And I can prove it.
A couple years back, I was watching Star Wars and several things became apparent to me. I’ve since explicated these revelations to a number of other people, and all of them have been persuaded. Now, to help ruin the childhoods of that many more people, I offer for posterity my proof that Princess Leia had sex with both Luke Skywalker and Han Solo after the battle of Yavin.
I realize that this is a controversial position, but I believe the evidence supports it. To prove it, I’ve provided the relevant moments. They don’t really capture the subtle interplay of body language going on, but they give some idea. For the full effect, watch the movie again. There, now you have an excuse.
So I’m watching the movie for the first time in years, and I realize something about Luke Skywalker. He’s obviously a virgin. It’s really not subtle at all. Even putting aside the fact that he’s always dressed in white, he’s got a virgin vibe that has people two star systems away going “I feel a great virgin in the Force…” Watch the movie, note his body language; you can’t miss it.
So okay, that’s fine, he’s a virgin. Nothing wrong with that. He hasn’t been in circulation a whole lot, really
So the movie happens, Luke moves into the wider world, blows up the Death Star, comes back triumphant and goes off with Leia, who’s got her arms around him and Han.
Now, presumably they’re heading off to a victory party with the other Rebels. Their air is celebratory, and c’mon, they just blew up the Death Star. That calls for a party. If you look close in that shot, you can see that Luke’s virgin vibe is quite intact.
Then we cut (well, wipe) to the medal ceremony, and my jaw drops in astonishment.
Luke’s virgin vibe is gone. His whole walk, his body language, have changed. Just to underline the point, look at them. Han… same outfit. Chewie… same outfit. Luke… suddenly no longer wearing white. That is not a coincidence.
So, fine, Luke got some at the victory party. Good for him. I’m sure lots of people got lucky at that party. But then he gets up to the front and he gives Leia this simpering puppy-dog smirk…
OH MY GOD. That is the face of a guy who just cashed in his V-card, looking at the girl he has now imprinted on like a baby duckling. Skywalker, you dog. Wait, no, maybe this is just Luke being dorky, maybe he’s smirking for no reason…
…nope. That’s what we call a confirmatory smirk.
So, okay, Luke and Leia got it on. Only creepy if you know they’re siblings, which they don’t. (Indeed, I think their siblinghood is a total retcon, so in a certain sense they’re not siblings at this point.) So that’s kind of weird, but we can live with it, let’s all take a deep breath and look at Han, who…
…is also smirking. Good lord. Surely that’s just a friendly smile, right? Sure, they’re friends.
Nope, that’s kind of underlining it.
Leia’s clearly more ambivalent about having slept with Han, but that is also a confirmation.
Now at this point, I’m reeling, I can’t figure out what the hell happened. Then, after the shot of R2 being all shiny and repaired and everything, there’s this inexplicable shot.
An entire shot of Princess Leia looking worried and embarrassed, stuck in there for no apparent reason. If she didn’t sleep with Han and Luke, there’s no explanation for this shot. Since we know she did, though, that embarrassed look tells me they don’t know about each other. That look is her thinking “I’m a professional diplomat, my whole job is not to get into situations like this…”
Now, we can make any number of guesses as to what exactly happened. I suspect that Luke was caught up in the party, everyone congratulating the hero of Yavin, and Han talked Leia into coming back to the Millennium Falcon with him. (You know in your heart that Han Solo prefers to screw in the Falcon whenever possible. Nobody needs to be told that; it’s just so.) Afterward, Han fell asleep and Leia wandered back to the party, where Luke no doubt glomped onto her enthusiastically, going on about how beautiful she is and how he’s wanted to meet a girl like her his whole life. Flattered and caught up in the excitement of the evening, Leia decided “what the hell” and deflowered the farmboy. The next day, she realized that neither of these was really a good idea, and neither event was repeated. This explains why, at the beginning of The Empire Strikes Back, both Han and Luke believe that Leia secretly favors him over the other guy. No overt textual reason for this belief is given.
I am aware that this reading will be unwelcome to some people, but I maintain that it fits the facts better than the alternatives. I offer it to you in the spirit of fandom, and the belief that if I have to live with this crap in my head, everyone else should suffer with me.