who knew the Oscars could get even more gay. And what’s with Neil’s butt in every movie and TV show these days? He’s Doogie! … So what’s your verdict? American Sniper, patriotic or anti-war? I’m digging the Bradley Cooper with Scruff look, though. But he didn’t seem all that ripped. He’s more Bear than Gym Rat, right? What are you, Otter? Seal? Cub? Don’t look so stunned, I pegged you for a Daddy as soon as we met. Don’t ask, I just know this stuff.
What in the world would anyone call Benedict Cumberbatch? But I don’t think he should get credit for playing a gay guy. I mean, we’ve all seen Sherlock, right?
So what’s your FAVORITE Meryl performance, best to worst? If you say Mama Mia! I will go Whiplash on your ass! … Take your time; it looks like the elevator’s hitting every floor. Do you think Julianne Moore is finally gonna win? Cause I don’t know, seems Hollywood’s gay mafia only likes Gingers when they’re men. That Twink from The Theory of Everything… he was A-MAZ-ING! Oscar’s too into labels, though. I mean, why is a comedy more important than a drama? Oh, wait, that’s the Golden Globes…. You look as confused as I was watching The Grand Budapest Hotel….
It really makes me mad when people say that the Academy Awards shouldn’t be political. Now that Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie were both snubbed it’s the perfect time for them to patch things up. Jen’s right: Time for the B.S. to stop! The Oscars bring people together that way….
Yo! The elevator doesn’t move any faster when you keep pressing the buttons….
When are the awards on, anyway? I know it’s a Sunday night, cause it ALWAYS interferes with my shows, like Downton Abbey or The Good Wife or Looking. Right? Do you think Billy Crystal was talking about that show when he said the gays were going too far with the sex? Cause I thought the scene with Jonathan Groff and the enema search was emotionally gripping. I think Crystal should stop pushing his hairweave in our face. Am I right? …
So who do you think will be the last dead person they show this year? I’m still so upset about Farrah Fawcett being overlooked that year. I mean, did you see Extremities? All she wanted was to be taken seriously, and this is how they treat her. So sad. I totally wanted that hairstyle when I was a kid. Admit it, dude, you did too. Right?
So, were ANY of the true movies true? They even changed the fairy tales for Into the Woods! That’s messed up. And Steve Carell’s nose? Fake! I tell you, though, that fox Channing Tatum can catch me anytime! I’d like to wrestle with him for a couple of hours. Go for the gold, right?
All of my office buddies have man crushes on Chris Pratt? You prefer him Guardians ripped or Parks chubby? He and Chris Evans have an amazing bromance. You know, I think you and I could too. And I bet you anything we’d win the Oscar pool.
Hey, wait, before you run out to the stairwell, give me your name so I can friend you on Facebook. We need to grab brewskies and dish on all the Oscar fashions. Now that Joan’s gone, we bro’s need to stick together. Right? Oh, and what’s your pick for best short animated documentary…”
I guarantee, he’ll think twice before cornering a stranger to talk about…anything.
Photo: gazeronly/Flickr
Also by David Toussaint:
18 Things Gay 20-Somethings Need to Know About Gay 40-Somethings and Beyond
Where Sleeping Dogs Lie
23 Reasons That I Love My Straight Male Friends and They Love Me
Why You Shouldn’t Buy My Gay Wedding Book
The 12 Most Baffling Things Gay Men Do, Besides Vote Republican
18 Striking Similarities Between the Super Bowl and Gay Pride
The 5 Ways Gay Married Men Are Turning Back the Wedding Clock
David Toussaint’s latest book is DJ: The Dog Who Rescued Me.
You can reach him on Facebook.
I always dread my facebook feed around the time of August and September because I know that a good quarter of the posts on the weekends for the next five months are going to be “football-this-football-that-my-team’s-great-your-team-sucks-blah-blah-blah-I DON’T CARE”. I’ve taken to calling football fans out as “sports nerds” after a friend with whom I’ve played tabletop RPGs pointed out to me that most sports and games can be mathematically analyzed in similar ways. I find that football fans in particular never really seem to know how to react to being called “nerds” for being really passionate about a niche interest… Read more »