This is a comment by Anonymous on the post “Should We Forgive Apologetic Bullies?“
anonymous said:
Bullying is seldom the work of one rogue outcast individual. Much more commonly, it’s a large, popular group marginalizing and persecuting one or a few unpopular individuals. (There were 2 in my high school class — I was one of them). And since most of these people only pick on the victims occasionally, they may have no idea of the colossal impact their collective behavior has on the persecuted individual.
To offer a hypothetical illustration: Suppose there are 200 kids in the class, and each does only ONE mean thing per school year to the “class victim”, and the meanness is spread out evenly over the school year. The perspective of each of the perps, is “I just pulled one prank/said one mean thing the whole year, what’s he upset about?” But the perspective of the victim is, “I get picked on EVERY DAMNED DAY and the whole damned class is in on it.. they must all HATE ME! And I don’t know why! I never did anything to them.”
I was a tall skinny science nerd as a teenager. No glasses or braces or pocket protectors but otherwise I fit the stereotype very well. I was ruthlessly persecuted The torment didn’t end til, in a blaze of anger, I decided to start lifting weights and hitting back…which worked. But the damage was done long before I started hitting the bench press. I graduated from high school totally believing that almost my entire class hated me with a passion, without cause. And I hated them in return.
For some odd reason I decided to attend a reunion many years later. I expected that some of them might have repented, or at least matured, in the intervening years and would be bitterly sorry for the way they mistreated me. And since by this time I had become a Christian, I was prepared to extend forgiveness to anyone who apologized. I also figured there would be others, who for whatever reason still hated me and would act accordingly, and I was prepared to shrug that off. But, at the reunion, I got neither apologies nor hostility. Instead, they all greeted me as a long-lost friend, like nothing had ever happened. I could NOT have been more SHOCKED.
The only explanation that makes any sense is this: they had no idea what they’d done to me They had no clue that they’d destroyed my adolescence and blown a hole in my soul that didn’t really heal until about 20 years later. No clue at al!
“Forgive them, for they know not what they do”, seems appropriate.
But it’s a bit mind bending to realize that the people who ruined your youth, probably didn’t even know what they were doing …
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Some girls who made rude comments to me in 9th and 10th grade are now really friendly with me now (on FB or at reunions)….I think one of the girls was pissy after her BF broke up with her and her mother was crazy at home (bipolar/pill-popping, or whatever)…..the other girl was kinda snotty with a lot of people and certain clique people just did not like her…..Anyway, both girls are really cool with me now…don’t we all have to grow up at some point? I think maybe when someone is mean to you, it’s more about something wrong going… Read more »
I had a very similar high-school experience to “Anonymous,” and experienced much the same behavior when I decided to attend my ten-year class reunion. It absolutely stunned me that the “mean girls” who made my junior high and high school years a living hell seemingly had no memory of what they did, and greeted me like I was a long-lost friend who had been part of their circle all along. A few seemed shocked, and even offended, when I recoiled at their attempts to hug me. Not a single one said they were sorry for what they had done to… Read more »
An excellent snippet- the dichotomy is between our egocentric world view and the world’s indifference.
One person’s good natured teasing is another’s bullying, one person’s appreciative glance is another’s aggressive stalk……..
“(G)ood natured teasing” is an assumption on your part. You weren’t there, and it wasn’t your experience. You may or may not be right.
OMG! Tell me you did not just say “good-natured teasing.”
My case was an extreme one, but even I do not occupy the most severe end of the continuum.
I would urge you to watch my 5-minute TV Segment titled “A Childhood Worth Forgetting”
I won’t jump down your throat with my normal ninja-sword of death as i realize you just don’t know. But please take the step to KNOW.
http://robbie357.wordpress.com/abuse-videos/