In my search for a long-term relationship – after finally realising that was what I really wanted—I experienced a couple of intense, but short-lived liaisons, in the early stages of which the chemistry and mutual attraction was strong, and I felt that I had finally been lucky enough to discover someone who was ‘right’ for me, with high hopes of long-term romance and happiness. But each time the passage of time seemed to support the idea that physical attraction tends to wear off after six months, and that ‘falling in love’ is a kind of biological drug that has evolved to ensure the continuation of our genes, and of the species, by attracting us to someone with who we were biologically compatible, but which is no guarantee that we’d actually get on all that well with them once the deed was done and the intoxication wore off.
After one ‘ending’ I decided to have some time on my own, let the emotional dust settle, and allow space for any healing and/or learning that was needed for me to avoid repeating the patterns that I was beginning to recognise as problematic with my behaviour in relationship and my choices of partner.
After a while, I felt ready to have another shot at making a relationship work. But as weeks turned into months, I began to worry that maybe I was never going to meet the ‘right’ (or ‘right enough’), woman. As an alternative, I began to focus more on new friendships and sharing all sorts of experiences with them that, in the case of women friends, didn’t require us to be romantically involved. It was all very enjoyable, and I certainly didn’t miss the turmoil that had gone hand in hand with my relationships of the past.
Then a strange thing happened. Just as my ‘need’ for a relationship had almost been forgotten, it struck me one day that a woman I had got to know without harbouring any thoughts of us having a relationship, was someone whose company I enjoyed very much, and that I’d be very happy if she could be a bigger part of my life. A buried but deep-rooted attraction to her was flowering in me, based on the affection and trust that had slowly grown between us. And, perhaps because I hadn’t been ‘coming on’ to her and had just left space for our friendship to develop naturally, it seemed, from her reaction when I asked her if she’d like to go out on a ‘date’, that she was feeling the same. I’m happy to say I’m now enjoying the sanest and most enjoyable relationship of my life, partly because I think I was ‘ready’ for it, and also because I have more realistic needs and expectations.
I now think that ‘liking’ someone is the best basis for a relationship. We’ve been conditioned to believe that unless we ‘’fall” for someone, or immediately lust after them, there’s no point in taking it any further. But when we are powerfully attracted, it can be for all kind of complex and buried psychological reasons which may have more to do with our own unresolved issues than with their suitability for us as a partner. A relationship based on instant attraction often becomes a confusing entanglement rather than a life-enhancing connection. True compatibility is a mysterious thing which takes time to grow and is rooted in getting to know and appreciate the other person at a deeper level than ‘chemistry’. I discovered that affection and trust for someone is far more likely to lead to great lovemaking, than the other way around.
For sure two mutually attracted people can have great sex, and there’s nothing wrong with that, as long as they both know it may be time-limited. The crunch of whether it has any real foundation as a relationship will come sooner or later; although there is the risk of spending years in an essentially loveless relationship if either or both partners is co-dependent or needs the other in some way.
When I depended on being ‘attractive’ to a woman to feel good about myself, it left me vulnerable to being manipulated by anyone who is willing to flatter me. I’ve been there, and was devastated when I discovered that the compliments and affirmations I’d been getting were actually attempts to ensure that I’d keep giving what she wanted. It took me some time to be able to risk trusting again, and I had to accept that I shouldn’t have allowed myself to be blinded by such vanity and insecurity in the first place. None of this would have distracted me if I’d been standing on a more solid foundation of self-appreciation and acceptance.
If you’re on your own, and feeling nervous about meeting someone, let go of your ‘need’ to be loved, and become at ease being with yourself and comfortable in your own skin. I discovered that being happy in my own company was an essential step in creating the possibility for me to have a healthy relationship. Then trust in life. Unless you’re living like a hermit, you’re bound to be meeting women every day, some of whom you’ll like and respect but won’t necessarily think of as potential partners. But as I learned, it’s a mistake to think that, if you’re not immediately ‘attracted’ to someone, or vice versa, there can never be enough ‘chemistry’ between you to make a relationship work. Keep your eyes and your heart open—and be patient. The woman who would make a wonderful partner for you may already be in your life; you just haven’t noticed her…yet!
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