A step-by-step method to keep your wives away from men in kilts. Because they’re dangerous. John Patrick Weiss tells us how.
Gentlemen, we are up against a formidable adversary. Her name is Diana Gabaldon, author of the New York Times bestselling “Outlander” novels. Yeah, I know. I never heard of Gabaldon or “Outlander” either. Until the novels spawned the immensely popular “Outlander” TV series. You see, that’s when my wife became an over the top “Outlander” addict. But I’m getting ahead of myself.
Why is Gabaldon a formidable adversary? Well, she holds three science degrees: Marine Biology, Zoology and a Ph.D. in Quantitative Behavioral Ecology. Plus, she has an honorary degree as Doctor of Humane Letters. According to her website, she spent a dozen years as a university professor with an expertise in scientific computation before beginning to write fiction. Impressive, to be sure. But what makes her particularly formidable is the way she weaves historical fiction, romance, science fiction and fantasy into a new narcotic for the female masses. The “Outlander” book series and TV sensation are abducting the hearts and minds of women everywhere. I’ll bet there’s a fair number of men who have fallen under the “Outlander” spell, but there’s little we can do to save such apostates.
When news of the TV series came out, I found my wife chattering excitedly on her iPhone and posting on Facebook with fellow fans. When I asked who Diana Gabaldon was, she pointed to long row of impossibly thick novels on the top shelf of our library. I always thought they were old text books.
I should have smelled trouble when the TV series came out. After all, my wife told me years ago that the only man she’d ever leave me for was Sean Connery. Something about his masculine, Scottish accent and kilt. I always took cheer in the fact that Sean Connery was a good deal older than me. Unfortunately, there’s a new, younger Scottish stud muffin. He’s Scottish actor Sam Heughan, who plays Jamie Alexander Malcolm MacKenzie Fraser (the dreamy hero and love interest of the heroine, Claire Elizabeth Beauchamp Randall Fraser). Did I mention that Claire is a nurse? So is my wife.
In hindsight, my wife’s addiction to the “Outlander” series was all quite predictable. I guess we men just don’t pay attention or listen until it’s too late
Naturally, to size up the enemy, I joined my wife to watch some episodes. I tried a few disparaging remarks but was immediately “shushed” quiet. Sure, the actress that plays Clair (Caitriona Balfe) is attractive and talented. But I won’t allow such distractions to diminish my campaign against this emotional and romantic hijacking of my wife. Nor should you, gentlemen. I offer these brief survival tips against the grip of Diana Gabaldon’s “Outlander,” before it metastasizes further into the hearts and souls of women everywhere!
1) Distract Your Wife From Watching “Outlander”
2) If You Can’t Beat ‘em, Join ‘em
3) Spread Grandiose Lies About Jamie
4) Don’t Pay The Cable Bill
5) Threaten Divorce
Gentleman, as I said before, we’re up against a formidable adversary. If the above tips don’t help, you might have to throw in the towel and surrender. Watch the programs with her, silently (she doesn’t want to hear you speak when Jamie is dropping his kilt.) Wash the dishes, clean the house, make dinner. Do whatever feeble kindnesses you can think. That way, when she comes out of her “Outlander” stupor, maybe she’ll continue to tolerate you. Maybe.
A few final words. As of this writing my lovely wife has purchased a new iPhone cover. I’m not making this up.
Every calendar in the house is marked for April 2015 when the continuation of “Outlander” begins. I’ve already stocked up on plenty of booze to help me navigate through this coming spectacle.
My wife is also planning a trip to Scotland next year with fellow “Outlander” fanatics. They plan to visit all the haunts in the series, drink aged Scotch and probably leer at the local kilts. It’ll assuredly be an expensive trip.
Thanks a lot, Diana Gabaldon. Thanks a lot.
This article originally appeared on John Patrick Weiss’s Website.