One of our users posed a great question on the post, “Where Have All The Good Men Gone?“. One of our other regular users, Erin, said she would like to hear what everyone has to say in response to this question and we thought it would be a good idea.
Joan says:
What I’d like to hear from men, instead of looking back on the good-ole days or bad-ole days and trying to squeeze men into a passé stereotypes, is how do men want to move forward? Obviously there are a plethora of gender-identity issues starting in early childhood for both boys and girls. I’d be willing to invest time or effort into a good man project and I’m sure other women feel the same, but randomness doesn’t yield results.
Since this is a men’s site, what’s most important to men and what would men tackle?
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What do you want to see covered here? What is important to you that you talk to with your friends, family, or children that you’d like to see here?
Photo credit: Flickr / apdk
On a more technical side (as in not in content but about the site itself) there are two other things that come to mind. 1. The search function that is at the top right of the page seems a bit odd. For example when looking for a certain post but can’t think of the full name of it I’ll do a search and most of the time the results that come up won’t even have that fragment I entered. For example when I search for the post “Op-Ed: This Is Not How You Support Men’s Issues” I put in “this… Read more »
Danny, good observation on the search function…it took me about 15-20 minutes to re-find this post. One thing I’ve noticed about the site, it does not offer much balance or expression for more conservative views or for ethnic populations. Men and women are white, black, or some color in between. Many are closet conservatives when it comes to things like marriage, family, education, money, and exclusivity. If one were an alien reading this site, you’d think that all men were gay, porn fanatics, with open sexual relationships because many of the hot-topic featured articles are about the LGBT community and… Read more »
As the GMP moves forward, I would like to see some of the topics/tabs on the site re-imagined. It becomes a little difficult to find an article after a day or two. I would like to see a Marriage Tab at the top, not buried in lower tiered links. Marriage is still an important subject to all and it’s broad enough to be a tab. Without a tab, it almost seems like marriage is an afterthought. As per the other commentors above, perhaps a Men’s Stories Tab or Men’s History Tab or Men’s Leadership Tab or Men’s Mentoring Tab (??)… Read more »
The content I’m not concerned about…the manner I am…
How about all contributors take a vow to say more with less.
Think about it.
I am a dad of 4 boys. The world is changed. I want to raise strong men, caring men, respectful men. I want them to be fun, funny, smart. I want parenting stories. Grandparents accounts of what they see changing through the generations. How have YOU, WE, made a change in this world, and how can I take or share just a bit of it to make a change also. I am new to the site. It is great. However, it is the internet, so I hesitate and apply a heavy filter to what I read. Over time I hope… Read more »
I’d like to read more men’s love stories. I’ve read several here and always enjoyable, enlightening and very warm. Even Jackie’s!
Fine, I’ll offer this., Definition. Education. ______________________ Definition, meaning, greater research, and more particularly, more education about the biological creation of male. I’m sorry, but the brain is an incredibly subtle organ. Everyone gets presented with the high school version of brain masculinization in high school. Everyone knows male and testosterone in in vitro development. And that is as far as they go. Everyone has heard about correlation studies between male and aggression, and male and testosterone (largely done by pseudo-sciences that are unequipped to actually study causation). Did you know that the administration of dopamine can cause male sexual… Read more »
One: I’d like to see more of something that’s kind of a general issue that plays out in hundreds of specific ways in men’s lives (everyone’s life, really) Kind of a massive social philosophical question: How do I live an authentic, individual life AND be a socially responsible person living roles that other people want/need you to live? Related to this: how to navigate in a world where my wants/needs are in tension with the wants/needs of others. It’s easiest just to say that one of the two always wins, it’s always about me or it’s always about other people,… Read more »
Yeah, that’s the problem with those prescriptive lists, a ‘real’ man does this … Almost all of them are applicable to all people. Here’s the thing to me. Our endocrinology is not the same. We have similar systems, perhaps analogous is better, and we use the same neurotransmitters and functional brain areas. But in some ways the implementation is different, and those effects can be subtle and profound. So, some of the techniques well have different efficacies in a stereotypical male vs female brain (and all along the spectrum). The focus should be on understanding those differences and the techniques… Read more »
Without losing sight, of course, of the partial plasticity of the brain, as you mention. Too much of the popular, distorted use of brain science has presented the brain as this thing that’s independent of anything else, it’s just hardwired to act the way that it does, etc. When, in fact, the brain is affected by what we do, maybe not as much as the brain affects what we do, but still. We don’t just play out what our brain tells us to do, it’s not just “nature” in charge of us, we also train our brains, up to a… Read more »
Yes, exactly that. I really think it would be extraordinarily helpful. ________________ Here’s a thing. Forget where I came across this idea, but I have held on to it for a long time. Humans are incredibly malleable. We can, with sufficient effort, train ANY behaviour out of a human being. We can train them not to hit from an anger impulse, we can teach them not to destroy things from frustration, we can teach them to avert their eyes in the presence of women, We can teach them to never display initiative or question authority and we can teach them… Read more »
rezam- Well stated. I could see ethical concerns when training becomes involuntary or excessive behavior modification. A Clockwork Orange comes to mind, it’s an older movie if you’re familiar with it. Aggression, masculinity, and competition are timeless topics for men. Here’s one study on aggression from Univ. of Amsterdam (I have others that support and extend this) Early evolutionary theory on aggression pivots on intra-sexual competition theory. The basic premise is that men are more aggressive because they must compete with other men in order to get sexual access to women. However researchers dispelled that construct and aggression has little… Read more »
Oh, it makes sense all right. Particularly if the competition is perceived to be unfair in terms of access to resources, or the adults or referees are perceived to be biased. For example, Kleinfield’s work identified that not only do the boys view teachers as favouring girls, SO DO THE GIRLS. [Incidentally, it is the dopamine mesolimbic pathway that is involved in the reward and status system, where the status component is trained in in terms of what is societally suitable as a reward.. It is still a bit unclear whether the rewards triggers are anticipatory in their range of… Read more »
THANK YOU! Really, you don`t know how much it means to me that people are starting to see things like that. This is exactly what I meant what I said it is necessary to use as a starting point actual research on sex differences and then look at ways to adapt to what is probably statistically average innate differences. The topics you touched upon are huge. They really go to the core problem IMO. WHen I talk about male aggression I differentiate that from anger. When I practice Muay Thai I use a lot of aggression but I am not… Read more »
“Why not allow males to that expend energy in a healthy manner and retrain the female attitude, not the male? Other studies on self-esteem conclude that when males compete against females and fail, males report lower self-esteem. Today, males and females are competing everywhere. When reading your statements, I see all themes: loss of status, aggression, behavior modification, competition with females, and lower self-esteem” This is exactly what I believe. Women often have an initial tendency to want to diminish this energy in men because it makes them uncomfortable. Letting that tendency run rampant leads to what I just described.… Read more »
I 100% agree that it has to be women that adapt to allowing men this aggressive energy rather than the other way around. Actually this is not really all that hard. While women have an initial discomfort with it and want to diminish it on one level they also are drawn to it, fascinated by it and feel secure because of it when they know it is on their side. Women will tend to subconsciously “test” men by trying to diminish his aggressive energy but feel a sense of security when they notice that the man will not allow this… Read more »
Oh, male spaces are key. Men have always used to have many spaces that where just for men like women also have always had. It is in these spaces that they can fully live out their aggressive energy and their maleness. THis means all male spaces are vital for men to find themselves and to hold onto their masculinity. The problem today is that almost all the old all male spaces are gone. Even mens clubs have had to admit female members. So it is vital to create new all male spaces. Many feminists are inherently hostile to any sort… Read more »
Rezam & Erik, 1. My initial intent of this post was to enable men to speak, without interruption. I apologize for interjecting, but I’m glad the concepts of aggression, competition, and status resonate and add some value. 2. I will task myself to write a brief article on male aggression and perhaps shed some positive light on, arguably one of man’s greatest qualities. 3. I see some pros and cons in co-education. One concern in separating sexes is creating ‘Separate but Equal’ situations or sex-favoritism in public education. Yet it appears we have created sex-favoritism unintentionally, in favor of our… Read more »
I’d like the topic of paternity fraud looked at. How common is it? I’ve read that up to 30% of fathers are unknowingly raising children that aren’t biologically their own. What can men do to prevent becoming victims of it? Also, what legal avenues do men have when they are victims of paternity fraud?
Good topic. I’d like to get into not only how often it happens but why is it accepted and in some cases defended under the premise of “best interests of the child” and “best interests of the family”. Did you know that French courts recently upheld a law where the only way a man can get a paternity test done is with a court order AND have consent from the mother? And if he is caught trying to take test samples out of the country (apparently there are facilities in nearby countries that say French men sneaking over make up… Read more »
I would like to see posts which detail the disadvantages men have in the dating market, and that provide good tools for how to overcome them.
(ie. no NL “man up and take responsibility” crap)
I would like to see more personal stories or accounts about mentors or great teachers…people who have shaped men’s/boy’s characters in a profound way… I say this with great sadness as I have just received the news of the passing of one of our great karate masters in our discipline…he was kind, patient, and wise….in his soft spoken way, he taught me one on one about some of his karate secrets, but also about how to conduct oneself with others….In his beautiful home and backyard, I felt really inspired by his experiences and stories…beyond that, he was a surgeon and… Read more »
I would also like to see covered the difference between empathy and principle/code of ethics style morality. The view today is that morality has mostly or solely to do with empathy. Research suggest that men and women differ on average with regards to this and show a different style of morality that is equally valuable but different. Before the advent of feminism this was generally understood. Today it is all about empathy which in my opinion means a signal is sent to men that women are more moral and that men need to become more like women. In fact I… Read more »
I would also love to see stuff from Altawin about the inner warrior/warrior energy. IMO people today often have an allergy to male male assertive energy that is completely unfounded. To me the aggressive drive you tap into when doing martial arts and similar activities is a core masculine energy and very important to deal well with. The impulse today has been towards castrating this out of men instead of using it for good. And yes it IS a masculine energy as it runs on testosterone wether found in men or women. Masculine men have much more of it than… Read more »
I want to see this site return to its roots as imagined by Tom. Stories and discussions from men about men. Every comment thread here turns into a fight between feminists and the movement’s critics. It’s frustrating and takes away from what could be one of the best sites out there for men. So less stories from xoJane, Everyday Feminism and the like, and more stories from men from everyday walks of life. Not just the gender studies crowd. While I do think feminism has its place here, it should not be the core concept behind the site. And I… Read more »
You know, the real issue (from my perspective of trying to be involved in these discussions across the internets and my own life) has been the extreme and alarmist context placed behind any discussions of gender equality. Seriously, if you were an alien coming to see what the United States is all about, they’d take one look at the face of gender relations and easily conclude that women are just put through the most awful experiences constantly and that there exists some major conspiracy to keep women down. Nowhere do we see discussion about how far things have come, or… Read more »
I would like to see more discussion about the school from the early grades, if/how boys and girls are treated differently and how they fit in, and if there might be biological sources to this. There are some research about how girls develop social and language skills earlier than boys, that are often cited in other circumstances. But I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone seriously make the connection of how well prepared kids are to begin school at the age of 6-7, and if the school system at its very foundation are better suited to skills and capabilities that… Read more »
Here are some very interesting studies on boys and grades I have come across: Research conducted by Kathy Piechura-Couture provides an interesting starting point. She looked at reading scores for Florida fifth-graders. Controlling for various variables, she found that 68% of boys in co-ed classrooms were proficient versus 95% of boys in single-sex classrooms. Girls likewise increased, but less dramatically. Seventy-five percent of female co-eds were proficient while 91% of girls at single-sex classrooms reached that threshold. Piechura-Couture’s look at 4th grade test scores found the same trend. Boys’ proficiency increased from 37% to 86% and girls’ from 59% to… Read more »
As per many of the posts I write on this site, I agree. I think how boys and young men are doing should be a major focus. About what is happening with adult women and men, in terms of equality, etc.,, is one thing — and strong arguments can be made that women have by no means reached equity (though everything is controversial, of course). But how can there be controversy about those, say, under 25, or surely, under 21? No question that girls and young women are on the ascent, boys and young men the reverse. Boys are men-to-be,… Read more »
Mark, excellent point. Our boys are our future husbands and fathers and future leaders. We can’t turn our backs on boys to develop girls, and we have. Women have a vested interest in men’s well-being, I hope more women drop the batle-axe and start working these tough issues together.
@ Mark : 11:16 “We ignore them at great cost . . .as well as to the women who will be our sons’ partners in life. ” Ellipsis mine (note it does change the meaning). This is a lot like Richard Whitmire’s construction. I’m sorry to say that I find it terribly depressing. The prime marketing tactic to appeal to women and girls is . . . what about the girls. I get it that appealing to people’s self-interest is effective. However, it also points out that the boys’ interests for many people, is simply insufficient, subordinate, and ancillary. The… Read more »
I would also like to see interviews with Warren Farrell And Christina Hoff Summers. Warren Farrell has debunked so much feminist myth spreading that is still believed for that reason alone he should be interviewed. He also explains the true dynamic of patriarchy as being a functional adaptation to material conditions where both sexes suffered but both sexes benefitted from having that arrangement of the time. His argument does not in any way prevent gender equality from being accomplished, but it prevents the spread of irrational hatred of men that we have seen feminists on this site admit has been… Read more »
I would like you to cover research done on biological gender differences and honest discussions of what they mean. A man with a high testosterone level and a woman with a high estrogen level are going to behave extremely different. Any discussion of gender that does not take these things into account is meaningless.
Erik, The nature vs. nurture argument. We’ve done quite a bit to nurture, or socialize, men and women to be same. However, recent gender and behavior research is suggesting men and women nature’s are slightly different, not better or worse, just different.
I`d argue they are very different although there are outliers that blurs the picture. As I said the difference between a man with a high level of testosterone and a woman with high estrogen is like night and day. They are polar opposites in a very “genderstereotypical” way. And when it comes to attraction the research strongly points to very large differences: http://www.sscnet.ucla.edu/comm/haselton/papers/ When I`ve been told that the reason I find a twenty year old woman with a symmetrical face, 0,7 waist to hip ratio and a wide variety of fertility cues in her aberrance more attractive than a… Read more »
Erik, I have the conflict in my head too. What does society tell me to like and what do I actually like? I’ve used the term ‘biological’ differences and biology has been attacked by some respondents. Thus, I use the concept of nature vs nurture, it’s less inflammatory when discussing the gender-blender issues. Nevertheless, the research continues on gender differences as we speak.
The findings may help in critical areas where we see a large gender variant. For example ADHD is diagnosed 3-4 times faster in boys,than girls and show different symptoms and different behaviors…that’s a major red-flag.
Actually, I’ll take it one step further.
Eliminate the tired, toxic trope which is “Women hitting men isn’t as bad as the reverse.”. I’d rather not hear any excuses either about “Physical Strength differences”. People shouldn’t hit people, period, and expect to get away with it. Unless in self-defense when no other options have worked or aren’t feasable.
I just want all segments of society to recognize that girls can bully boys and there are survivors out there of such altercations, like myself. That women can hurt men with impunity and they’re not perfect angels.
The Good Men Project believes me but society still refuses to get it.
Eagle35–I have a couple ideas to get men’s issues on the social agenda. But I encourage you and others to think big.
Obviously, female-bullying issues, verbal abuse, and physical attacks need to be part of this awareness…it affects more than just a handful of men.
I’ll just bring my original answer over here: Glad you asked. Firstly I think a key step in moving forward as a man is to break the bonds that held us in those supposed good old days in the first place. And by break them I mean total freedom, not just the parts that make others feel good. For example I’d like to see the day where a man can actually protect himself from an attacking woman and not be shamed for it (or more specifically not be shamed into taking attacks/abuse from a woman) I’d like to see dads… Read more »
Thanks Danny, words of wisdom.
I challenge others to suspend their criticism or judgment when a man speaks his mind, to respect others’ opinions, even if we don’t agree.
Actually I’ll make the challenge more simple than that. If they want to be critical then do it in a civil manner. That’s all I ask.
“Respect is a two-way street, if you want to get it, you’ve got to give it.”
― R. G. Risch
It’s not what I want to see covered so much as what I *don’t* want to see covered. I just spoke with a friend of mine who is becoming increasingly disillusioned with the GMP because of precisely that rehashing. Comment sections are unreadable as a matter of course because the devolve into senseless bickering between men and women over who has it worse. Less of a focus on that (along with stronger moderation) would be greatly appreciated. Actually, you know what I’d like to see? More stories. The stated mission is to talk about the lives of men, so let’s… Read more »
Amen Tobias! I too would love to see more stories. What I’d love to see less of is:
Dr Nerdlove
Hugo Schwyzer
Everyday Feminism
Seriously, this is a website for men’s stories, and from that initial idea I think GMP has strayed. I want to see more articles that aren’t critical of men and telling them what they should be/how they should live. I want more everyday men’s experiences.