This is a comment by Æther on the post “What Women Don’t Tell You“.
“The most horrific thing I’ve heard from women about what they didn’t tell their men is that for the entirety of their relationship, they never had an orgasm with them during intercourse. Never. Ever. All through dating & marriage. Now they’re bitter & blaming. They’ve been brainwashed to think that their men are responsible for their orgasm. The whole foundation of their sexual relationship is built on a lie. They have years and years of not speaking up for themselves. The time passes, they realize the more they wait to speak up, the harder the news will be, so they stay quiet. ‘I give myself orgasms with a vibrator when he’s not around. I fake the orgasms until we’re done so I can have the closeness of cuddling when it’s over. That gets me through it.’ I know three women in this situation. One of them is on her third marriage of no coital orgasms.
“The most horrific things I’ve heard from men about what they weren’t telling their women relates to them not speaking up for themselves in bed either. One friend called me asking for what kind of herbal healing salve I had that would be good to soothe his penis because his partner just wouldn’t stop screwing him when he had enough. He felt obligated to continue. If your partner is screwing the skin off your dick, you really should speak up. Another just loathes blowjobs, but he doesn’t say anything when a GF goes down on him.
“You are ultimately responsible for your own pleasure. When you go to a party, who is responsible for your good time? The host? Not really. They provide a setting for you to come and participate. You can sit in the corner expecting to be entertained and befriended, or you can be proactive and seek out the experiences you want, turn down the ones you do not.
“I frequently elicited a deer-in-the-headlights stare from my last love. I would say to him, ‘Tell me what you want. I want to please you. Do you want a blow job? A massage? Some quiet, slow sex? Snuggling? I cook you dinner? Tell me what feels good to you. Show me how you masturbate.’ He didn’t know what to ask for. He didn’t believe that I was genuinely interested in doing something wholly for him, to learn about how to please him. I literally had to go through this gently several times to convince him that I was most honestly interested in his pleasure… he was interested in mine. He responded to ques to what I liked, he had just never been with a woman who really considered him.
“To be very general, I don’t hear as much of this from my queer or or kink friends. I think there’s more talking required to negotiate & find those relationships.
“It’s awkward to overcome the training we’ve received about what romance and love is: Your partner magically knows how to please you. Even I fantasize about having a magic, orgasm ray gun. Wouldn’t that be fun. But alas, the fun and intimacy is from figuring things out together. Be excellent to each other. Talk to each other. Cut the blaming BS already. Men are having a poor time in bed just as much as women.”
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Photo credit: Flickr / jonclegg
Great comment. I Totally co-sign this one.
I think this is a good comment but women who have trouble reaching orgasm, for whatever reason, often have a dilemma. If they tell their boyfriend/husband that they want orgasms and aren’t getting them, it can make sex very stressful. Because most men will become very insecure about it, do everything they can to help, and this puts a lot of pressure on the woman to produce orgasms. That makes things worse, and the man eventually gets frustrated and unsatisfied with their sex life. Which is why a lotof women start faking them. In my early 20’s, it was virtually… Read more »
Probably a good idea to reassure the partner that they don’t HAVE to make them orgasm to enjoy sex. If men are told in detail of how many women can’t orgasm from penetration alone and that some women find it very difficult to orgasm I think it would lower that stress of the man feeling he has failed at performing his “duty”. I definitely feel more at ease knowing that it’s not my fault alone should my partner fail to orgasm, that so many things can make it difficult. I was on medicine that delayed and even at times blocked… Read more »