This comment was by Anthony in reference to the post – How Men Make Women Feel Unsafe
Somebody needs to write a companion piece to this. About how women (and other men, and everything about our current culture) make men feel unsafe.
I live in a world of constant fear, and walking on eggshells, as do most guys I know.
As a man these days, I’m expected to bear all the sins of my gender against women, past and present.
I have to be extremely careful in any interaction with women in my workplace, lest a misunderstanding (or malicious intent) leads to an HR complaint that ends my career.
I have to be ready, anytime I hold a door open for a woman, to suffer a vitriolic attack for being sexist.
I have to watch everything I write for fear of using a “trigger” word that means I’m instantly accused of perpetuating “rape culture”.
I have to weigh the possible outcomes of reaching out to stop a stranger on the street from stepping out into traffic while staring at her phone, because touching her could be construed any number of negative ways.
Everywhere I go, every day, I have to be careful like this.
Worse, because I’m a small, extremely unintimidating guy, I’ve often been a target for women and girls to lash out against with all their frustration. I lived through it decades ago, in high school. When a girl attacks you, even though she outclasses you in height, weight, and strength, you don’t hit back, otherwise, you’re an asshole guy who hits girls. Of course, you’ve been programmed, since birth, “don’t hit girls”. Instead, you mount the best passive defense you can manage, take the beating, and suffer the humiliation of being beaten up by a girl. Wish that had only ever happened once, but…
Of course, now, it’s not physical abuse (except very rarely), it’s verbal. I don’t even want to recount the things women say to me, or say about men, that I’m simply not allowed to defend against.
Then there’s all the guys I know who are married. They live in constant fear too. Mostly, that their wives will find a “better” man, and leave, taking the kids, the car, the house. Sadly, every peer group I’m in has at least one person to whom this has happened. Hell, it happened to me. Thankfully, we weren’t legally married, merely “common-law” for about five years, so I didn’t lose too much. The other guy in question was taller, better built, and better looking than me (and turned out to be abusive, go figure). Hell, I’m so brainwashed that I still, to this day, accept the blame for that happening, because when a seemingly happy relationship falls apart in a matter of weeks with no warning, it’s the guy’s fault for not reading the oh-so-obvious signs and doing something about it.
So yeah, it’s enough to make me want to go off-grid somewhere, away from everyone, and just live my life in peace. Of course, I’d also have to stay offline.
I know for a fact that there are a huge number of guys out there who feel the same.
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I’m amused by the cognitive dissonance in the comments as people struggle to find a way to say “your experiences are valid but not really”
It is amazing isn’t. They know they can’t directly say, “Men’s experiences are valid but women’s experiences are more valid” so they have to dance around it without using those direct words.
– I (and many other women) have never been fearful about a man politely tapping me on the shoulder. – I (and many other women) have never hit a man–except if they were wearing boxing gloves and protective gear teehee! – I (and many other women) have never accused a specific person of perpetuating rape culture (Donald Trump doesn’t count- he’s not a “person”). – Neither I nor any other woman I know has ever attacked someone for being sexist because they held a door open for me. – I (and probably other women) have seriously considered going off-grid somewhere… Read more »
the funny thing is you’re gaslighting him.
“Women like me will see your article about feeling unfairly vilified due to your gender and we feel umm just a little unfairly vilified due to … our gender”
Get over it.
Err that’s not gaslighting.
“But, as a white person, I don’t feel that I bear anyone else’s sins by acknowledging a social injustice.” Correct!!!! Because it stop with just that Jess. White people are not told by Black people that they are “toxic.” Right? White people are not told by Black people that they (white people) are dangerous and potential rapists and murderers. Right? White people are not told by Black people that they (white people) need to be re-educated and embrace this new perspective (feminism) on life….. So, who is really doing the “gaslighting” here? What you are really doing is far worse.… Read more »
My intention (obviously poorly expressed as more than one person has misinterpreted it) was not to “gaslight” the experience described in the article but rather to point out that I can empathise with the experience of feeling unfairly vilified due to one’s gender. In fact, Jules then goes on to illustrate this point by accusing me–because I’m female–of “telling people [men] how to live their lives”. (Unless that was about my authoritarian suggestion of “trying an idea on for size”… Sorry, it was by no means an order, just a suggestion to further my agenda of respectful dialogue and mutual… Read more »
Women like me will see your article about feeling unfairly vilified due to your gender and we feel umm just a little unfairly vilified due to … our gender XD What is the solution? Maybe respectful dialogue is a good start…? Oh so now vilifying an entire gender is bad because it might happen to women? Men have tried respectful dialogue and you know what we got in return? Accusations of derailing, sexism, and of course misogyny. Because apparently existing as a man and wanting respect counts as hatred of women. N.B. I don’t really understand the mindset that men… Read more »
I empathize with your personal experience and frustration. And I think there is an important pivot that can be made from feeling we have to bear the burden of sins to knowing we can choose carry the responsibility of changing them. It’s good to share your own personal story, opinions and frustrations. And to know that what you shared is likely the experience of a much smaller group of people within the whole of America. Your experience is real, important and valid. And the dis-empowering, pervasive and life limiting experiences of women are far more numerous. Yes, there are certainly… Read more »
This is one of the best articles I ever read with the Good Men Project. It’s really one which is written about ordinary men and their situation in Western countries. I was one of these ordinary men but I did something about it, I left my native country, settled down in Asia and I am also active as MGTOW. I do not hate women, I am married (Asian wife of course), have daughters, but I see no reason why I should to be treated by women and the government as a second class citizen. About your article, I see no… Read more »