This comment was by OirishM in reply to the post “Forgiveness: There is No Should”
OirishM said:
“I think there’s a tendency for forgiveness to be used (in both the public and private arenas) in this one-sided, rather cheap way. In this case, it seems to be manifesting in a tendency to treat the public apology for Alan Chambers [Of the Exodus Gay Conversion Camp] as the only necessary criterion for forgiveness to take place. In practice, it’s much more complicated than that.
I was the cause of some hurt to a dear friend of mine recently. How I handled this situation was by clearly acknowledging that I was at fault, apologising as unfancifully and unambiguously as possible, and telling them what steps I was going to take to amend my behaviour. At no point did I ask them to forgive me – certainly not at the point of apology. I’d like to think that I’d never have asked them to forgive me, because in this case the thought of doing so struck me as potentially pressuring, maybe even manipulative. I then committed to carrying out those steps to improve my behaviour. While we’d still been on speaking and civil terms in the intervening period, once this person saw that I had been following through on my promise to take steps to change, they offered me their forgiveness, and I was (and still am, and will be) very grateful for it.
Maybe the process is different for everyone, but – the important lessons I learned from my experiences were:
1. There seems to be a social expectation that if a culprit apologises, that’s treated as sufficient to merit forgiveness. But in doing so we “short-circuit” this process of forgiveness at the earliest stage. It doesn’t mean anything without a commitment to improvement of behaviour and at the very least, a partial fulfilment of that commitment.
2. What I think is important, though, is to encourage steps along this path – even baby ones. No, Chambers may not be all the way there yet. I’m concerned that he still thinks being gay is inherently wrong as well, that mindset is a core part of the problem when it comes to treating gay people with equality and respect in our society. But what he’s done is a start. I just don’t know if I would call encouraging him at this stage “forgiveness”. Maybe we need some other term for it.
3. I think in any situation like this, the person who’s been directly hurt by someone’s bad behaviour should never feel obligated to forgive. I think it’s important that someone treat the culprit as a human being capable of both good and evil, and encourage them to better behaviour and righting the wrongs they have done, and believing in them rather than writing them off entirely. But that person shouldn’t have to be the victim(s). In the broad sense of the word, someone needs to “forgive” Chambers in order to help him grow as a person – it just doesn’t have to be those directly affected by the result of his ministries. Having even one human being thinking that you’re not wholly irredeemable can be a powerful agent in restoring someone.
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Photo by eggrole / flickr
Despite my being in late middle age, and having white hair, I have been the victim of violence, threats of violence, and false complaints to the police. Alcohol, anabolic steroids, and forced early retirement are contributing factors. In all cases, I get very tepid apologies 1-3 years later, apologies that do not reveal any clear understanding of the issues that divide us. The apologies happen only after I let it be known that no apology has been forthcoming. The person apologising also has a self-interested reason for doing so. When I explain in writing how the apology is inadequate, I… Read more »
That’s true .. very sweet