When in doubt, just shut the hell up and eat. A guide to what not to say on Turkey Day.
20) “There are way too many white people at this table.”
19) “I spent the morning researching the number of innocent turkeys that we slaughter every year in this country so that we can all sit here on Thanksgiving stuffing ourselves …”
18) “You should all have received a picture message of my penis.”
17) “If you’ll indulge me, I’ve compiled a fairly extensive list of everything I’m grateful for this holiday season …”
16) “I hate you all so much.”
15) “I love you all so much.”
14) “So, yeah, I’m reading about this thing called Radical Honesty. Basically, it’s where you only say the truth, even if it’s awkward or embarrassing or will hurt the other person’s feelings. So, I figured I would practice it by going around the table and saying exactly what I think of each of you. Uncle Tony, let me begin with you …”
13) “I have some big, gay news!”
12) “Sorry. I was just tweeting about the cranberry sauce.”
11) “I feel like I’m in a Beckett play. I keep waiting for something to happen, for someone to arrive and make this dinner more than just a way to pass the time, but instead I just feel like I’m dying inside, like there’s no point to any of this.”
10) “Let’s talk politics, religion, and Notre Dame football.”
9) “Do y’all mind if I drop some acid?”
8 ) “I really wish our family had some cooler people in it. Like Cher. Why are none of you like Cher?”
7) “Raise your hand if you hate uncle Bob.”
6) “You know what I think? I think you’re all a bunch of Socialists.”
5) “If you’ll indulge me, I’ve compiled a fairly extensive list of everything that’s wrong with CNN’s primetime lineup.”
4) “I’m live-blogging this meal.”
3) “No, I still won’t be your Facebook friend.”
2) “I was told that my hot cousin would be here.”
1) “I have an idea. After the meal, instead of watching football like we normally do, why don’t we listen to music and chitchat?”