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Hi Doctor,
There is something where I think you haven’t spent much words on before (or I may have missed it), of which I would find your view on the matter interesting.
I see a number of your visitors seem to be jealous of men who are professionally very successful (for the extreme example, you mentioned Elon Musk yourself recently). I understand that, in principle, women can find such success attractive. Now, I’ve noticed that for these men (I partially include myself here, though I am far from an Elon) who have a rather high responsibility, there are some other ‘problems’.
The thing is that the more you have a public function or a leadership role, the more you should be a good example and people expect you to behave with much dignity and responsibility. This seems to mean that you have essentially less space to manouver when hitting on women, though. And mistakes can have a larger impact. This combines with the fact that many people who are professionally or academically successful have little time to hang out in bars and have had little time for these things during their studies as well, meaning having less experience.
Finally, in such leadership positions you can afford less to come over as sexually frustrated or so, you should always remain calm, be happy for the others and certainly avoid being jealous.
I definitely would consider myself as a nerd, in the sense of having been the smart kid without many friends at high school. When it comes to social intelligence and physical attractiveness, I used to be horrible but think I moved to acceptable over the last few years. Now, towards the end of my twenties, I am comfortable around women, but still have limited physical experience.
At parties, I see many women primarily seem to go for guys that are tall, handsome, smooth and good dancers; rather than for their vision on the future of mankind or so. When I do attempt competing with such ‘natural players’, I often seem to end up coming of either as too arrogant or too calculating.
Do you have good suggestions, either specifically to me or more general?
Thanks,
AnotherAnonymousMessenger
So as so often happens, AAM, this is a case of “the problem you think you have isn’t the problem you actually have”.
You have an issue I see a lot in guys, especially guys who don’t have as much social experience as they’d like. Many times, they’ll spend a lot of time developing their grand unifying theory about How Relationships Work. The problem is that, more often than not, these theories have less to do with actual experience and more to do with confirmation bias. It’s easy, for example, to think that “nice guys” are disadvantaged in dating as women chase after a**holes when “**shole” gets defined as “guy who got the woman I wanted to date”. As tempting as it is to believe that our observations are objective recordings of reality, the truth is that we take the little that we see and craft narratives that allow them to conform to our already-extant beliefs. We assume we see the whole picture when, in reality, we barely see even a tenth of it and fill in the rest with what we assume to already be true. This is how we end up with dudes who have developed a literal modern day form of phrenology to explain why they can’t get laid.
The idea that being a “leader” or having “status” constrains you is… kind of obviously bullsh*t on its face. I mean, all you have to do is look at the United States Congress for examples. When former Texas representative Blake Farenthold is posting pictures of his pajama parties (and paying sexual harassment suits with taxpayer money) or former Arizona Congressman Trent Franks is offering to “inseminate” his staffers, the idea that people in positions of power find themselves restrained in how they behave is kind of absurd. If anything, having power and status gives them more license to act out, often with even less fear of repercussions than they had before. Not to mention there are all the various celebrities and politicians who’re notoriously horny on main.
I’m also not sure where you got the idea where people who are professionally or academically successful have less experience or less social success. While there’re always going to be folks who’ve treated charisma as their dump-stat, who chose to forgo socializing for studying or who are just socially awkward but academically gifted, the truth is that there are just as many entrepreneurs, scientists, professors, lawyers, and finance-bros out at the bars as mid-level managers and office workers. Nor, for that matter, are bars the only places where you can go to meet women.
(And if you don’t think that academics don’t drink and party, then I have no idea where the hell you went to school because godd**n some of their conferences are lit)
But let’s get to your real issue: the fact that women are choosing “players” instead of you. Here you are with your “visions of the future of mankind” and these dudes are there with their abs and their hair and their dancing… what do they have that you don’t?
I mean… besides her number.
Well, the answer is that those players makes women feel good. They’re fun to talk to, they’re entertaining and they’re engaging with her on an emotional level, because when folks are at a party, they’re there to have fun. Yeah, there’re going to be folks who love to discuss deep topics… but those still have to be fun conversations, not just one dude trying to show off how hung his brain is. When you describe women going off with the players and not the guy with a “vision for the future of mankind”, you conjure images of the stoner at the party who really wants to discuss their new philosophical insight with someone who’s really there to rage.
And honestly, the way that you describe “competing” with “natural players” does make you sound a little arrogant. I mean, if I’m catching the vibe that you’re looking down your nose at those players in your letter, I can almost guaran-damn-tee that women are getting a double dose when you’re talking with them in person. And, as someone who thought he was “competing” with naturals back in my bad old days, let me share some insight with you. First: you’re not “competing” with anyone. This isn’t about points on a spreadsheet, it’s about someone asking themselves “Am I into this person right here in front of me, Y/N?” It’s not that Captain TightPants and Studly GoodNight have higher point totals, it’s that you’re not that person’s particular flavor of yum. And, from one nerd to another: you will never get anywhere by bad-mouthing the folks who seem to be doing better than you. All that you’ll do is come off as bitter and resentful and confirm that she’s right to not want to date you.
If you want more social and romantic success, you need to start letting go of your ideas of How Things Work and accept that maybe you’ve been going about things the wrong way. Instead of expounding on your grand vision, focus on connecting with people. Spend less time trying to “compete” and more time learning how to enjoy yourself and help other people have fun too. Trust me: not only will you do better socially, but you’ll have far more fun in the process.
Good luck.
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This article originally appeared on Doctor Nerd Love
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