This comment was on the post by Joanna Schroeder “Are Porn and Video Games Hurting Young Men?”
As someone who was most certainly addicted to video games and who is in the demographic that this pretty much targets, I have a number of insights.
#1. Involved parents. Parents can now let video games occupy their sons time and they don’t have to do any parenting. Give a boy a computer and a $15/mo World of Warcraft subscription and he’ll have an infinite amount of entertainment for $15. These games are addictive. I started playing MMORPGs in 5th grade and by the time high school rolled around, I was spending at least 30 hours a week playing MMOs and during the summer it was probably upwards of 60. I had no father and my mother couldn’t even be bothered to feed me, so I was able to do whatever I wanted, and what I wanted was to be able to avoid reality and feel like I was in control of something. MMOs gave me an outlet. It gave me an opportunity to be successful. I had a leadership role in one of the best guilds in a game of more than 10 million players. It felt good to be important.
Porn. I started watching porn at the age of 10. It’s been a daily and multiple times a day thing every day since that time. I think I’ve gone more than 4 days without watching porn once in my entire life. It is not inherently a problem, but it gives boys an outlet they would not otherwise have. Whether we admit it or not, boys (and men) are expected and required to do the lion’s share of approaching and initiating. In junior high and high school, your options are limited. If you strike out a bunch of times, you quickly lose any opportunity to get a date or a girlfriend and you quickly earn the label of socially awkward loser. I cannot begin to describe the pain and suffering that comes from serial rejection from women at such a young age.
How does a boy get confidence socially when he is perpetually rejected by women and that rejection is used as a tool to humiliate him by his peers? If you combine this with say, absentee parents who don’t regularly demonstrate affection towards their children, then you have a recipe for a child who feels they do not have any inherent self worth because they are being told by the world that they do not have any self worth. You can’t tell a teenage boy that the reason his parents and women and peers are rejecting him is a problem with them and not a problem with him. He won’t believe you.
He will have friends with whom he plays games, who are also having the same sort of social issues. It becomes a sort of band of brothers; a group of boys who have been rejected by the world who escape into video games where they can feel in control and good about themselves. Where they can have accomplishments.
We have a society that is truly, heinously brutal on boys. If they are deprived of early success, they choose a comforting and enjoyable escape that technology has provided them; video games and porn. I no longer play video games because I realized that it was an addiction that I couldn’t control. I cannot play games “casually.” The porn remains, of course, because I have no other outlet for sexual satisfaction. I, and probably every other boy/young man in my situation, long for a personal connection, affection, love, etc. To be honest, sex is not even secondary on my list. Hugging, cuddling, holding hands, and having someone who looks at me with caring and affection as opposed to indifference or disgust. That is what I want.
Unfortunately, I am a man. As a man, I must be the one to make it happen. I will need to approach women, ask women out, plan dates, pay for dates, and be the person who takes action. Otherwise, I will remain alone. How do you make this happen without self confidence? How do you have self confidence when you have experienced nothing but failure? I cannot answer either question, and it is a miserable catch-22 in which to find yourself. I have never in my entire life had a woman smile at me unprompted or approach me or say hello or ask me out on a date or anything. Not once. I’ve never been told I’m handsome, or sexy, or attractive, or been made to feel attractive and desirable. There are millions of boys and young men in this position.
So many people view porn as the cause of problems with relationships, but it is the result. Had I ever experienced at any point since I first asked a girl out in the 5th grade one who said, “Yes, I like you, I’ll go out with you,” I am fairly certain I would not be in the situation. Nothing succeeds like success, and nothing fails like failure. Confidence needs to start somewhere, and you need someone to help you start it. Without that, you have a continual downward spiral of declining self confidence, depression, and misery. I firmly believe that one of the biggest issues of the next decade will be overwhelming under participation in society of men and massive levels of suicide among millennial men.
Photo credit: Flickr / AngryJulieMonday
They want to call it “fear” of rejection, but maybe it is just a choice one makes not to be subjected to strange games and double standards. Is that fear, or is it just plain common sense?
Wow, I didn’t even see this thread, and I didn’t expect to be pilloried.
“I would say it’s his fault… I meant to say I wouldn’t say it’s his fault…
It’s called ‘learned helplessness’. I agree that he could do something to change the situation but his whole upbringing says ‘no-ne likes you, escape into games’. I would say it’s his fault, but I guess that the effort needed to overcome his background is so immense that he just doesn’t do it.
Graham: “It’s called ‘learned helplessness’. I agree that he could do something to change the situation but his whole upbringing says ‘no-ne likes you, escape into games” Basically it, yeah. You get told so many times by people who supposedly care about your well-being “Sorry, but you won’t amount to anything.” and “Your gender is the cause of every single problem for women.” Combine those together and you’ll understand why men like him give up and escape instead (or worse, actually agree and turn into the worst kind of self-loathing white knight you can imagine). Imagine that’s the only exposure… Read more »
You can’t know the difficulty in overcoming something with which you have no experience. I guess because I’m a man I am just supposed to be able to deal with everything on my own no problem, right? Well, I haven’t done too terribly in that regard (I am moderately successful, I support myself, etc) but how do I get the other things? Who helps? Friends? Which ones? Family? I haven’t got one. Therapists? With what extra thousands of dollars? “Just doesn’t do it” makes it sound like I don’t put any effort into anything. I just sit around and feel… Read more »
“The world may not be a perfect place, but let us not pretend it is so “heinously brutal” that none of us can overcome.”
I think his point is that the cards are heavily stacked against boys and young men such that if they do succeed its only because they did overcome but many boys and men don’t.
This is partially what I was saying, yes. People also have different amounts of obstacles that need to be overcome. I’ve overcome more obstacles than almost anyone has had to and at such a young age. If almost anyone else were to have been put through what I have gone through, they would almost certainly be dead. The deck IS stacked against boys, and an increasing large number retreat into games and other avenues as opposed to following through IRL.
Although I had absolutely no expectation for this article I have to say it leaves me very disappointed. Truly regaled me with a tale of give-up and expectations for ‘mass levels of suicide’, wtf?! Move somewhere warm and get some outdoor hobbies. Join a legit yoga studio. Go to school for something interesting. Build things. Create something in your hands. Most important: volunteer your time to help people less fortunate than you – you’ll probably develop some kick-ass relationships in a place you never expected. It’s not about your parents anymore; it’s about the situations you either create – or… Read more »
I have to say I agree, and I’m very concerned for how men are portrayed by a comment like this. I work with dozens of powerful, successful men on a regular basis. These are men who work hard to achieve their goals, and work to overcome obstacles put in their paths. These are men who understand that it’s never going to be easy, and there are people who will try and tear you down every step of the way. Yet they persevere and succeed. Men are powerful, men are capable, and men succeed. I see this every day. The world… Read more »
Mike L: “I have to say I agree, and I’m very concerned for how men are portrayed by a comment like this.” Why are you concerned? There’s a ring of truth, regardless of how it comes out. Think for a minute: When was the last time you saw a genuine, positive male role model in the media? Where he can say what he wants, do what he wants, have flaws yet doesn’t take any crap from anyone, much less the female protagonist? How about a male role-model who isn’t a simpering buffoon and the butt of jokes? What about when… Read more »
Eagle, I have no idea what you’re talking about when you say: “Think for a minute: When was the last time you saw a genuine, positive male role model in the media? Where he can say what he wants, do what he wants, have flaws yet doesn’t take any crap from anyone, much less the female protagonist?” Last I checked “doesn’t take any crap from anyone” is not part of a positive role model. Being respectful of the views of others is. I cannot give you examples of positive role models if your idea of “positive” is a disaster. As… Read more »
How about a male role-model who isn’t a simpering buffoon and the butt of jokes?
Batman.
True he Batman doesn’t fill that role but he does manage to go in the other direction.
A cold and stoic obsessive that whose entire life centers around his professions.
Superman. He’s always optimistic in spite of what gets thrown at him. He also doesn’t believe violence is the end all be all to solving a situation.
“Men are powerful, men are capable, and men succeed.”
And, per definition, those that are not powerful, or are incapable, or are unsuccessful are not men.
This is a pretty obvious straw man.
If I wrote that “humans are resilient” am I suggesting that anyone who is not resilient is not human? No, of course not, because I was making a generalization about a group, rather than defining the group.
If I said “men, by definition, are x, y, and z” then you might have an argument, but I’m not going to support and argument that I didn’t make.
No actually its not a straw man. If Dan is trying to accuse you of making this assertion then I’ll agree he’s out of line.
However given the metrics that men are held to (that whole “real man” bit) I don’t think Dan’s observation is that far off course.
“However given the metrics that men are held to (that whole “real man” bit) I don’t think Dan’s observation is that far off course.” Yet again, you are applying to me a “metric” that I never claimed to use. Note that I never even defined the word “success.” There’s a guy visiting San Francisco right now whose made the nightly news the past several days. His major claim to fame is that he built a spot-on scale model of the Golden Gate bridge in his backyard. In Kansas. I would argue that is a very successful man. He knew what… Read more »
I’m not applying anything to you.
In fact I specifically said that if Dan was trying to apply it to you (or accuse you of making that assertion) then Dan is out of line.
I’m not telling you that you are trying to make that argument.
I have not said none can overcome, but I don’t think that everyone can overcome alone and some have fewer obstacles that start at an older age. We are not all the same.
“We are not all the same.” No of course not, but your original comment makes it sound quite a bit like we are. Look at a statement like: “We have a society that is truly, heinously brutal on boys. If they are deprived of early success, they choose a comforting and enjoyable escape that technology has provided them; video games and porn.” This in no way qualifies “some” it makes generalizations about boys, as a whole, which are demonstrably untrue just by looking at the world around us. I would also argue, though I don’t really want to get into… Read more »
Regardless of your opinion, our childhood, our surroundings, and the way other people interact with us has a large impact on how we see ourselves and the world around us. To deny this is to be true would be crazy.
I would also like to add that society also is heinously brutal on video games as well. Everyone still seems to react with fury against them, as if every single one is about brutal violence and “Call Of Duty” formula. People forget there are videogames out there that tell a great story and develop characters you want to play as. But it seems nobody bothers to seek them out while visions of Grand Theft Auto IV Hooker Violence and First-Persons Shooter gore dance in their heads. I’m a gamer and I play games mainly for the story. There were many… Read more »
I agree. My husband is a big gamer, and he is pretty selective about the games he spends his time on. He could just play any ‘ol shooter, but if it doesn’t have a story line or some other valuable content, he doesn’t bother. Some of the more prominent video games today have storylines that rival good novels and movies (Mass Effect 2 & 3, Bioshock 1 & 2, GTA even had some great stories). You get connected with the characters. I even end up in ethical conversations with my husband about the decision-making in the game, and I teared… Read more »
Damn straight. I did a post a while back called “Why are people so childish about video games” (I think that was the title) that talked about this a bit. Its classic example of people taking the worst of the punch and trying to pass it off as representation of the whole. The ability to kill prostitutes in GTA was a side bit that people got into (yes you can complete the entire game extras and all and never even interact with a prostitute, much less kill one). But with the way people were talking about it (including people who… Read more »
I like the fact that there are plenty of games where you kill ONLY men, and lots of them, yet people lose their shit over the fact you can have sex with hookers in gta and kill them for the money back. I guess the mass murdering in other games isn’t that big of a deal compared to the death of 1 woman in these games….
That is inserting gender where it doesn’t belong, I think. The men you kill in most of these games are either other soldiers or gangsters or what-not. That doesn’t make it better, but it does mean they’re not civilians. The women that are killed/maimed are often civilians. This isn’t a gender thing, it’s a civilian/combatant thing. Also, often where everyone gets up in arms is when there’s anything to do with sex in a video game. Now most protagonists are male and straight, so anything to do with sex with involve having sex with a woman. Sexual violence will also… Read more »
Umm…a lot of games have the death of male civilians, GTA, many RTS, soldier of fortune if I remember correctly. Even the fact that they are male combatants still sends a message that the life of males is worth less. So it shits me to see this big uproar over the death of a woman or child in a game when men are killed violently en mass to the point it’s normalized, and I see no one shouting out about it. I recall shooting quite a few non-combatant scientists, civilians, prisoners, etc in games (yes I am an evil bastah… Read more »
Well first, it totally depends on what games your talking about. Some games have women as non-combatants that you can still kill. Skyrim and Fallout, for example, you can kill absolutely everyone except the kids, and no one is freaking out about it. Secondly, as I pointed out, the uproar over the GTA prostitute thing was because it was sexual and violent. Our culture flips the heck out when we have anything sexual in media, particularly in video games.
Yeah I spose the sexual element increased the visibility. What a weird culture that cares more about sex than it does for violence :S