This comment by Steve Horsmon on the post If You Want a Strong Marriage, Throw Out the Speech
I loved this, Ben. It was as authentic as the unrehearsed speech you mentioned.
Some pre-written speeches come from words we grew up with. Some of them destructive, belittling, and hurtful. I brought some of those into my marriage and whenever I needed a “zinger”, I could just repeat what I heard from dad sometimes.
He loved to use logic and intellect to whittle away at feelings. I never liked that – but I repeated it.
When I work with men who have the same habits with pre-written speeches (aka. reactions), we talk about focusing on something else.
Focus on the FEELINGS you want to create in her. Once you know exactly what feelings you want to create, your thoughts, words, and actions will follow authentically.
Focus on being right or convincing her she’s being ridiculous, your authentic disapproval and disrespect will follow as well. I wrote this about that.
Food for Thought:
We should avoid repeating bad habits and destructive relationship patterns learned growing up in favor of healthy respectful loving ones of our own. Thoughts?
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