This comment by Sandra Mellott on the post What Happens When We Don’t Teach Boys About Sex?
Joe, I think there is no such thing as a “provable” or “right” definition of healthy sexuality except by these criteria: that your sexuality makes you feel good about yourself rather than causing you distress, and that your expressions of sexuality don’t hurt other people. It’s important to recognize that no ONE definition can be applied to all people, in terms of the specific ways to achieve it. Rather, every single person on this planet has to come to their own conclusion–or embark on their own lifelong journey–to find out what makes them personally feel best and safest with their sexuality. Some people may find it very fulfilling and wonderful to abstain from sex until marriage and never feel repressed by their decision. Others may freely and generously partake in sex acts outside of marriage and never feel over-indulgent or sinful. And so long as neither of these practices causes distress to others (or to oneself), who is anyone to say they’re wrong? Moreover, there is certainly middle ground between the two options you listed, and virtually infinite variations on how anyone might embody their own sexuality beyond those two options. One might choose serial monogamy until marriage and afterward decide forevermore to remain monogamous with their spouse (a very common decision). One might choose abstinence till marriage and then enter into a polyamourous relationship with their spouse and a network of loved ones. One might choose to never be married or have any kind of sexual relationship ever, perhaps only partaking in masturbation their whole life long, if even that. I can’t even begin to make a representative list of examples! The task is too big! But I think above all, what is most important is to recognize that ANYTHING is OK, that we need never be ashamed of our own sexuality or the sexuality of others–again, so long as we don’t hurt anyone. Complete freedom for everyone to establish their OWN restrictions, without shame or judgment: I think that would be a SOCIETY of healthy sexuality. As I said, you just have to do what makes YOU feel good, WHATEVER that might mean, and you have to accept and embrace the fact that what makes YOU feel good might not make someone ELSE feel good, and vice versa. Everyone has to make their decisions for themselves.
Beyond that, I think it’s only important that we all–regardless of our chosen ways to embody healthy sexuality–be well-educated about the biology of sex and reproduction so that we can make safe, informed decisions about whatever we’re doing.
Does that answer your question?
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Let’s start a conversation:
Do you think that frank appropriate sex education and open non-judgmental conversations at home and at school would improve individual lives as well as relationships and society as a whole?
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