This is a comment by wellokaythen on the post “Let’s Stop Faulting Boys and Start Channeling Their Energy“.
wellokaythen said:
Meanwhile, please accept the millions of boys like I was who are NOT high-energy, not physically restless, not outgoing, not into wrestling and athletic competition, and not into screaming. There are actually some boys largely content with reading books, playing by themselves, and entertaining themselves in fairly quiet ways. Those boys are not “acting like girls,” and they are not necessarily being suppressed or being brainwashed out of their true masculinity.
I faced a lot of invasive, annoying attention from well-meaning adults who thought it just wasn’t right for a little boy to be so quiet. I was told that “real” boys run around and wrestle and play baseball and scream and fight, so if I wasn’t doing much of that then somehow I must be lacking something in my development. Walking around with my head in a book was not considered “boy” behavior, which depressed me at first but eventually just annoyed me until I became an independent adult.
Absolutely, allow boys to get dirty, be physical, scream, and compete. And the ones who aren’t into that? Don’t try to make them into your narrow definition of what it is to be a boy.
I don’t know if extraverts realize how oppressive their worldview can be for people who aren’t like them.
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Great article. I disagree with the “oppressive worldview,” however. I’m the kind of introvert who has never even been able to pretend to be an extrovert, but I don’t think of myself as a victim, nor do I want to. Way I see it, other have a right to have a problem with that. I have the right not to care.
But there’s more to life than social rewards. Besides, there are different ways of being “bold.” I didn’t see much “boldness” (well, actually, none) in the Steubenville scandal, when none of the teenagers came to the defense of the rape victim (who, incidentally, has received death threats).
I appreciate this point, wellokaythen. I’ve really been both of the 2 types of male contrasted with eachg other here and in the piece that prompted this comment. Until about age 12-13, I was a loud, brash, hard charging kid. I enjoyed sports and I enjoyed basking in the successes I had. By high school I was a quiet, shy, introverted kid. The only attention I got at this point was a sort of “where’d that kid we were always pissed at go?”. I became invisible to my peers, except when I was a bit suspect for my solitude. I… Read more »
Fantastic comment. I could not love it more! I’ve worked with thousands of kids in my career, and quite a lot of boys since I worked in a boys’ school for a good chunk of that time, and yes, there are lots of boys who defy stereotypes. And girls too. That is why stereotypes are so horrible. There are many kinds of boys and many kinds of girls, but our society likes to put them in boxes so they can sell stuff to them and reinforce a status quo. Children see no limits to their possibilities until adults point them… Read more »
And I can tell you that introverted boys are not necessarily more sensitive, more intelligent, or kinder than anyone else. Introverts can actually be just as cruel, narcissistic, and manipulative as any other person. I don’t want to replace one set of false negative stereotypes with another set of false positive ones.
Thank you very much, wellokaythen, for daring to express a point of view that is disrespected by many.
When I was growing up, introverted nonathletic boys were labeled as “sissies” and frequently bullied. It was utter nonsense, based upon false stereotypes.
Sorry but un-word
It’s word if their worldview is intentionally imposed as more correct. Being yourself is not, or at least, should not, be seen as oppressive.
I do understand the sentiment and it does hold truth. Just want to reel it in just a little bit…
Larger numbers should not in of themselves be seen as oppressive – except for cockroaches of course
The following has been true for generations: Introverted nonathletic boys frequently have been subjected to bullying, and this sort of bullying has usually been tolerated by the schools. The traditional approach to mandatory P.E. has discriminated against such boys by completely neglecting their physical fitness needs while cramming sports down their throats. (I speak as a man who has taken up bodybuilding late in life as a member of a health club.) Decades ago a New York sociology professor wrote an amazingly hateful book entitled The Feminized Male in which she attacked such boys with demeaning stereotypes. It reminded me… Read more »
And rowdy rough and tumble boys are equally subject to essentialization…
I’m not sure I understand what you mean by “essentialization,” but I think I agree with you. 🙂 ADHA does seem to have been over-diagnosed. Kids are medicated too much these days. Traditional sports-centered P.E. should be retained as an elective for boys who want to participate in sports; but it should not be mandatory for nonathletes, who have never benefited from it. Just as we need to stop denying that boys/men and girls/women have differences, we need to recognize that boys are not all the same; nor should they be forced to fit some preconceived notion of the way… Read more »
I see your point. That last bit I wrote about the oppressive tyranny of the extraverts was overdramatic. It’s also important to note that being an introvert and not being athletically inclined are not the same thing. There are unathletic extraverts and athletic introverts. There are socially dynamic people who do well in group situations but not in physical situations, and there are introverts who are most socially active as part of a team dynamic. I was “stacking my issues” in that message, as I can see now in hindsight. That being said, I think it’s more than just a… Read more »
“I don’t know if extraverts realize how oppressive their worldview can be for people who aren’t like them.” Word.
Thank you so much for taking the time to post this message. Your post describes my son. It is a good reminder to me that he is fine as he is doing his own thing and he is not “broken” or something wrong with him.
Very nice one, wellokaythen, from one bookish kid to another 😉