You know what they say: “if you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen!” The natural reaction to the miserable situation of a failing marriage is to want to get out-as soon as possible!
If one’s in an abusive or dangerous relationship, they certainly should bail out ASAP!
What about the rest of us, though, the ones in broken marriages with no hope of recovery? When a steady sweat breaks out and the pain of intense heat is becoming too much to bear, we must first try to formulate a plan of escape before simply jumping from the frying pan and into the fire!
In retrospect, I can see that I ended up in my second marriage as a result of jumping before I was ready. I was hurt, betrayed, disgusted, and ready to get away from my lying, cheating ex as fast as I could. I was afraid because I didn’t know how well I could support myself, and I wasn’t used to being alone. The end result of my haste was reacting to the first man who showed an interest in me. It felt good to be attractive and desired. I wanted to think that my chance at stability and happiness had arrived, but I should’ve taken much more time to allow my wounds to heal, to know him better, and to develop a plan for myself.
My mistake cost me ten years of my life and more time, energy, and money than I can begin to count. There was no reason for me to run like my pants were on fire! Somehow I would have survived and found my way. I have accomplished immense growth and gained in wisdom; but, I took a ridiculously long detour off of my intended course to do so!
A friend shared with me that she bolted from her marriage disaster and quickly coupled up with a very nice man, whom she loves; but, she has serious regrets about bouncing from one relationship to the next, barely taking a breath, because the chaos caused by his ex-wife and her step kids makes her so miserable that she’s not sure if she is actually better off! She is at peace with her divorce and confident that the man she is now married to is good for her; but, she often wonders if it was worth it because her life is so filled with other elements that wear away at her wellbeing.
She was lucky to have found a good partner, despite the regrettable situation with his children and ex. Imagine if he was not what she thought he was and she had ended up with an abusive partner or someone who was not good for her?!
Here’s 5 considerations you must be aware before making too quick of an evacuation from marital agony:
Have you had time to assess all of the issues from the present situation? If you don’t have a solid understanding of what went wrong up to the present, you won’t be equipped to make good decisions for your future!
You’re likely to act out of emotion, rather than logic. In the midst of a crisis, we often act on impulse or with only enough forethought to get out of the current disaster. Fear, anger, sadness, and other feelings can be so intense that all we can fathom is survival, rather than what is best for us in the long term. This doesn’t mean that ending the marriage is necessarily a bad idea, just be sure to look before you leap!
Do you know-really know-what you’re jumping into? You might think that just running out of the “kitchen” will be an improvement over where you stand now; but, you could be in for an ugly surprise! Shockingly, there are many possible situations you could land in that may be just as bad, if not worse. With a cool head and time to explore and weigh options, you are much less likely to make epic mistakes…not so much when you’re desperate, upset, and in a hurry! The last thing you want to do is wish you could return to your present mess because the new one is even worse!
Do you know where you want to go? Especially if your divorce disaster is fairly fresh, you may not have had time yet to reflect on your marriage woes in order to learn from them so that you are in the best possible mindset to face new realities. As before stated, when your home situation is a living hell, literally anything and anyone can look like a cool oasis. The question is, what are you really ready for right now? Do you need time alone? A change of scenery? The security of familiar people and places?
Most likely latching right on to someone else who also has a complicated life is not a good idea. Think about it, if they, too, are in a similar situation you are going to have double the headaches and drama from life transitions, exes, and other complications that are way too heavy for you right now! If you’re not even sure what end is up right now, how can you expect that they can?
What would you need to land safely from a big jump? As tempting as an immediate fix is, don’t make your troubles double because you don’t have a safety net ready to soften your landing. Have as much of a plan in place as possible so that you at least know the fundamentals such as where you will live, how you will meet your needs, who you can count on to help you, and so on.
Go if you need to go. You definitely must do what’s right for you! Be sure to have the best possible concept of where you are and where you need to go so that you don’t discover yourself in an even worse situation! Bad situations can sometimes take us by surprise; but, usually when we haven’t done our homework first to evaluate what it’s all about. No need to be in a hurry (in most cases), so take advantage of what you’ve learned from your marriage by putting that wisdom to work for you!
This article originally appeared on Divorced Moms
Photo credit: Getty Images