We love our children and we fear we will mess up their lives in some way. I hear this fear
voiced over and over again: “I don’t want to hurt my children with a divorce.”
—
- I learned that above all, you need to be happy in your marriage. If you aren’t, it needs to end. It doesn’t make you a bad person or a failure if it doesn’t work out. People change. Sometimes that change works in a relationship, but sometimes it doesn’t. If individuals don’t change, then they aren’t making progress. That can be unhealthy. Children of divorce are less likely to put up with someone’s crap.
- I learned warning signs. While this may not stop me from entering bad relationships, I surely can recognize when relationships go sour.
- I learned that communication and intimacy are the two most important things in a relationship.
- I learned that divorce doesn’t mean the end of the world. Not for you or your children. It changes your life in many ways, but mostly for the better.
- I learned how to stay friends with my exes. This is important, because when you break up with someone and you have kids, that person MUST stay in your life. While my two step dads had every right to be at each other’s throats, they weren’t. We had holidays together. They had RESPECT for one another. Because of their example, when I broke up with my oldest child’s dad, I STILL invited him to Thanksgiving and Christmas. No matter how mad I was at him for whatever. He didn’t have family to spend it with, and my daughter got to be with her dad (AND her paternal grandparents) on the holidays. It was special and made our family stronger. Some people thought it was weird, but when they saw how it worked, they knew it was the right thing to do.
- Children of divorce VALUE THEIR RELATIONSHIPS MORE. We know how fragile they are.We know that they don’t always have a happy ending—even when it starts off so wonderfully.We make note of special moments because we know they aren’t something to take for granted.
- We are more cautious with our feelings. This is a good thing. We don’t jump the gun and fall in love with the idea of falling in love. That’s a game and we know those don’t get us anywhere. We love genuinely and deliberately—with care.
- We make the most of the little pleasures in life. Seeing how things can change, we see things from a different perspective. It makes us deeper people and it helps us be more in touch with our emotions—which is VERY important in relationships with others. And because communication is so essential to us, we are better at that as well.
- I saw the struggles of a single parenthood. This made me understand what it meant to be one. It taught me how to be strong and how to be comfortable with independence. Knowing you can be a parent and be single successfully because you saw your parent do it is a valuable lesson.
- You don’t need to stay with someone or MARRY someone just because you have children. This is a big one. It can be scary, but if you’ve lived it, you know.
- You see parents as HUMAN BEINGS with FEELINGS, and not just “my parents.” Kids see
their parents as an organization when their parents are married. They don’t know or want know that their parents have complex feelings, have sex, etc. When you have divorced parents, you get LOTS of benefits, but one of them is witnessing what dating should/should not look like. Think about it: if you only ever see a couple AFTER they get married (like with children of married couples), you have no clue about dating. I’m telling you—it is a VERY valuable experience for children to see their parents date. Even if it’s messy—this way, at least they see what NOT to do.
- Some children of divorce learn organizational skills of how to run a household on a tight budget. This is an important skill. They also learn how to maintain schedules. Both of these skills translate well to personal and professional life.
- Children of divorce are more careful with other people’s feelings. Because they see their parents fall in love and get their hearts broken, they know not to do that to others. Dating a child with divorced parents is different in a good way.
- People who come from divorced families are extra sensitive to not only their own children, but all children. Dating a person who comes from a divorced home means they will likely be supportive of their partner’s or friend’s children. It makes them more involved parents. You want your kids to feel secure when you have experienced such a change as your parents divorcing. In my opinion, that is a wonderful thing. Divorced parents actually make happier, better adjusted adult children.
◊♦◊
This article originally appeared on Melissa Drake’s coaching website to help people going through Life’s Tough Transitions. You can access this article and other resources to help with Life’s Tough Transitions at www.brillianttransformations.com.
I can strongly relate to this article. When my first marriage ended in divorce, I was the one who raised my kids, which was even more unusual for a man then, than now (30 years ago). The result of this was that a) we are very close, b) they did, indeed, learn a lot about relationships through that divorce and watching me rebuild relationships, c) we were all definitely better off than we would have been if we had prolonged the marriage ‘for the sake of the children’, which would have been misery for all. The only thing that was… Read more »
Hi Mick! I’m glad you found common ground with my article! I personally feel very fortunate to have had my experience. It can definitely be a challenge if you have new people introduced into the fold. This really only works if people are mature and if the new people are accepted into the family by everyone. It sounds like you did a great job on your own. It’s unfortunate that your ex was unable to maintain her relationship with her children. Sometimes, that can be a blessing in disguise, but it is always painful. I hope you and your children… Read more »