These are comments by Terence Manuel and Don Draper on the post “Confessions of an Ex-Sex Kitten“.
Terrance Manuel said:
“There’s no such thing as ‘casual sex.’ The sex act is purposefully intense … it means SOMETHING! I happen to believe that when you partake in sex with another, in essence, you are giving a portion of your ‘soul’ to another. That can’t be casual … that’s serious.”
How can you really say this goes for everyone? Not everyone wants intimacy. People want to connect with other humans, period. Again, here in America we have just made this out to be far more complicated.
“I have met a good many people who have had dozens of sexual partners. Most of them are dealing with various forms of guilt and regret.”
How about those of us who have had a paucity of sexual partners, been married and are dealing with guilt, regret? I feeling that marriage and committed relationships are just a fraud. They are prescriptions for sexual deprivation and anguish.
There are indeed two sides to this issue. I guess a rich and wealthy person can feel guilt and regret. But a poor person cannot? The poor person can feel the pain of lack and deprivation as well.
Ms. Dierbeck is like a drug user who overindulges and then after 20 yrs of this behavior wants to say smoking weed at any level is just so horrible. She speaks for her own dysfunctional self, IMO.
Don Draper said:
I believe there is a primal side to all humans that does, in fact, only wants sex, even without intimacy. It’s the natural instinct of procreation … dogs and cats have that, too.
However, I believe that normally developed humans, want much more. If there are humans who truly want no more than to commit the sex act, without emotional attachments, and that is ALL they want, they are second cousins to rapists, and have pathological issues. Mature and “whole” humans want their partners to know them through and through, and STILL, love them, flaws and all…that’s intimacy.
That’s what makes humans different than dogs. If you disagree, then we’ll agree to disagree.
Photo credit: Flickr / .oO( Stephan (-_-) )
To Editors:
Thanks for publishing my comments.
Not to come across as ungrateful, but you misspelled my name. It is Terence (the original Latin spelling). I am quite sensitive about it.
First of all, there are people who are asexual or who have such low sex drives as to be virtually asexual. There are also those who have robust sex drives but don’t find a lack of sex particularly painful or difficult or who have simply put their energy into other things. They live no less healthy, “normal” lives than anyone else. They can have just as much intimacy, though different in kind, as anyone with an active sex life. Secondly, sex can of course be a very intimate connection between two (or more!) people, but there are many forms of… Read more »
If people really just want sex for the sake of sex, then they ought to just pay for it. Or masturbate. Get some toys, whatever. Because it feels good and gets the job done. Why risk STDs, pregnancy, hooking up with people of questionable character that you don’t know, etc. I mean it’s astounding to me what people will put up with, and/or sacrifice, just to get laid, considering their insistent claim that they aren’t looking for anything but feel-good fun. Not that I don’t believe some people really are just looking for that, but I just think there are… Read more »
@LF
“If people really just want sex for the sake of sex, then they ought to just pay for it.
Why? Sex is great! I feels good. So, all you have to do is find a partner who feels the same way about it as you do.
There are many women who feel this way too. In fact, there is an ever increasing number, thank God.
“If people really just want sex for the sake of sex, then they ought to just pay for it.”
Ha! If you’re a man, just TRY having a relationship with a woman after you’ve admitted to them that you have paid for sex. They will first go apeshit, and then they will dump you.
@W.R.R.
Please forgive…my use of the word “rape” was extreme, and I apologize to all victims of rape. However, if I were female, I would believe that any man I decided to give my body to, who did not have ANY emotional attachment to me, would be far more likely to force himself on me than one who has.
I agree solely with Misty Christy. To say the desire for “just sex” makes those people akin to rapists, or that they must be defective somehow is disgusting. I’ve been raped. Try another word to describe your opinion, please? Sex is not church, and not everybody values church, either. Yes sex with intimacy can be better and more fulfilling; but it isn’t the only thing on the menu and other things are fun, too. It is neither depraved nor deficient to want “just sex”. To each their own, but please avoid making sweeping statements that sound like only one view… Read more »
^^ well, you can sit around mopie-joe until your sexual-soul-mate appears (or doesn’t) or you can live your life. i like chocolate pie for dessert, but if there is no chocolate pie, I’m not going w/o dessert until its available. apple pie is pretty tasty as well.
I chose to live my life.
I am not going without desert either. I will have my pound of flesh! Cheesecake please.
Correction — the comments attributed to Terrance, which appear in quotes, are actually Terrance quoting me. They are my words. I stand by them. For those who care to read the string to the entire thread, follow the link. I continue to believe that humans are “hard wired” for community, connection, etc. The ultimate form of that is “intimacy.” That is, to know, and be known, completely, and yet, to still be loved. For those who have had “sex” without intimacy and also, “with intimacy” — please, is there any question that the latter is supreme to the former (allow… Read more »
No, you’re not alone.
I also think that Terrance is doing exactly what he accuses others of doing – that is, he was in a sexless marriage and now concludes that “marriage and committed relationships are just a fraud. They are prescriptions for sexual deprivation and anguish.” Speak for your “own dysfunctional self,” Terrance.
There is a great body of evidence ( studies, research and surveys) to support my view(s) LF.
Just for starters, it is estimated that nearly 25% of ALL marriages (hetero) are sexless (fewer than 12 times per year).
We men have been complaining about this for a very very long time. Our wives simply dismiss our pleas as wanting “sex for the sake of sex.” My marriage clearly was sexually dysfunctional which is why I left it.
Do your research LF. I have certainly done mine.
OK, so I’ll accept your 25% figure at face value – it’s not a surprising number to me. Believe it or not, some couples don’t care if they have sex very often. Others have physical problems that prevent them from having sex. And yes, some are just plain dysfunctional and one or both parties won’t address the underlying issues behind the lack of sex. But even if 25% of marriages are sexless, that means that 75% are not. Hardly a “fraud” or a “prescription for sexual dysfunction and anguish.” Do all 75% get sex whenever and wherever they want it?… Read more »
“But many do have sex lives that are satisfying to both parties most of the time.” It depends on which party you ask. Really. Many studies clearly show women as expressing satisfaction with sex in marriage to a higher degree than men. But, some of the same studies also show most women do not achieve orgasm during sex with their husbands. Strange. Then how can they be satisfied? Similarly, there exist research where many married women are satisfied with sex once a month. Yet, the men in such marriages were unhappy with such infrequency. I was one of those men.… Read more »
I am a woman, and I don’t buy most of what you’re saying. I don’t, personally, require a ton of “variety” in my sex life and I don’t get bored with someone over the long term, so long as I’m not bored to begin with (in which case I wouldn’t commit to the guy to begin with). I also don’t have any female friends that complain about the lack of variety in their sex lives with their husbands/boyfriends. On the other hand, I’ve met a lot of men who’ve been watching a lot of Internet porn and seem to “demand”… Read more »
“I don’t, personally, require a ton of “variety” in my sex life and I don’t get bored with someone over the long term, so long as I’m not bored to begin with (in which case I wouldn’t commit to the guy to begin with).”
So basically you’re not bored … yet.
You will be.
Terence is 100% correct.
LOL OK, think whatever you gotta think, if it makes ya feel better. 😀 Everybody gets bored sometimes, and not just sexually. Plenty of couples work through those periods and survive them. I’m sorry if you guys were hurt by partners who got bored with you and wouldn’t work on the relationship. I’ve had that happen too. But not everybody is like that.
But if you don’t want to believe that, then don’t. I can’t help you. Hope you find whatever you’re looking for.
oh please. people need 3 things; food, sleep, sex. we are programed that way. the species couldn’t go on if we didn’t. sappy movies and teen girls might be devoted to the notion of soul-bondong sex. but for the rest of the world, that is crazy talk. people like sex because it feels good. the better it feels the more we go back for more. it can feel good with no more information about the other person than what ever 15 minutes can tell you, or with your own hand/device. don’t make it bigger than it is, don’t ruin one… Read more »
Agree. As I stated in the commentary, in America we have made sex out to be way too complicated.
I love sex for the same reason I love my bourbon: it feels great, dammit!
You are really romanticizing other cultures if you think sex is only complicated in America.
I have lived in other countries and cultures. I have lived in Japan, Eastern Europe, and South America.
We Americans are the most sexually repressed people on earth. Why? Because we have stood it on its head!
You’re simply wrong. While I have not traveled to all countries, I can say categorically and with great confidence that something is out of whack here in America with sex.
Lastly, I am not a romantic. I love Euripides not Sophocles. I see the world as it is, not as I wish it were.
I didn’t say that nothing is out of whack with sex in America – I said America isn’t the only culture or country that has made it “complicated.” I’d have to disagree about being the most sexually repressed country in the world, too. The Middle East and many Asian countries certainly have us beat by a mile, for starters. There are very few places where it’s OK for people to just go around having sex whenever and with whomever they feel like just for fun, without any fear of social ostracism. Which seems to be your idea of healthy, “non… Read more »
I don’t feel guilt about the sex I’ve had. Regret about the sex I haven’t? Certainly.
As for losing my “soul” during sex… I could not agree more. To paraphrase:
“I… first became aware of it… during the physical act of love…. a profound sense of fatigue… a feeling of emptiness followed. Luckily I… I was able to interpret these feelings correctly. Loss of essence. I can assure you it has not recurred…. women sense my power and they seek the life essence…. I do not avoid women. But I… I do deny them my essence.”
borrowed from:
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0057012/quotes