This is part 2 of a previous article I wrote for The Good Men Project titled online dating tips for men over 40. Part 1 was a specific outline men needed to follow when creating an online dating profile.
Now I want to discuss the communication part of online dating. You’ve read over a woman’s profile, you like what she wrote, she looks like someone you may be attracted to so you want to reach out with hopes of meeting in person to see if there is chemistry.
First and foremost: Do NOT send a d*ck pic! (yes this happens). Seeing a picture of your p*nis does not turn us on, nor impress us. If anything it grosses us out. We don’t want to see a picture of it EVER. Please keep it in your pants and away from the camera.
Do this instead: Put thought and meaning behind your message. Grab a nugget or two from her bio and inquire more about it. For instance, I had a man comment about a book I mentioned in my Match.com profile. This tells me he read my profile and may actually take this dating thing seriously.
Do NOT: Send the one to three-word message “Hi” or “How’s it going?” To me, this tells me you’re lazy and desperate and don’t really care about who you meet.
Do NOT send multiple messages if you haven’t gotten a response from the first few. This can actually scare woman and we may wonder if you’re a stalker. If you do that to me, I will block you. I’m obviously not interested if I haven’t responded. Let it go and move on to the next woman.
And for the love of all things wholly SPELLING MATTERS! Please know the difference between There, They’re and Their and Your and You’re.
Ok, now you’ve progressed and gotten a woman’s phone number.
Do NOT text for weeks on end and never ask her out. This is very childish and reminds me of high school.
Do This: Cut to the chase and ask her out for coffee or a drink. Don’t you want to see if there’s actual chemistry before you waste weeks texting with a virtual stranger? Trust me, I learned this the hard way. I texted for a couple of weeks with a man about anything and everything. We texted about movies we liked and even got as deep as talking about the recent death of our parents. A lot of time and energy was put into someone I hadn’t even met. When we did meet, there were zero sparks or attraction. I will never waste that much time on a man again. Let’s schedule that first date to see if there’s a match.
After my divorce, I naively thought dating in my 40’s would be easier than when I was younger. I had visions of meeting someone, introducing ourselves and diving into our baggage like dealing out cards for poker. “I’m a recovering people pleaser and think about dying almost daily because my mom died when she was 39.” He would respond with his baggage stating that he has abandonment issues because his dad left when he was two and his mom was never around because she worked three jobs to support him and his two sisters. We would then empathize with one another, enjoy our time together and determine if there were enough sparks to meet again for a second date.
I’m not ignorant to think I’m going to meet a man who is perfect. Dating now is harder than when I was 20. The middle-aged men now have NOT dealt with their sh*t and are now highly dysfunctional and very toxic. Since my divorce, I have dated a Narcissist and a man with undiagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder. It has been quite a learning lesson. I feel like I could become a psychiatrist with all the research I’ve done regarding mental disorders.
I want men to know that we think going to therapy is sexy. We think being vulnerable is hot. We want a man who is honest and forthcoming with his issues. What really gets our motor running is a man that can admit his faults and take ownership of the life lessons he’s learned from them.
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