This comment was on Does The Good Men Project Have a Mission? The comment was by Matt Casto.
Great thought provoking dialogue today from this read. The only comment that seems to leap off my lips is “the guilty take the truth to be hard.” I was taught by my wife that a defensive person is usually guilty. I teach my boys that defensiveness in an indicator to look inward. If a man reads from GMP and becomes defensive or feels overly pressed to change then maybe they should take some humility and look inward. Equally, if a woman gets offended by a man’s attempt to express himself then they too must take a deeper look into the mirror. I believe that the world needs more humility and less criticism. Keep up the good work GMP.
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photo: redglow / flickr
Matt. I have found this to be true about myself many times in life. It is not always true, but often enough it is. For me, the hurdle has been to drop the defensiveness and excuses *long enough* to do that reflective exercise. In some case reflection led me to conclude I was actually in the wrong, and in some cases not, but the greatest value is in the exercise itself, and in learning to suspend defensiveness at all. If I were unwilling to do that, I would not have an open mind, and would sometimes miss learning opportunities of… Read more »
That applies to the defensive women that don’t want men to speak for themselves here, but not the defensive men, the defensive men are refuting feminist ideological hatred, falsehoods and abused statistics, the defensive men here are correct to be defensive and they are correct to correct the falsehoods that are being published here about men.
“the guilty take the truth to be hard.” That is very true – and also the innocent take accusations and presumption of guilt the same way. As Archy states taking a principled and even rational position can be met with opposition and false accusations of Guilt. It’s even a recognised “Shamming” tactic. As someone who has historically taken an Equality Position it has been comical to be called both feminist and MRA as the Shaming and Guilt Tripping gets going! To paraphrase “The ignorant take the truth hard”, and it should be considered, how those who find it so hard… Read more »
I was taught by my wife that a defensive person is usually guilty.
While this can be true I think its too close to an attempt at trying to form an absolute conclusion as a way of calling a defensive person guilty.
More inward looking and humility would do people a lot of good but I think its worth bearing in mind that there are too many reasons for someone to get defensive to try to narrow it down to “their usually guilty”.
“I was taught by my wife”
It makes everything pretty clear.
The person who most taught me to do what Matt suggests is my husband. What’s clear about that is that in a good marriage, each spouse can help the other grow.
Well I don’t know that. I never married.
Why is it so hard to believe a woman could teach a man something Rapses? Why is so hard to imagine that each spouse could help the other grow?
@Julie Gillis
You are taking me out of context in this case. Let me explain:
Wife is teaching husband that a defensive person is usually guilty. It implies that whenever the wife criticizes husband and he gets defensive, then it would be presumed that he is guilty. The wife’s motive in teaching something like this is really questionable.
I don’t see that AT ALL. Might be a good time to re-read Matt’s original comment.
That would be really wise on your part as you previously mentioned your husband taught you same thing.
You misunderstand. I am saying it is a GOOD thing when spouses teach each other things and get them to reflect. You were the one who was assuming that the wife had ulterior motives in teaching this to her husband. I am the one who accepts at face value Matt’s comment. You are the one not accepting it. So re-reading it would not change me because I already agree with it. Question: I mean this kindly…Is English not your first language? Is there perhaps a language barrier? Your last comment to me makes me wonder. perhaps it is just a… Read more »
Yes English is not my native language, but trust me I scored very high in TOEFL and GRE entrance exams. I am well aware that people in different culture use English in different way. Somebody from my own culture would not have misunderstood what I say.
You are assuming that. It could mean that the wife has shown the husband that each time she was defensive she was guilty. She could be using andecdotal evidence from friends, or should could be pointing out something that was true for the husband as being defensive. She could have shown him some articles in Psychology Today about the topic. He didn’t detail the point. Or she could have done any combinations of those above. you are making this about a nagging wife’s, manipulations, when the OP was mentioning his wife taught him something valuable. Even if the wife pointed… Read more »
Seems like if we really want to know, we should ask Matt.
My husband has taught me how to improve character flaws in myself. I’ve done the same for him. We’ve always been gentle about it, and held each others feelings in high regard but it’s part of the (our) marriage commitment to help each other grow.
Same here Julie. It’s the best! I wish more people had this in their lives.
Why no avoid all the trouble of asking OP, who would probably need some lessons from his wife to answer it, and ask directly OP’s wife? My best wishes to you family, but I am no fan of marriage.
Defensiveness could simply be a high moral standpoint against an issue, eg surrounding rape culture and male guilt many men feel defensive because it portrays men as the sole aggressor and that it’s their responsibility alone to stop rape. Doesn’t mean these men are guilty of raping or supporting rape, simply that they’re bothered by misandrist assumptions. The innocent will defend their innocence, it’s not more indicative of guilt than women indicate they are gold diggers for defending their gender against generalizations.
Be careful how you judge people, defensiveness has many possible reasons to occur.
Casto presumes that the defensiveness is in response to “the truth”. As a matter of fact, the innocent can be exasperated by false accusations.
It would be useful to try to tell the difference, if somewhat boring.